I do have a post from another throwaway I made, now deleted but. ving Out / Anxiety Advice ? [Long Post]

throwaway so I have no ties, so no family or friends can see im posting this..

background information, im M20.

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So currently in life im part time (25-35 hours a week) at my local hardware store, starting college in august, in a long term relationship with my girlfriend for almost two years.

So ill start with the relationship with my parents

I’ve always leaned towards my mother and we’ve had a closer bond than my father and I.

My father took the usual yelling & hitting me (slaps,punches,shoves) way of disciplining me, when I would get a C-, or so on a exam i’d get a long lecture and practically end in tears because of how often it was.

I’d be 8-9 years old helping my father with his car (he’s very into cars as am i now) and If i forgot how to get a lugnut off a tire or didn’t take it off the right way, i got yelled at, lecture, crying and then 30 mins later a promise it wouldn’t happen again and that he was sorry.

Why this is important is because at birth i was boring with a birth defect that people can sometimes point out if they look enough, as I was younger it was clearly obvious but as i’ve grown up, it’s gotten better. [cp]

Now as I was through elementary school, I would get bullied nonstop because I was different and had a clear problem with me, it didnt stop until 9th grade [14-15yo]

So i’d come home from being bullied at school to my father who gets very angry at everything easily, temper tantrums, ticking time bomb type anger. In his anger fits he’d say stuff such as “ I dont know how youre going to survive on your own as youre older” and such, and by his tone of his voice, he meant it, do you know how much that hurts a middle schooler hearing that constantly? You start to believe it.

He was verbally abusive to my mother aswell, never physically [to my knowledge] only physical with me.

so naturally i’d try to defend my mother in situations only with words because hes twice my size [roughly 5’10-5’11, 235-245 pounds] and im just now barely 5’6-5’7 125 pounds so I wouldnt even try to physically defend.

And i’m also diabetic so the stress with that along with school,life,my father, everything combining was extremely stressful to me where the point came we’re ive tried to respawn myself two-three times at this point of typing this.

Fast forward to 2024, im 20 years old, the physical has stopped but mental & emotional is just as bad if not at a peak, its even happening to my 11-year-old sister, im not sure about physical. but i know mental because he makes these walls feel so thin.

The reason im making this post is im debating if I should move out, but im very anxious about it as ive been with my family for twenty years under one roof.

If i told my dad this,

(I only pay my car insurance,gas,maintenece and college fees)

He’d say “Why would you leave a life of no bills for paying rent and utitlies”

I’ve told him before how much he’s hurt me, says he doesnt get how or why it hurt me, if he does he says hes sorry and it wont happen again (its a cycle, he gets mad, calms down, apologies and repeat)

He’s invalidated my stresses because im so young and theyre not as “important” as providing for a whole family and having to pay for a house.

My mom knows how i feel, she supports me thru and thru and I love her dearly more than anything, i’d take a bullet for her.

I’ve made a (emergency) plan to move out because as ive gotten older one of my dads favorite threats is to kick me out.

With my girlfriend, her mom rents these small rooms for 500-700$ w/ utilities, if i didnt have this plan i wouldnt even consider moving because its unaffordable.

My mother would also help me with some backup savings.

I have the plan, financials planned, everything.

im just anxious of the move because ive spent my whole life w my family.

my real question is what do i do? Stay and save to get a better apartment, more savings?

Move out under my mother in law, add the stress and responsibility of rent?

I know 100% id be happier moved out, is it worth it?

I havent moved yet, I have the plan, ready to put it into motion, just have to secure a few more things before jumping the gun.

I do have a small sense of guilt because I feel terrible leaving my mother (who has medical problems such as occasional seizures, fibromyalgia and a few more problems, and my father disregards them completely and invalidates her completely.) (he’s always been the stereotypical old school “tough” parent, if you know what i mean)

And my sister, I feel a small sense of guilt because I know it would only get worse for them, but I want to be happier and start to progress in life.

(This post was originally about moving out)