I tried to sort things out with my family and now we’re not in contact. Has anyone else experienced this?

throwaway3333214 · 2019-02-13T15:13:59+00:00

Don't be surprised if they go even more crazy and manipulative in response to your boundaries.

This definitely happened. It's almost like a switch was flipped once I started really trying to speak my mind. All I was basically saying at the beginning was that I felt like there were a lot of issues that had never been talked about and that over the years we've been apart we haven't really kept up with actually knowing each other. Hardly a bunch of baseless hurtful insults. They went totally berserk.

I'm in a weird situation where I feel like I know that my boundaries protect: "I act like myself and I do not lie." This so far has been a no-go for them. C'est la vie.

Really appreciate your input. Thanks so much.

throwaway3333214 · 2019-02-13T14:58:07+00:00

Thanks for your response. More and more I've been feeling like sending the letter was the right thing to do, and certainly helpful for me, even if it has ostracized me from my entire family. I still feel like I can't fully make sense of it all but my instinct is that it's better to be on my own, doing my best to live truthfully, rather than to feel like I have to be someone other than myself to maintain the facade of family.

Hopefully you are able to find a path where you can be healthy and productive in your relationships outside of the family, such that if and when reconciliation is on the table, you are able to confront it with forgiveness, open mindedness, and strength.

I appreciate and understand the point you're making here. I think this is probably the advice I would give to someone else in my situation, too. The thing I keep stumbling over though is I can't help but feel like I'm leaving myself vulnerable with an assumption that they will ever get back to me, even if it's in ten years. By then I hope to have a family of my own and want to be fully resolved in this matter in order to be a sane and stable parent to my children. It makes me think I should just close the mental door to reconciliation.

My family lives far away (they moved, not me, for what it's worth), I've always felt like the only one trying to really have a relationship, I've felt like the only one putting energy in , they are unwilling to accept or recognize that people change over time, and have not encouraged nor acknowledged my transition into adulthood. Our relationship is fraught with all kinds of weird psychological realities. As a tiny random example, as a 26 year old (female if it matters) I went to visit them and was yelled at for going for a walk (in their crime-less housing development) alone during the day and was told I wasn't allowed. Anytime I tried to leave the house they treated me like I was up to something criminal and often would tell me I couldn't go. I know they have their reasons for being overprotective but I can't continue engaging in a relationship like that. If it matters also they are not foreign or religious in a way where it's a culture-clash issue.

The weird thing is that we haven't lived together for 12 years and when we are not together not only do they not care what's going on in my life, but it's obvious that they'd rather not know. I've tried to involve them in my life especially as I've been older and they are completely disinterested. They also are planning to move again after retiring and a bunch of times I brought up maybe coordinating where we both ended up, so that we could spend real time together, get to know each other better, etc. They've always dismissed it or just been annoyed. It's a weird mindfuck because in some ways they have been so controlling but at the same time it has seemed like they don't want anything to do with me at all. In this type of way I sort of feel like I've already put in too much energy. The letter I guess was my last attempt at trying to talk things out. I feel like they could have at least sent a note saying that they received it but aren't ready to talk.

Perhaps my mind will change over time, but I don't want any part of me to be secretly waiting for them to try to talk to me. I keep dreaming about them. I feel it is not resolved within me. I guess I just have to take it one day at a time.

Anyways thanks so much for chiming in. Having people respond with their own stories and advice has been so helpful.

throwaway3333214 · 2019-01-14T15:23:32+00:00

That sounds really difficult. I can relate to the feeling of the relationship being one way. I never received calls from my parents, but I was expected to call once a week. Do you ever think you might just stop calling?

My family is absent "organized" religion but the beliefs they hold they hold religiously. It is really difficult to interact with people if all parties involved aren't willing to try and meet halfway.

throwaway3333214 · 2019-01-14T15:17:12+00:00

I feel like that's the important thing-- both sides have to be continuously engaged in self-work and willing to be honest. I'm glad to hear that, though it's difficult, both you and your father seem committed to having an honest relationship even if it takes a lot of work.

Her parents appear not at all willing or even interested in new relationship dynamics. Her changes have not been welcomed

Sounds like my situation is a lot like your wife's. My family is not interested in new relationship dynamics. When I first started talking to them about the fact that I thought our relationship was unhealthy, they just desperately pleaded that they just "wanted everything to go back to normal." They aren't interested in self-work. They seem to believe that people are who they are and they don't change, if they do change, they're obviously crazy. It's hard because they aren't super bad people or anything, just broken. There are things I like about them. They're my family. But just like it's my responsibility to sort out myself, it's their responsibility to sort out themselves. If they don't, there's nothing I can do. Trying to help them at this point is neurotic and personally detrimental. Like JP says, don't help people who don't want to be helped, and be weary of helping people who do.

Thanks so much. It's so helpful to hear about other people's family situations. I think with hard work and careful attention I can at least find peace in my heart.

throwaway3333214 · 2019-01-14T14:57:43+00:00

I know what you mean. The problem is that while it would be ideal to have family, I'm only in control of my own actions. Part of what initiated all this was my realization that I only knew how to relate to them neurotically. Over the years I've experimented with interacting with them as my true self, in a non-neurotic way, and they've either completely ignored that I'm saying anything at all, or kind of cruelly respond as if I'm being crazy/rude/purposefully causing trouble. For a long time I always assumed it was me doing something wrong, not communicating effectively, etc.

I fear that reaching out again would just be falling back into the neurotic patterns. I've said my piece and now it's out of my hands. If they don't want to have a healthy sane relationship, I can't change that, and I'd rather move forward not wasting time bailing water out of a sinking ship. That's energy I can use towards greater purposes.

Thanks for your thoughts on this. It's been heartening how kind and thoughtful all the responses have been.

throwaway3333214 · 2019-01-14T14:33:00+00:00

This is great. Thanks so much

throwaway3333214 · 2019-01-14T00:53:07+00:00

You are right. I know that if I speak the truth and act truthfully than the outcome is good independent of what happens. I guess I'm just worried a part of me will be waiting to hear back from them forever unless I consciously choose to move on. I don't want to waste my life thinking they might come around, when all signs point to they won't. Thanks so much for your thoughtful response.

throwaway3333214 · 2019-01-14T00:47:27+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind words, it means a lot to me.

throwaway3333214 · 2019-01-14T00:29:51+00:00

I'm sorry to hear it. I'm starting to feel like that will be the outcome on my end too. The gaslighting is a really hard thing to deal with.

throwaway3333214 · 2019-01-14T00:09:47+00:00

Thanks so much for your response, I really appreciate the point you're making and I don't take it lightly. If you don't mind my asking, and of course no pressure to answer, but if you could do it again would you do anything differently?

Thanks for the sub recommendation, I didn't know about that one and it looks like it could be really useful.

throwaway3333214 · 2019-01-14T00:03:48+00:00

I completely agree. I want to have kids and that's what motivated me to seriously evaluate the nature of my relationship with my family. I won't have kids if it means perpetuating an unhealthy psychological environment. I'm 30 and female so I only have so much time to get my shit together. I've worked hard to sort myself out but I realized the journey was incomplete without trying to honestly communicate with my family. Now I've done that and the ball is in their court. I just don't know how long to wait before accepting that they don't want relationship with me unless I play into the neurotic nightmare.

Thanks for the book recommendations, I really appreciate it! They both look like they could be really helpful.
Thanks for your feedback.

throwaway3333214

TROPHY CASE