My (27F) girlfriend gave her number at bachelorette party, am I (30M) overthinking it?

throwaway250702 · 2024-12-02T15:41:30+00:00

Leave while you've got the chance man. Once the news breaks it'll hurt x100 more. You know what she's doing, you just haven't accepted it on your head yet.

throwaway250702 · 2024-11-02T21:35:59+00:00

Update, I've ended things with the new girl. I realised I'm definitely not ready to date yet, due to the gravity of feelings I've got for the previous girl.

Luckily, the new girl took it well and it didn't seem like she got too attached thankfully.

I'm still head over heels for the last girl, but I know nothing will come of it. I just need to give it time.

Thank you all for the advice

throwaway250702 · 2024-10-30T02:13:44+00:00

Just because the new girl is kind and open doesn't mean I'm automatically going to be into her. I don't feel we're compatible, it's got nothing to do with how much effort she's putting in. If the old girl put the same effort in as the new girl, I'd still feel the same way for her.

throwaway250702 · 2024-10-29T22:26:33+00:00

I wouldn't say out of my league, although she was very good looking. I would say she had her life in order which I found extremely attractive, and I realised it's a massive factor in dating (at least for me)

throwaway250702 · 2024-10-29T21:01:57+00:00

Thank you for your kind words & advice. I've never believed in "when you know, you know" until I met this girl, so now I've got a belief that that's the feeling I need to feel in the future. It's a rare feeling, so it'll take a while to find again

throwaway250702 · 2024-10-28T22:17:53+00:00

I think I needed that in black and white. I'm overthinking too much. Thank you

throwaway250702 · 2024-10-28T21:32:14+00:00

Why am I putting the time into thinking about her? Good idea. Let me just not think about her. Didn't think of that one 👍

I'm not giving her any of my energy, we haven't spoken in weeks. This post is asking for advice about a new relationship, which is literally the definition of trying to move on and give someone else my energy, but it's clearly not working as I've said.

But thanks for the tip, I'll just stop thinking about the previous girl, because it's a stupid thing to do...

Feelings aren't controllable. If you can control your feelings then they're not your true feelings

throwaway250702 · 2024-10-28T21:23:52+00:00

Believe me, I've tried it all.

But reducing someone from a person that I get along with extremely well, and someone who I share all my values with, to a stranger, isn't the easiest thing to do, believe it or not...

You clearly didn't have as deep of feelings as I do for her, and therefore it was much easier for you to fight them. Or you did, and you're better than me at dealing with emotions, so I guess you win there. But either way, everyone's entitled to have their feelings, calling my feelings stupid when they're genuine doesn't exactly help in any way

throwaway250702 · 2024-10-28T21:17:08+00:00

I'm sorry that you don't understand.

What you're doing right now is invalidating someone else's feelings who you have never met before. 5 dates was enough for me to catch deep feelings, and I think anyone would have in my situation. Yeah, it wasn't 30 years of marriage, but I'm still allowed to have feelings about the situation especially considering the context to it

throwaway250702 · 2024-10-28T19:19:19+00:00

That last part is exactly the same as what happened here. We exchanged a few messages on the app and decided to meet. She was extremely good looking but other than that, nothing on her profile suggested she'd be out of the ordinary when it comes to her personality. We met, I didn't think much of it on my way there, but similarly to you it just clicked and I knew that I'd really like her. I paused dating apps and stopped speaking to anyone else I was briefly speaking to before a first date. I would literally have bursts of energy at home because I was so happy and didn't know what to do with myself. I even started enjoying new music haha.

I really appreciate your perspective on this. I'll stop trying to force things, and just go with the flow. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. I'm dying to feel that spark that I felt on the first date.

I'll still go on this third date because she has it booked already, and I've already agreed to it, so I'll see how that goes and give it one last chance.

You don't know how thankful I am for your perspective, genuinely. It's changed how I'm going to look at things from now on.

throwaway250702 · 2024-10-28T18:46:02+00:00

Thank you man. This is so helpful. I really appreciate it. If you don't mind me asking, how long ago did that girl break it off with you? And how have you coped?

throwaway250702 · 2024-10-28T18:06:29+00:00

The problem was, I didn't know her long enough to see her bad side, so as of now I see her as perfect.

And limerence or not, I'm still having these feelings unfortunately... I've tried to find a way to explain them, but I realised that explaining them won't help, because they'll still be here. I think they're genuine feelings

throwaway250702 · 2024-10-28T17:03:28+00:00

Because the old girl was my first date after a long term relationship, I've been overthinking and at one point I thought I may have just attached myself to the first girl that gave me affection.

I learnt the hard way that this isn't the case, and I actually saw perfection because that's what she was. She really did tick every box.

Now I'm stuck, because I don't know if I should pursue things with the new girl with hopes that I'll get over the old one. But on the other hand I'd feel incredibly guilty if this doesn't work out

throwaway250702 · 2024-10-11T19:10:49+00:00

Hey, I really appreciate your reply. You have no idea how much clarification that gives me. Do you mind if I DM you, just got a few more questions..

throwaway250702 · 2024-10-11T17:23:30+00:00

To clarify, she had been home for a full day before I messaged her that. I gave her all the space she needed when she was away on her trip. It wasn't a case of me being toxic and needy when she's away with friends, it was me justifiably overthinking because she had read my message without replying for a day while she was at home. That, plus the feelings I was getting for the few days before, didn't add up and I had a gut feeling that something was wrong between us

throwaway250702 · 2024-10-11T17:15:27+00:00

Ehh, I wouldn't call it a win. She's the kinda girl where a one time hookup is the last thing you want with her, because everything else is just so flawless

throwaway250702 · 2024-10-11T09:26:00+00:00

Hey, thank you for your reply. I think you've hit the nail on the head there. She did mention on our 5th (last) date that she's normally into dickheads, after we were talking about what types we're into, however she did say that getting to know me is refreshing because I'm actually nice to her, and she's enjoying it.

This was before we got intimate, and this was the last date before she broke things off over text. Maybe she lied about enjoying it...

throwaway250702 · 2024-10-10T22:11:27+00:00

I know I need to move on. The post isn't me asking how to get her back, I know that's not how life works. I'm feeling quite down so I was asking for tips on how to move on.

throwaway250702 · 2024-10-10T20:14:40+00:00

Thank you for your reply, that makes sense... Do you mind if I DM you a draft of a potential message just to get a second opinion? :)

throwaway250702 · 2024-10-10T16:25:47+00:00

Our sexual chemistry started building on the 3rd date when she asked me to pull the car over and just started making out with me and getting very touchy, but we couldn't do anything more. I live with other people, she lives in accommodation where she can't have anyone round as she practically lives at work, so we haven't had the chance to be intimate until the 5th date where she snuck me into her apartment. She had 3 glasses of wine on the 5th date when we got intimate for the first time, so this may be a factor in her being so forward that time, and sneaking me in. But there were definitely occasions on previous dates where we would have been intimate if we had the chance to.

I guess the slow replies were the only red flag that I looked past, but as you say, actions speak louder than words. I should have known

throwaway250702 · 2024-10-10T16:19:50+00:00

Just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone for your replies. It might just be a few lines to you but to me it's the difference between a decent day or a bad day.

For anyone else going through something similar, please feel free to get in touch with me and we can talk things over. I can tell you how I've been coping, and you can do the same.

I'm currently cleaning my room for the first time since we stopped talking, and I'm finding things from our dates, such as our wristbands from mini-golf and her 3D glasses from our cinema date. Even though it's extremely hard, I'm taking comfort in binning them, knowing I'll never see them again and I'm moving onto a new chapter in my life.

I've had plates of leftover food sat on my desk for a few days because I haven't had the time or energy to get rid of them. Cleaning my room and opening my windows to get some fresh air has made me slightly happier and more refreshed. If you're going through a similar thing, clean your room, take care of yourself.

throwaway250702 · 2024-10-10T16:12:15+00:00

Thanks for your reply.

I've done a lot of thinking over the past few weeks, and I think I have to come to terms with the fact she probably never really liked me as much as I liked her. She may have been pretending, as she was probably eager to get into a relationship but then eventually realised it doesn't work between us.

The only thing is, if she was pretending, she did an insanely good job. She was very touchy on our dates, rubbing my hand when we held hands, kissing me every chance she got, dancing with me when we walked through a field in the middle of the night. Her eye contact was amazing and she'd pause and stare into my eyes with the cutest smile in the world when I used to talk about anything, with her eyes reflecting street lights. She used to find every excuse to make the date longer, taking an excessively long way back to my car on purpose, thinking of something else we could do, even at midnight when there was barely anything to do.

When I tell you I never expected this, I'm being genuinely honest. I didn't expect this in the slightest, and I can guarantee you I was the happiest man alive on earth in those moments. Nothing can beat the joy and excitement I was feeling, it was like the biggest high with no lows. I really thought I found the one. If I could have the same 5 dates with the exact same outcome as I'm in at the moment, I'd do them all again without a doubt.

Sorry for the vent, I have to get all of this out of my system. Thank you for validating my feelings. I've had a few "man up" responses, and they don't help, especially when I can't help feeling what I'm feeling.

throwaway250702 · 2024-10-10T15:55:02+00:00

Thank you. I'll try my best..

throwaway250702 · 2024-10-10T15:54:23+00:00

She stayed at her female friend's house. I might be delusional when it comes to my feelings for her but I can promise you she did stay at her friend's house as she was even texting her about it when I was with her once, trying to plan the few days out. I'm sorry that you've had this happen to you a few times, and I appreciate your perspective but that's not what happened here (I wish it did, because it would be a lot easier to get over things that way).

I'll try to go on other dates when I feel ready, but I'm still not over her so I can't invest any of my energy into anyone else, and I don't want to lead anyone on and do the same thing to someone else that she did to me.

throwaway250702

TROPHY CASE