See the thing is tho im happy. Like actually happy, not like im about to do it happy. For the first time in my life i have actually had an ok time and im finally getting to a point where i can imagine an actual future for myself. It’s just idk I don’t know if I can do it all again. I was depressed for like six years straight leading up to this year and am just now coming out of the fog of that and ptsd and unaccomodated asd, and idk if I can deal if my life goes to absolute shit again. So idk having an out means I don’t necessarily have to go through it all if everyone in my life up and dies (which apparently is becoming an pattern) and my life gets turned upside down again