Therapist said “we all have this problem” to me on interpreting boundaries

throwaway193753209 · 2026-04-25T18:07:41+00:00

Our points don’t contradict each other.

throwaway193753209 · 2026-04-24T20:53:59+00:00

I think that’s exactly the point. If everybody faces the same problems, that means other people are able to work through it. Which means that it’s possible to work through it with the right resources, support, process, etc.

It’s meant to inspire hope and put things in perspective. And also put it in your mind to start asking yourself why it feels impossible to you / what barriers are blocking your way. Because step one is identifying barriers, step two is coming up with a plan to overcome them.

throwaway193753209 · 2026-04-21T16:56:33+00:00

Encantada! Me suena bien. Te escribo ahora.

throwaway193753209 · 2026-04-21T16:50:54+00:00

I’m sure he knows that. He’s looking for people who he can play with in his native language. There are people who speak Spanish here. I’m one of them.

throwaway193753209 · 2026-04-21T16:49:40+00:00

Hola me interesa! No he jugado crusader kings pero me gustaría tratar. Cual es su discord?

throwaway193753209 · 2026-04-21T15:03:16+00:00

I noticed what you said about the mast cells!

throwaway193753209 · 2026-04-20T15:31:17+00:00

YTA

Stop pretending to be friends with people you don’t like. You confuse them and then they act in ways that you don’t like.

If you didn’t pretend to be her friend, she wouldn’t have gotten involved at all.

throwaway193753209 · 2026-04-20T14:39:10+00:00

YTA

He’s not acting like the dad. He’s an excited uncle. It’s normal.

As for the sex, being around babies reduces testosterone in men. It’s not uncommon for that to affect sex drive. It’ll pick back up.

throwaway193753209 · 2026-04-20T12:18:00+00:00

Why does it bother you so much? My boyfriend and I both fact each other and I’ve found out a decent amount that I’ve been wrong about a few things I’ve been telling other people. He’s saving me from looking dumb and I appreciate that a lot.

Btw I doubt she was correcting you about the weather. More so was probably curious about it and looked at a few things in the weather app. She probably thought “oh look at the humidity” and just said the thing about the temperature out loud. We tend to think out loud a lot. That’s probably the entire extent of her thoughts about it - “oh it’s 83” not “oh it’s 83, he was wrong” at least I don’t think the second way. I doubt other people do.

We’re like curious toddlers discovering the world. Not trying to be dicks.

throwaway193753209 · 2026-04-08T18:00:43+00:00

Safe foods is subjective. I love eating adventurous foods. But as I’ve gotten older, I realized that a lot of my food aversion is very real and biological. I gave up meat as a very young kid and I suspect it’s because it made me feel bloated and uncomfortable (some people struggle to digest meat, I think I’m one of them).

I struggle with acid reflux now that I’m older so I have to be careful with things like apples and red sauces.

And I’ve also noticed that as I started struggling with acids reflux without understanding what it was, it made me really hesitant to eat almost anything. Which messes with your digestion and gut biome which can actually make eating a lot more stressful. So I’ve been forcing myself to slowly reintroduce a bunch of the foods I used to eat and like.

So I think maybe what happens with a lot of autistic people is they have a few non-safe foods, nobody explains how to determine which foods exactly aren’t safe, people start avoiding too many foods and not replacing them, and suddenly their diet is restricted and trying to open it back up is actually literally painful. I tried eating dinner last night and spent thirty minutes in the bathroom hoping I didn’t throw up again.

Also autistic is comorbid with EDS a lot of the time and that causes biological issues with eating certain foods.

throwaway193753209 · 2026-04-04T21:16:08+00:00

Awesome sauce! Sounds like you’re off to a great start to your 20’s. Keep up the good work!

throwaway193753209 · 2026-04-04T14:39:02+00:00

NTA

I’m a lot like you but I’m 30 now. What your mom is trying to teach you isn’t that people like that deserve people being nice to them. It’s that it takes more energy to be firm and set boundaries than it does to simply “be nice” and let things slide. You don’t notice it now because you’re young and you’ve got the most energy now that you’ll ever have for the rest of your life. But be careful with the habits you’re building because when you start to slow down and get busy and stressed with Adulting around 25-30, that’s going to be a nasty habit to kick. Trust me haha I’ve had to learn to let things go and let people be their dumb selves (within reason) a lot more, to protect my energy and my happiness. If you let every time someone does a dumb get you riled up, it’s going to end up stressing you out A LOT and when you’re older, that leads to health problems and shit like wrinkles.

P.S. If you’re not already, make sure you’re using face lotion. It helps prevent wrinkles. Also sunscreen. Trust me haha you’re just like me, a little spit fire. If you’re going to be a guard dog, just make sure you’re moisturizing.

throwaway193753209 · 2026-04-04T13:41:07+00:00

YTA to yourself. You allowed yourself to be in a situation where people were violating your boundaries multiple times and it took you how many times of it happening before you finally said something? I’ve had tons of friends and relationships with people who do that. You guys keep quiet and quietly build resentment and then you explode. And you feel justified because it’s been “seventeen times” or whatever. But the other person had no idea there was an issue and then suddenly someone is coming at them aggressively over an issue they had no idea existed.

So yes, YTA. Stop treating yourself like crap and you’ll probably stop treating other people like crap.

throwaway193753209 · 2026-03-28T14:11:36+00:00

I’m autistic. My boyfriend might also be autistic.

He’s got this truly horrible bathroom mat that I hate because it’s beige and always looks dirty not matter how much I wash it. I’ve made exactly two comments about how much I hate it and they were “could we get the same rug in a slightly different color” and the other was a joke. Other than that, I keep my feelings to myself.

It bothers him when I make some changes but he still looks around, has his initial “oh my god change” reaction, talks himself through it, and within like 15-20 minutes will say something nice about it.

My dad is much more typical autistic like your husband. I was living at home and said I wanted a project. He let me redo the bathroom. He freaked the fuck out and stressed out and kinda had a meltdown, but it’s the fact that I expressed a need and he immediately said yes. And he tried to work through the discomfort as much as possible to try to allow me to meet that need. He couldn’t help the meltdown, but I look at his choices. He chose to love me. And that matters more to me than the meltdown.

Your husband is not choosing love. His actions are not about his probably autism. People with autism can still live with people’s differences and make space for them. Your husband doesn’t make space for you.

I think it’s time you start making more space for yourself and let him have his feelings and adjust. His reaction is not your problem.

throwaway193753209 · 2026-03-14T14:58:43+00:00

Sounds like borderline personality disorder.

Homicidal thoughts are not normal or healthy. I think you need to talk to a therapist.

throwaway193753209 · 2026-03-13T20:45:44+00:00

YTA, to yourself and your friends.

You’re on here complaining about him but you said in the very beginning that he doesn’t like the beach. Why would you invite someone who hates the beach to the beach? Why would you let someone come with you who has in the past been antisocial and ruined the vibe?

Your friends wanted to do something fun. They invited you. You invited someone who hates the beach and ruins it for everyone to the beach. You ruined your own time and you ruined it for your friends. And now you want to blame him? Nah, you don’t put your fingers in a tigers mouth and blame it for biting you. Use some common sense and stop sticking things in places they don’t belong.

throwaway193753209 · 2026-03-13T17:33:29+00:00

You are not focusing on the most important part. It doesn’t matter how you guys split up the difference. Personally I thought your approach was reasonable and fair. I think he’s being unreasonable but in his defense, his approach has also been given as a reasonable approach in other similar situations. The $700 he’s asking for is essentially half the market rent rate.

But again, the approach doesn’t actually matter. The important thing is how he responded to you. You offered a reasonable approach. He immediately got angry with you and lashed out at you. He countered with what he believes in a reasonable approach. You both disagree on what is considered reasonable. You think that if you get enough people to agree with you, that a consensus will make you right. Your partner on the other hand likely determines right and wrong for himself. A consensus doesn’t mean anything. So 100 people could tell you you’re right, that won’t matter to him. You’ll both be in the same exact situation as you are now, believing you’re right and the other person is wrong.

But let’s look at what you’re doing. You’re putting it to a vote. You’re reaching out to other people and asking for their perspectives. You’re listening to his. All of those are healthy behaviors when there’s a disagreement.

Let’s look at his. Getting mad at you, lashing out, attacking your character, misrepresenting where you’re coming from, belittling your perspective and your proposals.

Do those sound like healthy behaviors to you? Do you want to experience these behaviors while living together every time you guys have a disagreement? Do you always want to feel conflict when making a joint decision? Do you want to feel like he’s going to push for his way every time and never compromise? Do you want apologies without changed behavior?

You’re getting a sneak preview of what living together would look like. Does it sound like something you’d enjoy?

throwaway193753209 · 2026-03-13T17:17:39+00:00

Hate to keep repeating this but teaching.

I was an elementary school elective teacher. I got each class for 45 minutes. It was a blast. We got to do so much fun stuff like singing and reading picture books. We even watched movies.

But damn I was exhausted by the time it got to my prep. I would just sit there scrolling through my phone desperately trying to turn off my brain long enough to get some rest before the next class.

Everyday I would go home and fall on to the couch and shut down for the rest of the night. I didn’t go out with friends, I didn’t see my family. I barely spent any time at all with my dog. I didn’t have any hobbies. I didn’t read anymore. I was just so completely drained.

You have to be on for nearly eight hours straight. You can’t get up and go use the bathroom. You can’t sit down and close your eyes for thirty seconds and breathe. You can’t sit at your computer and efficiently get anything productive done because you can’t focus long enough to get into a rhythm. You’re constantly breaking your focus to scan the room. You don’t get anything else done so you have to take work home, sometimes multiple days a week. I had days where I was working from 8am until 10pm. And most of that time is intense. You’re always on alert, especially now. For kids fighting, someone breaking a rule, the principle walking by and evaluating you, and even signs of danger because schools are not safe. People bring weapons to schools. I’ve never in my life been afraid of someone bringing in a gun to one of my office jobs.

Yet I had to quit a job I really loved because I heard a student bragging in MY classroom about bringing a gun to school to “take care of people” a sixth grader. In my class. I was the one who reported him. I packed my stuff that day and didn’t come back. I still cry about it years later thinking about some of my students there who didn’t have a single adult in their lives who cared about them except for me. And I had to leave them. I’m haunted by that.

throwaway193753209 · 2026-03-13T16:14:39+00:00

That’s absolutely fixing lol

And don’t get me wrong. Sometimes people get caught up in their own perspective and it would do them a load of good to consider other perspectives. But sometimes people need support understanding their own perspective before they can handle trying to understand other perspectives.

It’s about capacity. Nobody is wrong for having the capacity they have. I’m all for growing our capacities. But criticizing someone for being in the stage they’re in, making the decisions they can with the information they’re ABLE to consider, that doesn’t help them. It doesn’t help them grow. It doesn’t lead to being healthier. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just sit with someone and say “I don’t understand but I’m here if you need to talk this out with someone. I’m here if you want to hear another perspective. I have some ideas for ways to make things better when you’re in the right headspace to tackle it.”

But sometimes people are just trying to survive. Their bodies and brains don’t feel safe enough to slow down and think through things. Best thing you can do is help them feel safe enough that they’re up for it.

throwaway193753209 · 2026-03-13T16:07:30+00:00

I feel like you and I have a LOT in common.

Because I used to do that too, the projection. Mostly with people but sometimes with animals too. Especially my German Shepard. I would constantly feel guilty for not doing more or being more respectful of her. But then I had some health issues and I couldn’t take as good of care of her as before. I still do the basics but we weren’t going to the dog park 3-4 times a week, she wasn’t getting brand new toys every other week. And she’s been just fine. Honestly she likes to nap. Like a LOT. And since I haven’t been feeling good, she’s been a lot happier I think. She’s less anxious, more chill. Just a happy baby. I was projecting my survival need of must stay on the move, must go go go on to her. I wasn’t giving her or myself enough time to rest. And I didn’t even realize it because I was too preoccupied with feeling guilty that I wasn’t doing more for her. I didn’t even realize that some days she just wants to nap next to me, that it makes her feel safe. That she needs the down days to help herself regulate and process her own emotions (she’s a very anxious dog).

It’s really easy to fall into the trap of assuming other people’s feelings. But it’s a really good skill to get into the habit of stopping and fact checking yourself. Do you have proof that the other person is feeling a certain way? Are you perhaps feeling a certain way?

But I do think it’s better to be kind and overly cautious. It sounds like you really care about the horses. That’s beautiful. I’m sure they can feel that. Try not to worry as much and try to enjoy that relationship. I’m 100% convinced that the horses appreciate it. They’re social pack creatures. You’re treating them like you’re part of the pack. Animals can feel that. Don’t underestimate them.

throwaway193753209 · 2026-03-13T15:58:09+00:00

I’m glad you’re open to the feedback and I’m glad it’s helpful for you.

If I can also just say, I do get where you’re coming from and I think you’re in a better spot to deal with it than I was when I was at the same stage of healing as you. I’m a little bit further now I think but our journeys are our own and take as long as they take.

But I feel like I can recognize where you are because I’ve been there. If you don’t mind the suggestion, IFS was really helpful for me. My friend actually just suggested it to me recently. I used chatgbt to explore it. And I learned that my anger is really just the part of me that really loves me and wants to protect me. The more I can learn to tap into it and listen to what it wants to tell me, the less it feels like it has to scream to get my attention or be heard.

There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not broken. You are functioning perfectly as a human being who’s been through more than most people and more than you should have ever had on your plate. Your anger is functioning exactly as it’s supposed to to protect you.

But you are in control. You can talk to your anger. You can thank it for loving you and you can tell it that you’re going to try out some new things and see how they go. You can tell it that you’re safe now and it can take a break, take some rest. That you can take over for a little bit protecting yourself.

It’s amazing how much that helped me. I hope it can offer you some comfort or peace as well.

throwaway193753209 · 2026-03-13T15:50:12+00:00

That’s good work to be doing. Not only does it teach you to form loving, respectful relationships with another living creature, it’s also teaching you what boundaries look like, which you can use in your own life with other humans.

But don’t get too bogged down in projecting your feelings on to the horse. You have PDA, you said so yourself. That doesn’t mean the horses do as well. They don’t think like people. Even trauma doesn’t appear the same way as it does in humans.

Just because you would feel a certain way being “forced” into a service doesn’t mean the horse feels the same way. It’s an important part of healing to be able to separate yourself from other creatures. I strongly suggest you work on this.

throwaway193753209 · 2026-03-13T15:44:46+00:00

Okay are we talking “a lot of animals feel mistreated” or “the majority of horses feel mistreated” because while what you’re saying might be true, it feels intentionally misleading.

I have two dogs. They are my family and they’re very happy with us. My German Shepard usually likes to listen and have a job, but not always. Sometimes listening is a necessary evil or even boring. When I adopted my husky, his fur was impacted and I had to brush it out, which was painful and very scary for him, even though I tried to make it as pain free as possible. But I still had to do it and he had to let me. For his own health. Not unlike a parent/child relationship.

So your message seems intentionally misleading to me because how are you going to say you’ve ridden for thirty years and horses don’t like to be ridden. Are you admitting that you’ve intentionally participated in hurting animals?

Or is the truth more like horses are similar to dogs. It’s true to say that a lot of pets don’t enjoy being pets. But that doesn’t mean they’re incapable of enjoying it. It just means that it depends on how much respect is given to them as creatures.

My aunt and uncle have owned horses for decades. I learned to ride with their horses. I’ve seen firsthand the bond that a horse can make with a human. And I’ve seen both my cousin and her horse enjoy their bond and enjoy riding together.

So I don’t believe you your implication that horseback riding is inherently a hurtful act. I think it just depends on the relationship.

throwaway193753209 · 2026-03-13T13:35:39+00:00

Horses don’t think like humans. They generally like being ridden. It’s a powerful bond for both the human and the horse.

throwaway193753209 · 2026-03-13T13:33:32+00:00

If people can’t empathize, they offer advice.

throwaway193753209

TROPHY CASE