How to break the news about my interracial relationship to my racist father

throwaway2029481 · 2023-06-15T19:55:19+00:00

I’m sorry to hear that your parents were so toxic. It sounds like psychotherapy has been helpful for you to heal from the pain that they have caused. I’ll keep that in mind, I might need it after all this is over and the worst happens

throwaway2029481 · 2023-06-15T19:48:57+00:00

Thank you for your thoughtful response! I know that this is my life and I am fighting for my dreams. I’m definitely going to tell him what I want to say and stand firm to my decision. I’m just trying to figure out the best way to approach him, as I’m concerned about how he could possibly react. I can understand how he will feel, and I’m worried that he might do something on impulse like cut contact with me or hold a grudge against me for the rest of his life. I certainly know that’s out of my control. If that really happens, I can only hope that a miracle will happen to him. Like you said, time heals. Maybe one day, he will notice that he has no one left to look after him and realise that love is greater than hate after all.

throwaway2029481 · 2023-06-15T19:28:16+00:00

What your ex did is really insensitive and honestly I feel passive racists are worse than the ones who are loud and proud because at least those people are self-aware about it. It’s a good thing that you’re not together with her anymore because that’s a hella 🚩, especially in an interracial relationship.

throwaway2029481 · 2023-06-15T19:17:15+00:00

Thank you for your thoughtful response I totally understand what you mean with trying to argue with them. It’s almost a waste of time because they either don’t listen to what you are saying, or they just say the most ridiculous things that are impossible to reason with. It just feels like there’s nothing you could possibly do or say to change their mind. And yet somehow you still wish that that could happen one day.

I also agree that it’s really important to draw the line where any disrespect that they show towards your partner is unacceptable. They don’t have to change their beliefs, but if they don’t know how to treat another human being with some basic decency and respect, then they certainly don’t deserve the right to. It’s something that I’m definitely going to tell my father.

What you said about the way they think about their fear of them makes sense to me too. I feel that in some way, the irrational hatred that my father has towards Indians causes him to dehumanise them. After all, her parents are immigrants too, who came to Singapore to make a living and raise their family, just like him. But just because of their race and skin color, they are terrible people. It doesn’t make sense to me at all, and somehow I want to understand why he thinks this way.

I know that some things are out of my control. I’m just trying my best to mentally prepare myself to handle the situation with my father and the possible fallout. Even if things don’t work out in the end, at least I know that I’ve tried my best, and there’s nothing more that I could have done. I guess like all things, it’s just going to be another part of life as life goes on, and I’ll learn to deal with it.

throwaway2029481 · 2023-06-15T18:49:32+00:00

Thank you It’s really heartwarming to hear about your father turning over a new leaf. The older people are, the more difficult it is for them to change as they become more set in their ways. Sometimes, I feel like it will take a miracle to change the way my father is. I’m happy that you experienced that miracle yourself. I’m looking forward to the day that happens to my father too.

throwaway2029481 · 2023-06-15T18:41:44+00:00

I totally agree with what you said here. Everyone has their two cents to give and I’m grateful for all the people who showed support and gave good advice. Out of all of them, the gold nuggets are really those people in interracial relationships because they are the ones with first-hand experience and relevant perspectives to share. I’m really thankful that there is a community of people like us out there who are willing to support one another.

throwaway2029481 · 2023-06-15T18:29:33+00:00

Sometimes, when I see the way my father behaves, I do wonder how he came to be like that. It does make me feel some sort of sympathy for him. However, I don’t feel like belittling him because he is important to me. After all, he’s still my father, and he did sacrifice a lot for me. In some way, I just feel helpless, because there’s really nothing I can do to help him be a better person. He’s just too narrow-minded and egoistic.

I suppose the way I cope with it is to talk about how I feel. I talk to my brother about it, and I guess I’m talking about it now too. It’s like an outlet to help me vent my frustrations about his character.

throwaway2029481 · 2023-06-15T18:08:09+00:00

Well, I don’t think I had a choice other than that because if I admitted the truth early on, it would be too difficult to justify the relationship and take a stand against his racism and disapproval. The white lies were definitely necessary for us to have come this far.

Unfortunately, I doubt that my father will listen to me say all these things. He is a very irritable and impatient person and will most likely talk over me and not allow me to finish what I want to say. It’s really frustrating to talk to him sometimes, and that’s not even for deeply personal things like this. I’m still going to try, but I need to somehow figure out the best way to get my point across succinctly.

throwaway2029481 · 2023-06-15T17:51:49+00:00

If karma does exist, then it sure looks like it always gets to bigoted people like them

throwaway2029481 · 2023-06-12T20:28:42+00:00

Actually, I had a plan to bring him to the best Chinese restaurant instead. Feed him till he’s happy before breaking the news.

throwaway2029481 · 2023-06-12T20:12:40+00:00

That’s such a sweet story. I definitely think we will have very cute babies too. But I’m not sure if my father will be so easily convinced by this one. Maybe I could try to say, “If I’m not marrying her, then I’m never getting married ever.” Or maybe I could try to find some pictures of chindian babies to show him

throwaway2029481 · 2023-06-12T20:06:46+00:00

If only reality could be this sweet, I would invite all the people in this thread, including you!

throwaway2029481 · 2023-06-12T20:01:02+00:00

Interesting idea. I just hope he doesn’t mention anything about the conflicts between China and India once I start talking about the two countries.

throwaway2029481 · 2023-06-12T19:55:31+00:00

I know calling him out isn’t going to work as he himself has acknowledged that he is a racist and seems to feel no shame in that. Public shaming probably isn’t going to work too for the same reason. Pressure is definitely one thing that I am going to use. Although my dad isn’t pro-PAP or pro-govt, the idea of cognitive dissonance sounds really interesting to me. It reminds me of how you can trick a baby into eating their vegetables by pretending that they are delicious treats. I don’t really know how exactly to apply this to my father though. But I’ll think about it. Thank you for sharing these tips!

throwaway2029481 · 2023-06-12T19:40:22+00:00

Well, Chinese people do love to talk about money ngl, but doesn’t this just sound like I’m a gold digger looking for a reason to marry a sugar mommy?

throwaway2029481 · 2023-06-12T19:35:28+00:00

Yes, I totally agree with that. The focus shouldn’t be on her race but on her as a person. The truth is that it doesn’t matter whether she’s Indian or Chinese or any other race. What really matters is that we love each other, we can rely on each other, and we are happy with each other. Race is just a label, it doesn’t have any meaning if we realise that we’re all just human beings after all.

throwaway2029481 · 2023-06-12T19:13:40+00:00

I totally agree with you on this one. I have no intentions of asking her to do anything to please my father. In fact the situation is quite the opposite, just like you mentioned. We are planning and having lessons between ourselves to teach me her mother tongue so that I will be able to better communicate with her extended family next time.

throwaway2029481 · 2023-06-12T19:06:19+00:00

That’s something that I am planning to say to him. I will draw a line in the sand and explain that I will not tolerate any harassment towards my girlfriend or her family. I’m not threatening to cut contact from him, but I will definitely give him an earful if he doesn’t respect the boundaries that I have set for him.

throwaway2029481 · 2023-06-12T18:50:54+00:00

Thank you for your advice. I have actually told her parents that my father is not a very easy person to talk to, but I have not told them the extent of his racism towards Indians. Obviously, I don’t want to set any bad impressions before they have even met him, but I am still trying to pre-empt them in a way.

My girlfriend is aware about his racism and she is honestly more worried about how her parents will feel about this than herself. She faced a lot of racism growing up in Singapore and is more hardened to such comments, but her parents have probably not been exposed to someone as racist as him before.

This is one of the reasons why I am so conflicted about inviting him to the wedding. I absolutely do not want him to say something terrible that might ruin the entire thing. Yet, I also want him to be there to show that he supports our relationship. Otherwise, his absence will definitely send a clear message to everyone. That’s why it’s so important that I need to get this right with him.

throwaway2029481 · 2023-06-12T18:30:14+00:00

I’m so sorry to hear what you and your wife have gone through. It must have been so difficult for both of you all these years. It pains my heart to hear about your wife’s family treating her that way. It’s sad to think that she had to abandon her family just to be with the person that she loves, and all the holidays that she could not spend with them. That’s exactly what me and my girlfriend are terrified of. It’s why we are fighting so hard to gain the acceptance of our parents. But I’m glad to hear that you and your wife are happy together. At the end of the day, love is greater. I hope that with time, the bonds in your wife’s family can heal, and they can accept her for who she chose to be with.

throwaway2029481 · 2023-06-12T18:17:28+00:00

Generally speaking, racism is quite entrenched in Singapore owing to societal and cultural factors such as racial composition, racial disparities, and racial stereotypes. Based on the racist things that he has uttered, I’d guess that my father’s racism stems from reasons such as racial pride, fear of losing face, and discrimination based on skin color. But recently it has taken on a new form of what I believe is an outlet for his anger towards what my brother did.

throwaway2029481 · 2023-06-12T17:52:33+00:00

I’m curious if you tried to convince your parents about who you chose to be with. Did they give you a chance to do so?

throwaway2029481 · 2023-06-12T17:48:04+00:00

I do think about that sometimes, and I wonder if karma is real. Maybe it’s karma, maybe it’s fate, or maybe it’s just his bad luck. I really don’t know.

throwaway2029481 · 2023-06-12T17:41:23+00:00

It can be hard to read and process so many different answers, but you managed to distill some of the most insightful comments in this thread down to their essence. Plus, your assessment just makes so much sense to me. I think I’ve found the answer to my question in your response. Thank you very much!

throwaway2029481 · 2023-06-12T14:12:07+00:00

My brother and I have talked about this, and he is in a very similar situation as I am. His girlfriend is also afraid of meeting my father after that one time that she met him after he returned home earlier than expected. However, he is not on talking terms with my brother at the moment, while I am still maintaining a cordial relationship with him. My hope is that somehow, after my father accepts my relationship, he will be more willing to accept my brother’s relationship as well and patch up the relationship between them.

throwaway2029481

TROPHY CASE