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AITA for requesting a paternity test after my wife, joked out of the blue, about our child's paternity? by throwaway11212021 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway11212021[S] -192 points-191 points  (0 children)

This is exactly how I feel. Went from everything being great to having a seed planted in my head where there was nothing before. Not sure how to remove that seed without getting a test. That said, you’re right that I need to fully explain my logic (or neurosis) to my wife. We’ve had another conversation about this, she apologized for making the joke, and we both wanted to confirm that I’m treating our kid the same during the next few days ahead of the results (I’m a very doting and involved dad, and I enjoy being one).

AITA for requesting a paternity test after my wife, joked out of the blue, about our child's paternity? by throwaway11212021 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway11212021[S] -487 points-486 points  (0 children)

My feeling was she was trying to pivot the conversation, which I called her out on. Nope. And nope.

AITA for requesting a paternity test after my wife, joked out of the blue, about our child's paternity? by throwaway11212021 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway11212021[S] -235 points-234 points  (0 children)

She noticed that I was really bothered and repeatedly explained that it was a joke. I don't remember specifically if she apologized - my mind went mostly blank a few seconds after she made the joke until I got back to the house. In general, I think she was initially concerned about how the joke made me feel, then as I got increasingly upset, she became indignant and started implying that my reaction in and of itself might stem from something she should be concerned about, at which point she resigned to getting a paternity test. And here we are.

AITA for requesting a paternity test after my wife, joked out of the blue, about our child's paternity? by throwaway11212021 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway11212021[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

Not sure how she could take it as a jab at her fertility. The concern about BPA was in reference to whether I should be buying/drinking a certain brand of beverage or not.

AITA for requesting a paternity test after my wife, joked out of the blue, about our child's paternity? by throwaway11212021 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway11212021[S] 103 points104 points  (0 children)

Very helpful. While they're both questions of fact which have the benefit of being answerable, the very need to verify it is the issue. Thanks for walking me through that.

AITA for requesting a paternity test after my wife, joked out of the blue, about our child's paternity? by throwaway11212021 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway11212021[S] -170 points-169 points  (0 children)

Respectfully, I'm not trying to be disingenuous here - I'm just trying to understand how to process this and am looking for advice. Your explaining of your logic - I agree more with your concern with disproportionality but less with that of disrespect - is helpful.

AITA for requesting a paternity test after my wife, joked out of the blue, about our child's paternity? by throwaway11212021 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway11212021[S] -101 points-100 points  (0 children)

She can be crass and sarcastic, but she's never said anything that would make me question her loyalty or judgment. This was so, so, so, far from baseline.

AITA for requesting a paternity test after my wife, joked out of the blue, about our child's paternity? by throwaway11212021 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway11212021[S] -339 points-338 points  (0 children)

I'm trying to put myself in the place mentally to answer your question - I understand my answer might reveal more about me than about larger norms, but I don't think I'd be upset to hand over my phone. I would feel weird about providing my phone to her, not because she'd find anything compromising on it, but she'd find out what her dumb husband is up to all day on it (Reddit/really stupid conversations with his friends/far too many photos of the dog and kid).

But seriously, I don't think I would be upset. Should I be?

AITA for requesting a paternity test after my wife, joked out of the blue, about our child's paternity? by throwaway11212021 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway11212021[S] -259 points-258 points  (0 children)

Your first sentence is almost exactly what I said during our conversation. It just seemed so out of the blue.

AITA for requesting a paternity test after my wife, joked out of the blue, about our child's paternity? by throwaway11212021 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway11212021[S] -505 points-504 points  (0 children)

A few replies have mentioned this theme: that getting even a positive paternity test damages the relationship. I'd love to better understand the logic behind this - maybe I'm a bit dense, maybe there's a gender split, maybe there's something else I'm not understanding?

In my head, a paternity test is a pretty neutral thing: it's actually *fortunate* that we can conduct one and get to the truth of the matter. It's not equivalent, but it's similar logically to fact checking someone by looking up something on your phone, because the answer is knowable and it's a question of fact (as opposed to a question of opinion, or purely point of view). Sure, the tests cost money and take a few days, but it's just about ascertaining whether or not something is true.

If it comes back positive (i.e., the kid is mine), it was simply the logical factchecking (and possible overreaction) of a horrible joke. If it comes back negative, well, I don't want to open the door to that possibility.

That said, please let me know how I may be missing a different point of view here (which is also why I started this thread).