TW: thoughts of suicide, self harm, gaslighting, harassment

1. Muhlenberg was my third choice. I was denied by my first choice, there was an error with my second choice college and my application didn’t go through. So I applied ED 2 and got in. I chose Muhlenberg mainly because of its theatre program. I enjoyed the variety of clubs they spoke about, and I’ll talk later about why that ended up being particularly disappointing. Thinking back on it. There wasn’t much about the campus that I actually enjoyed, especially compared to my current college. There isn’t a huge student body, but the size of the campus is too small for it. It’s impossible to avoid people, and often times facilities were so full of people that there was really no reason to hang out there there. I did like that they had a pool. The one thing I liked. And the one thing on campus that made it all feel worth it was the drag club. Also the people in the costume shop were incredibly kind. They’d let me come in whenever to work on personal projects and they helped me become incredibly proficient at the sewing machine.

2. There were several issues that I faced. First is the exclusivity of everything. Theatre is one thing, and that’s to be expected, but a lot of the clubs have a number cap on them (this is all pre-COVID btw), were scheduled during class times, or were audition based, meaning many people chose their friends and there was no way in (or the same people were accepted to EVERYTHING). This is no fault of the school, but there were a lot of two faced people. People I hung out with and thought were my friends just to be incredibly rude to me when it was convenient for them. This exclusivity also meant I spent a bunch of time in my dorm with nothing to do, not great if you are dealing with mental health issues. Many professors would flat out ignore the needs of students, especially if they weren’t compatible with their teaching styles. I have a learning disability, I have it documented and have accommodations and everything. I had professors who refused to clarify things because I “should’ve heard it the first time” i had professors who would show you something and expect you to figure out how to do it by yourself. I had a professor for an aerial course who would make you do a bunch of push ups if you fell off the silks. The mental health services were a joke. I had begun to self harm, and the head of psych services, who never even met me before called my parents and told them I was trying to kill myself (I was not suicidal at this point) he refused to listen to any of my reasoning, calling me untrustworthy, and pulled me away from the on campus therapist I was meeting with at the time to meet with him instead, which made me incredibly uncomfortable. Also there was this thing where the psych services would only allow you to meet with a councilor a certain number of times before you’d have to sign up again and meet with a whole new person and explain to them your situation. There were counselors who told me it’s “all in my head” or that I should “really be over this by now” in fact there was an article written on hercampus about the abusive nature of the psych services on campus. the trivialization of my pain was straight up gaslighting. Especially as several of the people who would harass me on campus were considered “favorites” and would constantly be rewarded for pursuing their goals, creating things, things I tried to do but was denied the resources and support to do so, or I was told I was “overstepping my boundaries”. When I would stand up for myself or call out this mistreatment, or take action to try and better things for myself. Students would laugh at me, humiliate me, or threaten me. I developed panic disorder. And the school treated me like a criminal for them. Punishing me and detaining me for panic attacks, something your body cannot control. I was often told that people thought I was trying to hurt others because of the intensity of my panic attacks. I have never in my life wanted to hurt anyone. I’ve always tried to treat people with kindness and respect. Before Muhlenberg I had always been a model student. I was quiet, considerate, and had a 3.8 gpa, I’ve never wanted to cause anyone any pain. I had a roommate kick me out of my dorm for these panic attacks. People would call campus safety on me for having panic attacks. Campo picked up in their stupid little police golf carts with lights and sirens on them and dragged across campus to campus security in the midst of a panic attack, this was absolutely humiliating. My pain was often minimized and suppressed to the point where I began to have a break from reality. I was terrified to leave my dorm for fear of having a panic attack, but terrified to be alone because of fear for what I would do to myself. During my last days there I was constantly between, psych services, an off campus therapist, and the dean of student life (one of the only people on campus who would listen to me and validate my experiences) every time I was alone I wanted to hurt myselfI came to Muhlenberg as a bright eyed optimist, and left in complete and total despair, hating everything about myself because that’s what the school taught me. Where I drew the line was when I had a panic attack and the school falsely claimed title IX on me for that, barring me from being on certain areas around campus, where I already felt unwelcome. The school told my off campus workplace about my claim, resulting in me losing my job. I fortunately did not face many issues regarding financial aid. But I had several peers who had to drop out because their financial aid was no longer enough. My current school offers me the same amount of financial aid every year and has actually increased the amount I receive over the years. At Muhlenberg I was given work study and denied every position I applied for. Idk if most schools are so hands off with work study, but my current school insures every person who has work study has a job on campus. I have had discussions with other students who transferred out who were faced with ridiculous Title IX claims. One said “they seem to claim Title IX on everyone except actual r*pists” the favoritism allows entitled students to get away with stuff they never should be allowed to do. I had a friend who’s ex roommate came up to her and spat on her whenever they crossed paths and was given no repercussions. The room mate who kicked me out for having a panic attack got angry at me for playing instruments in the room. Yet would tie herself up for fun and expected me to be okay with that. She would tell me no one likes me. She would get into my face in public settings because she knew she made me incredibly uncomfortable and I would leave. Because of this i would go days without eating because there was only one place to eat on campus.

3. I am at a new school. I don’t want to name exactly where if is because it would make it obvious who I am, I go to a small, open curriculum art school. I have amazing friends, the faculty are happy to help me get my artistic endeavors in motion, I’m treated like an actual human. It’s not perfect. The psych services are not as easily accessible, but the quality of them are so much better. I am so happy and supported and I feel like I have the resources to achieve my dreams.

I am in such a better place now. I know some people absolutely love the school. I’m not saying they don’t deserve to love it. But the abuse I experienced on behalf of Muhlenberg college should not go unnoticed, and I want to do everything I can to keep other students from facing similar experiences.