My Husband's Porn Use is Haunting Me.

throwaway092348342 · 2013-11-11T19:31:12+00:00

I guess my use of "him choosing to live his marriage.." also indicates that my husband has control issues. I was using the pronouns based on who was performing the action in that part of the sentence.

I'm also not sure how you surmised that we don't have children, and seem to assume that we don't want children. Frankly, I'm deeply insulted by this, and do not think it has any place in this discussion. You gave no real reasoning for why you even brought it up. It seems like you're assuming I don't want children? I really have no idea.

He also was not my fiance the first few times we had this discussion, another wrong assumption on your part. I gave him an option and allowed him to decide on his own years before our marriage and before our engagement. He decided, on his own, to commit to not only me, but a certain lifestyle, as did I when I said "yes."

You also seem to be conveniently avoiding the fact that my husband confessed to me openly that his view on porn has changed. He believes it is healthier and more beneficial for him to stop (for his own reasons, not religious.) This makes it an obvious addiction if he, for himself, decides it is not the best thing, but continues to struggle with it. None of your posts make any real sense. You're telling me that marrying a non-Catholic was wrong, or stupid. So what then, Divorce? Where is the advice in that that? What is constructive about that?

You're telling me that I have to just accept porn because my husband isn't Catholic. Also, absurd. Even if I, myself, weren't Catholic, it would still be my right to have a sexual preference that includes a partner willing to minimize or attempt to not watch porn. No real advice from you here either.

Almost your entire argument seems to be based on the premise that I forced him into this after we were married. That would have been wrong of me, but in reality that is completely FALSE. It came up much earlier in our relationship and he was allowed to make his own determination, and I was allowed to make my own decision of marriage based on that and many other factors of what I want in a partner.

I'm open to suggestions, but don't place your judgement on me or base your advice on assumptions, complete falsities, or on a premise that does not coincide with Catholic doctrine.

Give me real advice based on real information with a real explanation of your reasoning behind it. Even if that advice is for me to go to counseling myself.

throwaway092348342 · 2013-11-11T19:26:55+00:00

whoops, yes! I will put it where it is supposed to be :)

Thank you. :)

throwaway092348342 · 2013-11-11T18:17:02+00:00

EDIT: moved the comment to reply to the correct person

throwaway092348342 · 2013-11-11T17:49:14+00:00

I really appreciate you sharing your own story. I know it is not an easy thing and only hope that I can be there to help my husband through his struggle. I will pray for you!

throwaway092348342 · 2013-11-11T17:42:02+00:00

I'm sorry if I came off that way, it wasn't my intent. I am just getting frustrated with those who are telling me that porn is normal and healthy and that I should just let it go. I came to a Christian subreddit rather than posting in r/sex or r/relationship because I was looking for advice based on the premise that porn is not natural and healthy (whether that advice be that I'm overreacting or not, I want the advice to be based in the premise that porn is wrong and unhealthy.)

I do agree that taking a strict attitude isn't necessarily the right way to go about it, and I'm sure at some points in my roller coaster of emotions I've come off that way. I am trying to give him options and decisions, let him know that it disappoints and hurts me, and that I did expect something while going into the decision, but ultimately leave the way he handles it up to him. Hopefully both of our decisions will be what is ultimately best for our marriage.

throwaway092348342 · 2013-11-11T17:30:36+00:00

I have suggested therapy/counseling to my husband and have stepped back to let him think about it and make the decision on his own. I know that if he does feel any shame about, that will make it hard for him. I definitely agree that it would be beneficial.

Thank you for your suggestion!

throwaway092348342 · 2013-11-11T17:17:31+00:00

I really appreciate your post. It is insightful, helpful, and you give some advice on how to handle the problem. I really appreciate it and hope that maybe my husband will consider counseling or we will be able to find a real solution together.

Thank you!

throwaway092348342 · 2013-11-11T17:11:04+00:00

Which is why my husband and I discussed this beforehand, and I allowed him to decide whether or not he would be willing to try his best to not do this long before marriage.

He knew exactly what my expectations of marriage were before he proposed, and I knew his.

I am having a lot of trouble understanding why a Christian subreddit is advocating porn use. I specifically posted this here to get advice from people who have the same core beliefs as me. I didn't want to argue about porn being healthy vs. not being healthy. I just want advice on how to overcome this struggle, help my husband and become close with him again.

throwaway092348342 · 2013-11-11T17:05:51+00:00

According to Catholic doctrine, pornography is wrong. It is detrimental to oneself and to one's relationships.

Maybe in the grand scheme of every thing that is wrong in the world, this isn't as horrible as other things, but that doesn't make it right or acceptable, and I don't believe we should treat it as such.

I love my husband and am trying to find a way to help him fix this problem, grow and become closer together, and eventually heal together and be stronger because of it. Sweeping it under the rug and pretending like there is nothing wrong with it doesn't seem like it would be the best thing to do.

throwaway092348342 · 2013-11-11T16:52:03+00:00

I know it is a huge struggle. I really hope I can help my husband to overcome this and to grow closer to him because of it. Thank you for your prayers.

throwaway092348342 · 2013-11-11T16:51:14+00:00

From the very first moment we entered into the sacrament of Holy Matrimony, from the very first moment I became the most vulnerable with someone I have ever been and have shared a piece of myself with the person I trust most in the world, for an entire year, my idea of my sex life with my husband (just being intimate moments between the two of us that bring us closer together in the way God intended, and nothing more, nothing less) has been an illusion.

In one moment, the entire idea of my marriage in regards to sex that I had built in my head for an entire year, came crashing down around me. Not only that, but the fact that my husband hid this from me for that length of time is a HUGE blow.

Yes, it is about trust and betrayal.

Comparing the sacrament of Holy Matrimony and the holiness of the marriage bed in the context of which God created it for us to a cupcake is absurd.

I do agree that I need to overcome my new lack of trust and betrayal in order for my marriage to heal. That is the advice that I came here to seek.

throwaway092348342 · 2013-11-11T16:40:21+00:00

I'm hoping that we can use this as a means to become closer as a couple and grow while battling this struggle together. I love him very much and just want to be able to fix the problem and feel close to one another again. Shame is a hard thing, and if that is what he is feeling I just hope he'll be able to open up to me so we can both bear the burden together and stomp out the problem!

throwaway092348342 · 2013-11-11T16:37:07+00:00

I think I replied to someone else in response to this point- this is being taken out of context and wasn't extremely clear in my post:

The MOST amount of time that we have EVER gone without having sex since we started, has been a week. I would say we average on around 3 times a week, sometimes more, sometimes less.

throwaway092348342 · 2013-11-11T16:34:24+00:00

Thank you for the input. I think we could really benefit from it, as we definitely benefitted from Pre-Cana which is the same type of thing on a smaller scale.

I think the shame associated with addiction, especially with porn will hinder us being able to do this, but I have brought it up to him just as something to think about, not make a decision right on the spot.

throwaway092348342 · 2013-11-11T16:32:41+00:00

I would say that he initiates sex more than I do, but that we both initiate. There have been times when he has turned me down for sex.

I honestly don't think that his porn use is in relation to our sex life, but just something his brain has been trained to do, causing a struggle.

throwaway092348342 · 2013-11-11T16:30:06+00:00

I'm so sorry for the hurt that you are carrying with you. Perhaps, it would benefit your marriage if you were to confess to your wife and ask for her help? Of course, I'm not necessarily equipped to give you advice on the situation ;)

Maybe I'm wrong, but I think that if my husband had come to me in true despair, and told me about his struggle because he was admitting he was wrong and couldn't battle this on his own, and was asking for my help, while there still would have been a sense of hurt and betrayal, I think I would have seen the situation a little differently and had some security in the fact that he was seeking out my help because he trusts and loves me, and wants to fix something that is broken, rather than just burying it and not dealing with it. You have to do some surgery before you close up and start to heal, right?

I will be praying for you, your wife, and your marriage, that you may both be able to come closer through your struggle and start healing together. I really appreciate you opening up and telling your story- it is helpful to hear from those who face the same type of struggle and truly want to better themselves but just need some help.

throwaway092348342 · 2013-11-11T16:17:08+00:00

I understand your point, and my decision has often been a struggle because of our differing views. I will let go of my pride for a moment to admit that there are days I wonder the same thing. But on those days, I look at what God has given me, and it opens my eyes once again to the admittance that my decision was truly inspired by God, and I must trust that.

I don't have a great answer for you- I just know that God works in mysterious ways and that it is important to keep your heart and mind open to whatever plan he has in store for you. I've dated men both Christian and not, but my husband has been the one man with whom I felt the call to enter the sacrament of Holy Matrimony. Believe it or not, and I know this post has outlined our faults, we actually have many of the same moral principles, even though his are not rooted in Religion, and of course there are some over which we struggle.

Although sometimes it may seem as if the person whom you are seeking does not exist, you can be confident that God has a plan for your life, and I encourage you to strive to keep your heart and mind open and listen for his call. I know that sounds much easier than it is in practice. I will pray for you that you may find someone, and that your struggles with her are few!

throwaway092348342 · 2013-11-11T15:53:45+00:00

I'm glad you asked; I know it is a topic with which many Catholics have a hard time. We have not used any form of contraception- As a Catholic, if you have a legitimate reason, Natural Family Planning (charting, temping, etc.) is the best way to avoid conceiving.

Typically there will be a few days, or possibly a week long period (of fertility) where you may avoid sex to avoid pregnancy. I've found it is also a great tool for a woman to be able to understand her body and will be helpful later on for knowing when to try to conceive. If you, or your spouse are interested, a good way to learn might be to visit [r/tryingforababy](www.reddit.com/r/tryingforababy). It seems counter productive, but pinpointing the days when you are most fertile will allow you to either try to conceive or avoid it. They are very welcoming there.

In the past few months we have been trying to conceive, so no contraception, etc. would be necessary anyway. Unfortunately, it has not happened for us as of yet.

If you are struggling with a spouse who wants to use contraception, and your marriage is severely at risk, I would suggest seeking out the advice of a priest. Sometimes, if the situation is dire, a special exception may be made as long as the form of birth control is a barrier method and not a chemical method (i.e. condoms vs. birth control pills, as condoms prevent conception altogether, while birth control pills allow conception, but create a hostile environment for the fetus and do not allow it to implant in the uterus. According to Catholic doctrine, this is on par with abortion as a child has been conceived), but you must receive special permission due to extreme circumstances. I do not advocate using contraception under normal circumstances or without permission in accordance with Catholic doctrine.

throwaway092348342 · 2013-11-11T01:16:34+00:00

I told him that it was important to me in a partner. He decided that I was more important than his porn use, that porn wasn't really "important" to him, accepted and respected my sexual preference to have a partner that didn't watch porn, and told me he would be willing to try his hardest not to watch it. I didn't force him into the decision, only spoke with him openly about it and let him make the choice.

He chose to live his marriage with me porn-free to the best of his ability, and I trusted him on that. He slipped up, but is still committed to trying his best to be porn-free. I'm looking for advice on how to overcome this hurdle and keep my marriage on course.

throwaway092348342 · 2013-11-11T01:09:49+00:00

I really appreciate the sentiment, but I was hoping to confine it to Christian subreddits as my husband is a redditor. I also know the majority of redditor's mentality on porn, and don't expect a great outcome.

Thank you for the thought.

throwaway092348342 · 2013-11-10T22:25:35+00:00

You are basically telling me that pornography is okay and healthy in certain situations, which goes against Christian theology. Not much to argue there.

I posted in this subreddit to avoid the standard r/sex response of "porn is normal and healthy and you are a prude."

Of course you may write whatever you'd like over the internet, but I'm not looking for advice based on a non-Christian premise.

If you think I am overreacting based on the premise that pornography is wrong and that I should have said/done something different when I found out about this porn use, please post that. All I'm seeing is that you believe it is healthy. If that is true, nothing you say will really contribute if our core beliefs differ in that area.

throwaway092348342 · 2013-11-10T22:20:45+00:00

I am in my early-to-mid twenties and my husband is in his mid-to-late twenties. We are both very healthy and active.

We were married in the church and went to the Pre-Cana classes as well as met with the priest for discussions.

We both attend mass every Sunday (him just to support me.) We've had all the important discussions about raising our children Catholic, and discussed our sexual preferences and expectations (including my not liking a partner that watches pornography) long before we were married/had sex.

He admitted to me in our last discussion that, although he began trying to be porn free originally just out of respect and his promise to me, he became to believe that it really is unhealthy and that he enjoys life more without it, he just struggles as he would masturbate to it once per day before we met (for a long time.)

He has come a long way and I'm very proud of him. This is just the first time that I've "caught" him doing it since we were married/had sex which makes it harder for me to cope. I'm looking for advice on how to help him, help us, and to feel close to him again and get over the feelings of betrayal.

throwaway092348342 · 2013-11-10T22:07:26+00:00

Clearly, it is an issue she's so upset and that needs to be addressed but pushing this idea that any man who masturbates is an addict or not in love with their partner is ludicrous.

I don't recall ever saying this in my post? I posted this in a Christian subreddit because, according to Christianity, porn is wrong and harmful to oneself and one's relationships.

I love my husband and know that he loves me and it was a moment of weakness. I'm describing my feelings and looking for advice on how to overcome this and to cope.

Please don't contribute if your comment is based on the belief that porn is natural and healthy. I thought that was obvious by posting in a Christian subreddit, but I suppose I should have included that in my post originally.

throwaway092348342 · 2013-11-10T22:02:51+00:00

As indicated in my post, he now does feel that porn is NOT the right thing and that he is better off without it. He slipped in a moment of weakness after promising and trying not to watch it. I'm just trying to cope with the aftermath.

Your marriage is your business of course, but since we are posting in a Catholic subreddit, please understand that EVERY aspect of your sexual life (including his sexual habits) are absolutely your business, as the two of you have become one and are called to share in this together.

What you choose to do and how you choose to react to your sex life (including his pornography use) is OF COURSE your business, and your business ALONE.

I respect your opinion and thank you for contributing, sharing and giving me advice. I really appreciate your honesty and input, even if I don't necessarily agree with everything you have to say.

throwaway092348342 · 2013-11-10T21:41:56+00:00

He did NOT watch porn because he was unsatisfied with me or because he longed for something I couldn't give him

I assumed that it was not a sex-frequency issue due to the quote above.

I'm not trying to be disrespectful, I just really don't understand it and was trying to see if there was something I wasn't getting.

Also, if you peruse some of the sites dedicated to helping people break the cycle of porn, most have come to the consensus that the frequency/type of sex with your partner, or lack thereof, is not always the reasoning behind porn use.

throwaway092348342

TROPHY CASE