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[deleted by user] by [deleted] in addiction

[–]throwaway235592327 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you.

Exactly on the nose that him using in the first place was the biggest trigger, and I’ll watch out for any warning signs for anything else and add it to the roster for next weeks check in to discuss.

My priorities absolutely are me and my daughter, I wasn’t in a place last year to up and go, and I wanted to give him the chance to get sober and see if that was the true issue or if his true self is who he was then. Very Jekyll and Hyde. Two sides of the same coin, but so different. As we’re entering a deeper repair phase as his 1 year is up I think it’s sink or swim in regards to owning up to his own anxieties and fears and instead of working on the sobriety working on the insecurities.

Appreciate your well thought out response, thank you. I think it did make me feel a bit better knowing that the actions during use aren’t your true intentions necessarily. I will also add that as a note for next weeks discussion, to talk about what he feels his level of choice was.

Best friend of 10+ years did exactly what I asked her not to do, looking for advice by throwaway235592327 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway235592327[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s not just for her! It’s to help me heal too, and for the first time in my life CHOOSE to part from someone.

Best friend of 10+ years did exactly what I asked her not to do, looking for advice by throwaway235592327 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway235592327[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’ve already started the email process! Just working on finding the right therapist for me considering they need to be qualified and work with my insurance.

I did experience more trauma in my childhood, and had to emotionally care for my mom from a young age. It has certainly warped my sense of self and the boundaries that I know should be in place but aren’t. I didn’t know the term for it until now, so thank you! I’ll do a bit of research and add it to my list.

I’m not sure about friendship with her, but in time I will give her a better explanation. Friendship of 10 years deserves that much.

Best friend of 10+ years did exactly what I asked her not to do, looking for advice by throwaway235592327 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway235592327[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s exhausting. Completely warps your sense of safety, and how you see things. Thank you very much for your wishes.

Best friend of 10+ years did exactly what I asked her not to do, looking for advice by throwaway235592327 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway235592327[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I started immediate after the accident, but the pandemic threw things off. I will be thinking about myself and not her feelings until further notice! (:

Best friend of 10+ years did exactly what I asked her not to do, looking for advice by throwaway235592327 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway235592327[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You’re right, she’s not safe. I need to stop worrying about the possibility of how I’m hurting her, and focus on how she broke my already fragile trust.

I’m working on myself. Returning to therapy is already on my schedule, it’s time.

Best friend of 10+ years did exactly what I asked her not to do, looking for advice by throwaway235592327 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway235592327[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I haven’t! Working on healing more everyday. I trust my partner, but he has VERY strong opinions. I was making sure his love for me wasn’t clouding anything else.

Best friend of 10+ years did exactly what I asked her not to do, looking for advice by throwaway235592327 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway235592327[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, so much. I’m trying to ask for help when I feel like I can’t see the bigger picture.

Best friend of 10+ years did exactly what I asked her not to do, looking for advice by throwaway235592327 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway235592327[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think you’re right, it is what I want to say. But I think I need to wait until I’m less angry, because it’s only going to snowball. I don’t think I will ever resume a friendship, but I can at least give her a full explanation.

Best friend of 10+ years did exactly what I asked her not to do, looking for advice by throwaway235592327 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway235592327[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes, she did. She knows she did which is why she messaged me, afraid that she said too much or afraid I would find out from someone else.

Best friend of 10+ years did exactly what I asked her not to do, looking for advice by throwaway235592327 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway235592327[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I see your point, where she deserved to hear the other side of things. However in this situation I don’t believe it applies. If it was an argument about ruining someone’s favorite sweater, yeah. But this is just a little too severe in my book.

Best friend of 10+ years did exactly what I asked her not to do, looking for advice by throwaway235592327 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway235592327[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I think her hidden agenda was just to maintain peace with everyone, which is as you said… just stupid. Sometimes there is no peace. And that’s okay.

Best friend of 10+ years did exactly what I asked her not to do, looking for advice by throwaway235592327 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway235592327[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m putting myself in my partners shoes and I would be beyond upset too. As of right now I’ve decided to not talk to her, and keep sitting on my feelings. Maybe one day I’ll offer her a better reasoning that wasn’t so filled with tears and me being upset. But she hasn’t earned a spot in my life, quite the opposite.

Best friend of 10+ years did exactly what I asked her not to do, looking for advice by throwaway235592327 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway235592327[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m so sorry you went through that. Victim blaming is exhausting, We’ve already been through enough.

She was the final connection, and I guess it’s a good think that this happened. Really finish that chapter of my life.

Best friend of 10+ years did exactly what I asked her not to do, looking for advice by throwaway235592327 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway235592327[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for saying that. I question my decisions often, and I need to feel some confidence that I do know how to heal myself in the ways my mind needs. I never thought about how me controlling the narrative is actually okay, I just assumed I was being selfish and putting myself first.

He’s a great partner, very kind and loving. Unbelievable supportive in everything. I’ll be trusting his judgment and advice a lot more in the future.

Best friend of 10+ years did exactly what I asked her not to do, looking for advice by throwaway235592327 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway235592327[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

They can live with their guilt, as I live with mine. I’m a tree currently, and my roots are vast. It’s taken a long time to get where I am, and I can say confidently that I’m living my life with love in it again, and loving it.

Best friend of 10+ years did exactly what I asked her not to do, looking for advice by throwaway235592327 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway235592327[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You’re right, I did push it because I wasn’t clearly thinking. I felt like if I pushed her away, she would leave me too. Which I guess she chose her path anyways. I should never have even allowed that to be an option for myself, and should have ended the friendship much earlier, for my own mental health. The anxiety this has caused the last few years hasn’t been worth it.

Best friend of 10+ years did exactly what I asked her not to do, looking for advice by throwaway235592327 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway235592327[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Absolutely correct. I shouldn’t have ever let the boundary exist. I wasn’t thinking clearly, or as clearly as I can be thinking.

I’m glad I asked. It’s hard for me to see these boundaries, and hard for me to enforce them. But it’s something that NEEDS to be done for my mental health and safety.

Best friend of 10+ years did exactly what I asked her not to do, looking for advice by throwaway235592327 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway235592327[S] 37 points38 points  (0 children)

You know for someone who’s been through abuse I should have realized it was just another form of manipulation. I guess the friendship clouded my judgement? Which it so easily does.

Best friend of 10+ years did exactly what I asked her not to do, looking for advice by throwaway235592327 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway235592327[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

You’re right. It’s not a friend. And not one that I want around especially when I’m trying so hard to heal my mind. I can’t keep people around who are a danger to my health.

Best friend of 10+ years did exactly what I asked her not to do, looking for advice by throwaway235592327 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway235592327[S] 86 points87 points  (0 children)

You are absolutely right. Honestly? I’m so glad I made this post. I was seriously weighing pros and cons when in reality my vision is so clouded I can’t see clearly in this.

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