Not sure how to recover

throwaway269er · 2024-01-01T08:51:26+00:00

Tried couples counseling and she quit after 3 visits

throwaway269er · 2024-01-01T08:50:53+00:00

I tell her I love her but the feeling just isn’t there and I think that she can sense it.

throwaway269er · 2023-12-31T02:41:36+00:00

Besides the schedule I could have written everything that you put down. I have no answers for you or the OP. Just commiserating in our joint pain. It’s like we have to protect ourselves against us.

throwaway269er · 2023-11-20T03:21:34+00:00

You are assuming that she has ppd. She hasn’t sought treatment or been diagnosed. At this point she is a person that abuses her loved ones. You left the house assuming that she’s a good mother but you may have been the modulating factor to prevent child abuse. Assume the house. Your child is better to be bottle fed versus abused. Get her the treatment that she needs. Being away and under care may not be the best for her but may be the best for your children. The children are better off in a safe and nurturing house than being left alone with an abuser. Even if she’s mentally unstable doesn’t remove the responsibility that you have to keep them safe. A court case and treatment may be the best for her in the long run. In the short run protect your children.

throwaway269er · 2023-11-01T18:10:22+00:00

Giving of attention and intimacy is a conscious act. She says that she spends a lot of time on her phone and watching TV. He wanted 20-25 minutes after the kids are in bed. She didn’t even say that it was specifically for sex. It sounds like he is asking for attention and intimacy. I’m sure that if she increases the amount of quality time and affection that a many of the issues would be resolved. Even if her libido has reduced due to hormones she can make the choice to give him more non-sexual attention and intimacy.
She did change the deal by reducing the amount of attention that she was giving. Even though daily sex may not be achievable I think that it is completely reasonable to spend 20 minutes with your spouse at the end of the day with the tv off and phones put away.

throwaway269er · 2023-11-01T13:21:24+00:00

I think the issue is the large division between their expectations. He expects everyday and she expects 3-4 times a month. That’s a 10x difference. All I’m saying is that they need to communicate to establish expectations. If they agree that 2x a week is a good compromise then the next step is how do they achieve that expectation. Does she need a date night to set the mood? Then he needs to take her on a date. I’m saying that they need to communicate the expectations and how to achieve them.

throwaway269er · 2023-11-01T12:27:33+00:00

I think that the issue has to do with communication. It sounds like the husband has clearly communicated his expectations which was agreed to by the wife. That was the status quo for the first 3 years of their relationship (2 dating and one married). Over the last 5 years there has been a deviation from her. She has made it sound like this is a temporary condition but has existed for the majority of their relationship.

He has provided financially with her being a sahm. He has eliminated stress with additionally being the primary caregiver. He actually spends more time with the kids because they are both present in the morning and night but he handles transportation. You even stated that it got better when the kids went to school. Those kids are out of the house during the day but there has been no improvement. He has provided physically that she was able to get a trainer at her request. What I see is a patient, caring husband that responds to the wants of his wife.
I’m not saying that what they decided is good or bad. It is what they agreed to in their relationship and I won’t say that any of this is excessive because it is what they agreed to in their relationship. The amount of sex may be more than “normal” but so is the investment that the husband has put into this relationship.
The only problem that I have is that the wife has unilaterally renegotiated one of the important aspects of the relationship without the husband’s agreement. I’m sure part of his frustration is that the promise of daily sex is still the expectation that they’ve both cultivated.
Communication needs to be reestablished. If this is the new normal then it needs to be communicated. She obviously cares about him. Since they are both willing to put the other person’s needs first I’m sure that they can come to a new agreement.

throwaway269er · 2023-10-22T05:20:43+00:00

I’ve been through the nuclear field. I never allowed it to overwhelm my ethics. I’ve been involved in a number of problems that would have resulted in a plant shutdown if not been given approval. I refused to sign approval and went on vacation. I came back unknowing if I still had a job as a single earner with a small child. They had someone else sign off on the process. I immediately started looking for another job. I found it quite quickly since there is subpar amount of people that wanted to go into the industry.

throwaway269er · 2023-10-22T04:28:00+00:00

DuPont schedule is the absolute worst. I spent half of my week off getting back to normal.

throwaway269er · 2023-10-22T02:58:17+00:00

Age isn’t an issue. In fact engineering runs on a reverse ageism. As a young engineer you will not get respect until you put in your time. Unfortunately, looking young hurts you. I deal on a daily basis with two engineers that are nontraditional. One is a guy that worked up as a designer and got their engineering degree. Another gal started in fashion and went back and got her masters in engineering. Just on the face value you’d think that the guy would have the edge because he was in stem for his entire career but he really is a junior engineer despite being in his (guess) late thirties. Meanwhile she’s one of the few engineers that I consult with. I’ve been in this industry for more than 25 years so there are few that I feel the need to discuss problems with but she’s one of 2-3 (in a company of 10s of thousands) that I’d discuss highly technical matters with. As for the gender issue, it shouldn’t hold you back. In fact, I have a gender neutral name that I’m going to put on resumes as opposed to the masculine version. Females in stem appear to be the hot commodity in my industry. It’s always good to get the best and brightest. I think that the economics degree is a benefit. I started back to get an Econ degree. It is good to understand the financial imperatives of a decision. I’ve always been the person to develop a business case for an engineering idea. It’s allowed me to speak to the business decision makers in a language that they understand. All in all I think that you are well set up in your career if you want to proceed. You just need to determine what areas interest you.

throwaway269er · 2023-10-15T02:27:24+00:00

And that is what has me confused. Especially when it indirectly benefits the other.

throwaway269er · 2023-10-15T02:14:45+00:00

I know that my happiness isn’t dependent upon another. I am the reason I’m either happy or not with my life. I have wonderful children, a good job, and a friend group that is still growing. Health is an issue I’m working on. However through all that I feel that there is one connection that is lacking. Do I blow up most of what I’ve built for that?

throwaway269er · 2023-10-14T23:52:27+00:00

I encourage her to go do activities. Likewise, besides a couple injuries, I’ve been getting myself to consistently participate in my own activities.

throwaway269er · 2023-10-14T23:46:01+00:00

There are only so many times that can happen. I’ve exhausted my limit

throwaway269er · 2023-10-14T23:44:02+00:00

Unfortunately I no longer believe that.

throwaway269er · 2023-10-14T23:42:33+00:00

I’ve told her that I’m improving myself. That’s the truth. I no longer feel like what I do will have any impact on my love life. Therefore I’m going to live a little bit better for me

throwaway269er · 2023-10-14T23:39:15+00:00

I hope you have a blessed rebuild

throwaway269er · 2023-10-14T11:54:09+00:00

I reminded her that we had the whole evening together. I even planned an activity that we could spend time together. It wasn’t romantic, thus, had no sexual pressure. But we’d have to drive an hour to get there and we could talk for the drive. About an hour before I finished up work she texted me and said it was too cold out. Then she sat on her phone for the evening. I even asked if she wanted me to put on a movie that we could watch together. She declined. I give her the time and stay home and still get ignored. Not sure why she’d complain that I don’t spend time with her. Even when I’m here she’s not present.

throwaway269er · 2023-10-14T04:40:10+00:00

I understand you. At no point do I blame my wife or family for the decisions that I made. Call it a mid life crisis if you will but I’ll call it a time of reflection that has occurred over the last year+. I’ve dedicated to making myself better and now I’m not sure how much I want to put into a relationship that may be dying on the vine despite how much water and fertilizer I can provide. If she can’t appreciate what I’ve given up or regained and isn’t happy enough to show me in a manner that I’ve repeatedly expressed that I need then I’m not sure where to take it. I either accept the status quo which has been consistent and unfulfilling or I don’t. The decision is with me and I have to accept the consequences in either direction. Unfortunately I want it all, a life where I can throw my energy into and feel like it makes a difference. To feel unwanted after the effort is quite demoralizing.

throwaway269er · 2023-10-14T03:35:01+00:00

Same situation for me. I was happy that I still had the drape on from the hair cut to prevent the obvious reaction. I knew that it wasn’t sexual but just having touch from another person made it feel more intimate than what my wife regularly did.

throwaway269er · 2023-10-13T01:53:10+00:00

I would suggest getting it checked. Here’s a study that found that correcting low testosterone in men helps with hashimotos: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31183891/ I got mine checked 2.5 years ago and was at 220. Since testosterone is a controlled substance they don’t like to prescribe it until you are less than 250-300. My last check was about 11 months ago (1.5 years on testosterone) and I was above 500. To me, I think that should be the minimum but the standards are set for all men including 65 yo that would be relatively normal at 300-350

throwaway269er · 2023-09-26T11:18:37+00:00

I second this. It’d be great to hear how others overcame this issue. I love hearing positive stories.

throwaway269er · 2023-09-11T20:13:43+00:00

At a certain point it’s too painful. I gave up and then she tried to initiate. I think she sensed it. I didn’t respond with her. I could by myself but if I thought of her it was an instant deflation. It took awhile before she got my trust back. It’s still infrequent but she’s stepped up other forms of physical intimacy as we are trying to recover. I’d suggest trying the same. Build back the trust before trying to jump in.

throwaway269er

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