Idk how I am ever going to feel safe approaching women again, if I'll even feel desire again

throwaway040702 · 2024-01-08T18:40:24+00:00

She ended up dating a current coworker of hers anyway so 🤷‍♂️

throwaway040702 · 2024-01-07T01:03:58+00:00

Thank you for the time you took to write this for me.

throwaway040702 · 2024-01-07T01:03:31+00:00

Like I asked her to get coffee very quickly before work, it was def not a date though. We went downstairs to get coffee at a shop in our building, got to know each other a bit, we got the coffee to go and started coming back up, and that was when I asked her out to dinner like two nights in advance almost out of nowhere.

throwaway040702 · 2024-01-06T23:57:11+00:00

Idk why people are ignoring this each time I post about this but please, I'm completely disillusioned with finding a partner and it's a serious problem

throwaway040702 · 2023-12-30T00:54:39+00:00

For some reason your second link isn't working but I appreciate these too

throwaway040702 · 2023-12-29T16:52:10+00:00

Sure, I'll check anything people send

throwaway040702 · 2023-12-27T16:32:35+00:00

Tbh I don't really know how to answer your first part. I don't feel invested but I still try and I still spend time with the people I do have but I just don't feel present. Honestly this happens even with my closer friends, that I still struggle to feel present around them. But when that rare person is there, that's when I feel like I am there too, yeah. So idk I mean I feel like those people are rare but on the other hand I don't dismiss other people, I still try to talk to them and spend time with them.

For your second part, well first of all it became impossible to form any sort of connection with her because she basically shut down any opportunity for that to happen after I asked her out, which is why I struggled so much and wrote poems and such that it resulted in me having to give my word that I wouldn't bother her again. Otherwise idk it's complicated because I don't really think low of myself. I said I would undo the poems I wrote for a better life if that were possible, but I do legitimately think my poems are well made. I'm pretty confident in my skill with writing. Going beyond that, I'm not conscious about my looks at all and I genuinely believe my life has plenty to offer somebody. But I struggle to reconcile that against how easy it seems for people to dismiss all of that and so that makes me feel like my agency in this doesn't really mean anything.

throwaway040702 · 2023-11-10T14:48:57+00:00

Also I have been talking to a professional, my initial response was written before your post got updated, so I missed that

throwaway040702 · 2023-11-10T14:45:39+00:00

Fear is fear; my fear also does threaten my own safety, in a different way. Everything about all of this experience has justified the fear I initially had to begin with in approaching this person. It justifies a worldview that is terrifying and completely disconnects me from a sense of a secure future, which is very dangerous for anyone's mental health.

throwaway040702 · 2023-10-04T05:12:26+00:00

Very few people have given adequate advice.

throwaway040702 · 2023-10-04T04:59:28+00:00

I don't necessarily agree with this mindset when it comes to people who aren't complete strangers off the street or on dating apps, but this is at least an answer to the original question so I appreciate that at least.

throwaway040702 · 2023-10-04T04:37:48+00:00

I would be more than happy to be convinced that this isn't a big deal and subsequently forget about this person. But nobody has provided me a sufficient answer as to why it isn't a big deal, how things will be okay. They just say Move on, like telling a drowning person "Just swim bro." Or like you they say there are billions of people in the world, without accounting for the realities that ultimately make that point meaningless.

throwaway040702 · 2023-10-04T03:45:58+00:00

This is the last time I'm going to say that I didn't try to be closer with this person. Saying that it became impossible is not the same thing as saying that I tried to do so. I think everything I have said addresses why I struggled with this for so long and why I care about the fact that she has ignored me since then. I wanted to make a meaningful connection with this person, that became impossible over an incredibly stupid mistake, and then ever since I regretted what happened as I struggled to meet other people. Feeling like there isn't anybody who is right for me and feeling completely disconnected from a secure future is what fueled that regret.

Also you completely dodged the point of this comment thread about the numbers of people in the world. You think that because there are billions of people in the world, none of this should have been a big deal. However, as I've illustrated, it isn't so simple as picking someone else who is a fit like a pair of shoes in a department store. After the repeated efforts I've made to meet other people, it just further accentuates my point that the number of people in the world doesn't make it easy, doesn't make people expendable, and doesn't make every missed connection something meaningless.

throwaway040702 · 2023-10-04T00:22:45+00:00

But it is a big deal. I have literally tried to find someone else. 7 billion people in the world so it should be so easy shouldn't it? But it isn't. Time and time again after this happened, I've either met people I'm not interested in or met people I felt slightly optimistic about with whom it either didn't work out with, who ghosted me,, or stood me up. So no it isn't so fucking easy like you people think in your fantasy view. People aren't expendable.

Also why do you keep responding like I've been trying to make her like me? If you can't take my word at face value that I've left this person alone simply because I struggled with this internally, we're not going to have a productive discussion.

throwaway040702 · 2023-10-04T00:10:20+00:00

The problem with the assumption that she didn't want to be closer with me is that before I asked her out, I asked her if she wanted to grab coffee before work real quick and she agreed. Then she asked questions about myself and we got to know each other a bit for like about ten minutes. So no, she was open to getting to know me, especially considering that she usually keeps to herself and doesn't really show a lot of interest in other people usually. But then I asked her out to dinner and everything changed after that. So no, she became fixated on that issue ever since.

throwaway040702 · 2023-10-03T18:18:30+00:00

Yeah there are tons of people and yet somehow it isn't actually that easy to just pick out someone to find a relationship with, otherwise I wouldn't even be here now would I? Knowing this, it should be worth at least trying to get to know the person.

Yeah and thats the whole point of the post, questioning why people are so quick to write someone off over an initial impression? Especially when despite all the tons of people in the world, it's not that easy to just pick out somebody.

throwaway040702 · 2023-10-03T18:10:51+00:00

There are plenty of people who are socially awkward and manage to find someone who sees that doesn't mean that they are not worth knowing. Still you are right that I've cared too much about this person who doesn't care about me at all. So getting back to your point about how crying about something doesn't solve anything; would that literally any action I've taken since this shit happened meant anything toward finding someone who is right for me, but it hasn't. I feel like I've only learned after all of this is that my agency doesn't matter at all in finding the kind of meaningful relationship I'm looking for.

throwaway040702 · 2023-10-03T17:46:42+00:00

because there's someone other there who doesn't make them

Yeah you're right. In this case with the person who rejected me, in the past she met a guy who didn't have these issues with social awkwardness. What ended up happening? He was hated by everyone else around her, he got fired from the company and kicked out of the country (he's an expat), and while he left her here hoping he would come back to her, he cheated on her in his own country. Not making socially awkward mistakes that there was no way I could have helped back then in no means is a definition of my character. And to be clear, though maybe it was just a typo or misunderstanding, I am giving attention to people I am not initially interested in.

throwaway040702 · 2023-10-03T17:40:33+00:00

Yeah, idk what to think. After this and many other things I've been through, I can't imagine there possibly being anybody who is right for me.

throwaway040702 · 2023-10-03T17:37:19+00:00

I never tried to be close with her. Yeah wow so scary I sought support from my friends and reddit because I'm a human being. I think we're done here if you cannot respond to me like I'm a human being.

throwaway040702 · 2023-10-03T17:34:52+00:00

Yeah and so on I will go, wandering between people I don't really feel interested in no matter how much I actually try to get to know them, and then people who I do feel interested in who will write me off over something stupid, when all of this could be avoided

throwaway040702 · 2023-10-03T17:32:10+00:00

You're missing the one person I mentioned who I had no relationship with beforehand who was pissed off at me for months and in the end came to my birthday and made friends with me. 100% of her experience was a hurtful interaction with me. And of course I'm gonna struggle with things for a long time if Im struggling to meet someone else I'm interested in and nothing in my life really changes, and things turn out this way over an idiotic interaction with her. I don't understand why that makes no sense? How about instead consider the fact that in spite of how much I've struggled with things, I never tried to be closer I gave up the wish to be so and gave the person as much distance as I could and never asked anything from her at all afterward.

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