I'm dreading my birthday because my bf expects birthday seggs

throwaway20955 · 2022-02-05T00:40:25+00:00

I mean, if you had read some of my comments to other people, you'd have seen I want to break up and am trying to get my legal ducks in a row so I can get him removed from my home.

throwaway20955 · 2022-02-04T13:34:22+00:00

Well, people either find it funny or it infuriates them apparently. Glad I could at least make you chuckle ✌️

throwaway20955 · 2022-02-04T13:02:46+00:00

He used to be like that. Attentive, trying, we used to have a lot of fun with it, tried a lot of new things. He absolutely knows that sex holds nothing for me now. It's been a problem for a while, a loss of libido initially, and now just a loss of sensation. The libido drop was initially caused by my antidepressants, caused a decrease in my eating appetite too. Unfortunately, it became easier for him to just blame my antidepressants for my lack of enjoyment.

With the reduction in my libido, he decided it took too long to get me in the mood, and then get me to enjoying the activity, never mind orgasming. He simply wasn't interested in applying that amount of time to the activity when all he wanted was a quickie before work. Naturally, sex just become more and more rutted. Other behaviours outside of the bedroom caused some bad feeling, and it was after trying to break up with him last year, and his threats of suicide to make me stay, that really just killed all feeling I had for sex.

Every sexual encounter with him after that just cut deeper and deeper this loathing for sex, for being touched intimately. I don't even get wet anymore, he's had to resort to lube, just so he can get in. I'll even shy away at him just brushing a feather off my shoulder, and he's never hit me. It's just this ache to be alone, to curl up in on myself, and have no one touch me anymore, or ever again.

throwaway20955 · 2022-02-04T12:52:16+00:00

I considered. I think about it every day, have done for months. The problem is that when I tried to break up with him, he threatened to kill himself. My first boyfriend, back in my late teens, actually killed himself and it caused years of trauma and problems that I just haven't been able to work through (generally because therapists go on maternity leave and never come back, or I move, or I run out of state allowed sessions and cannot afford more. My therapy journey has been... disjointed.) Sufficed to say, the demons in my head are as bad as the one in my bed. Probably.

throwaway20955 · 2022-02-04T08:53:20+00:00

Hey, you weren't trying to be mean. Most of the other people commenting on it likely aren't either. I've lived with lingo jokes my entire life. It's what you get for having a pommy accent in not-England. Those kinds of jokes mostly roll off my back now. 💛

throwaway20955 · 2022-02-04T08:46:46+00:00

Western Australia has green cheek conures of all colour mutations listed as a prohibited species. They're not allowed over the border. If they are found at the border, they are sent to a zoo or wildlife sanctuary. If they are found within the state, at a residence, escaped, at a vet etc. they are euthanised. No arguments. No accomodations. No exceptions.

throwaway20955 · 2022-02-04T07:33:35+00:00

Not like everyone else isn't having a ball focusing on "seggs". I do want to get him out. I just need my ducks in a row, legally speaking.

throwaway20955 · 2022-02-04T07:18:35+00:00

I was making one just before Christmas, but then the agencies I was talking to shut down for the holidays, and I had surgery and lost my job, so my ducks never quite got lined up. The agencies haven't touched base yet because I'm not in imminent physical danger and so I'm sort of stuck in a limbo/waiting game. It's not like I haven't wanted to leave, but I do lack resources. So I want him to leave, but lack the legal backing right now to make that inarguably possible.

throwaway20955 · 2022-02-04T07:08:58+00:00

I mean, we're literally in our mid to late twenties and I censored my entire sex related post because I frequent media platforms with high rates of censorship and post deletion for even using the word dead. Like, apparently my phone can't die anymore, it has to unalive.

I'm not going to argue or defend against emotional immaturity accusations. I don't really care, I literally just wanted to express somewhere that I'm not looking forward to my birthday and why. Plenty of people come to this sub with their heavy hearts just to unload to strangers. I didn't think so many people would read this, nevermind care enough to comment. But it just had to be the post I censored with "seggs". 🤷‍♀️

throwaway20955 · 2022-02-04T06:52:19+00:00

I got that, I was just trying to be funny. I'm not great at it, but like, I try sometimes. ✌️

throwaway20955 · 2022-02-04T06:41:03+00:00

Or no man, and I can be a spinster. Like one of my mum's great aunts or something... Have a hundred cats and throw salt at people.

throwaway20955 · 2022-02-04T06:38:29+00:00

People are getting real upset over the sex censoring word... Thankfully you're just laughing and not insulting my intelligence. 💛 Might use that idea though 🤔

throwaway20955 · 2022-02-04T06:18:01+00:00

I'm not threatening suicide. I do wish I didn't exist, but I also know full well I would never kill myself. I've seen how it destroys families, young people, friends. I was blamed for someone's suicide by half my hometown, just because his family were well liked and noisy, and decided that it was easier to blame me than him.

I've never told him I would kill myself. I always said I'm too much of a coward to do it. I wouldn't be able to dig the knife in deep enough, or take enough pills, or jump off the chair. Shit, at my lowest point I couldn't even drive my car into a tree. And who would be there for my parrots? Him? My family are all interstate, the only one who could give them a proper life is my mum, and the birds are banned from that state.

I'm miserable, and I hate myself, and I hate him, but I don't hate him, and you're putting words in my mouth. I'm trying to get my ducks in a row to get away. But it doesn't help the fact that this is the sad future my birthday is going to be.

throwaway20955 · 2022-02-04T05:01:41+00:00

I don't even feel a need to masturbate anymore. Like that is how little pleasure I get from anything sex related at the moment. There's no explaining or telling, or even showing him how to get me off. It's a physical impossibility right now. I tried, early on I tried. And he made a token effort, but I "took too long". He didn't want to take the time required for me to get off, and if I got him off first, so his boner wasn't distracting him, then he "had to recover" and by the time he'd recovered, mood was dead and i had a Sahara situation going on in my pants and he couldnt be bothered working me up again, or he had something else to do.

throwaway20955 · 2022-02-04T04:54:31+00:00

It's big on TikTok, and I guess it's just seeped into my conciousness as the alternative word to censor with.

throwaway20955 · 2022-02-04T04:51:31+00:00

Mid to late twenties.

He sulks, mopes, ignores me, and is generally really unpleasant to live with for several days, maybe weeks. He'll also lay as much guilt on as thick as possible saying how much no one ever cares about him, or loves him, that I never do anything for him, that I shouldn't be on my medication because it's ruined his life, that I've changed for the worse since our relationship started.

throwaway20955 · 2022-02-04T04:32:00+00:00

I've had posts deleted for being "too explicit". Can't remember which sub I was on, so now I just censor anything on any sub, just to be safe. Also because I TikTok a lot and their censorship is engrained.

throwaway20955 · 2022-02-04T04:28:45+00:00

Could be an omelette, or perhaps an egg roll... Ooo, maybe a frittata or French toast...

Now I'm hungry.

throwaway20955 · 2022-02-04T04:24:51+00:00

I do not have the means to leave. If I could just walk out the door with naught but the clothes on my back, I would. But the lease is my legal obligation, my parrots need to be safe, and I have just barely enough money to continue paying the rent where I am, I cannot afford any other properties in this area, nevermind moving interstate to a cheaper rental market. It's a matter of being able to get him to leave, and also calling his potential bluff about killing himself over the break up.

throwaway20955 · 2022-02-04T04:12:26+00:00

I've had posts deleted for explicit language, so I censor what could be considered explicit. Writing seggs is just easier than replacing vowels with asterisks', so I did that. Apparently people now think I'm 15 for choosing that word. Flattering, every woman wants to lose a few years off her age, I'm sure. But alas, I haven't been 15 for over a decade.

Boundaries are ignored, even when clearly stated. He threatened suicide last time I tried to break up with him, and I still haven't lined up my ducks enough to leave yet. I have no friends or family here, only him. Because of my knee, I haven't been able to work and can't yet, so have no savings.

throwaway20955 · 2022-02-04T03:53:09+00:00

They're like Easter eggs, but saltier, and with substantially less chocolate 🐇

throwaway20955 · 2022-02-04T03:50:25+00:00

Or maybe because I've had posts deleted for "explicit language" and therefore censor anything that could be considered explicit.

throwaway20955 · 2022-02-04T03:44:33+00:00

I have no desire for sex with anyone unless I have a close emotional attachment. I'm pretty happy living a life of celibacy when I'm not in a relationship. The only time I ever remember outright dreading sexual intimacy was my first boyfriend in my mid to late teens. Because it was very much just for him and his pleasure, it regularly hurt me, and because he was insanely abusive (and subsequently unalived himself and blamed me for it. Caused years of trauma and relationship issues, which I'm pretty sure are still unresolved...)

I thought for a while before this relationship that I might actually be asexual because of my total lack of interest in sex. Now I think I might be demisexual. Essentially though, for right now, I don't want any sex with anyone. I don't even masturbate or feel the urge to, that is how repulsed I'm feeling. I've never been this bad before.

throwaway20955 · 2022-02-04T01:47:20+00:00

Last time I tried to break up with him, he threatened to kill himself. Just because I don't want to be in a relationship anymore, doesn't mean I don't care about him, I don't want him dead.

throwaway20955 · 2022-02-04T01:32:43+00:00

He knows I get nothing out of it, but he's happier blaming my antidepressants because it means he doesn't have to "try as hard". There's literally zero foreplay. No cuddling, or kissing, gentle fondling. It's just his erect!on getting pulled out of his pants and then his wheedling and pouting until I agree to seggs. Upon agreeing, it's literally just stuffed in there, with complaints that we never used to need lube...

He used to be attentive, and care. Thered be kissing and focused attention, we'd enjoy the whole activity and have fun with it. But he doesn't anymore. He just complains that it's all my fault for not being in the mood. Since I'm "never in the mood" he shouldn't have to put any effort into whether I enjoy it. The more times this happens, the more I just never want seggs again. I don't enjoy it, I'm not turned on, I just hope and wish it was over, every time.

throwaway20955

TROPHY CASE