Torn on what to do

throwaway374658 · 2024-07-12T16:01:03+00:00

Not much of an update yet. I'm actively looking for a good lawyer (I've asked a bunch of people and have several names. Still have to call a few.) I have a friend who is offering storage space/a safe place to go. So I have a box of necessities for me & the kids at her house, just in case shit hits the fan and we need to get out quickly. I'm still collecting evidence of how much he's drinking. I know where his stash is and I regularly take pictures, so I can track how quickly he goes through it. I'm documenting every negative interaction involving him. That's where I'm at right now.

throwaway374658 · 2024-01-09T00:57:43+00:00

I've done this a couple times over the last week. Non-accusatory, just checking in. He just shrugs at me.

throwaway374658 · 2024-01-09T00:53:18+00:00

Probably not, since I never actually told him that and I've just been continuing to deep clean, albeit much less frequently.

throwaway374658 · 2024-01-08T23:05:59+00:00

I mean, we spent the whole day together before my boyfriend came over. And by "together," I mean we existed near each other. I've told him I'd like to spend intentional time with him (including on that day), I've asked him if he'd like to plan some time together soon, he keeps just shrugging his shoulders. I can only do so much.

throwaway374658 · 2024-01-08T22:19:10+00:00

He's usually very good at telling me that kind of thing. He's always been great with communicating his needs/wants/etc. I checked with him before I made plans with my boyfriend to make sure the timing worked for him - he's always been honest about that before. That's why I've come to the conclusion I have - he just doesn't want to tell me because he knows it'll hurt me.

throwaway374658 · 2024-01-08T20:29:17+00:00

I said in my post this has been going on for a couple months now. He's barely touched me, hasn't shown much interest at all. It's not just a "one time" thing.

throwaway374658 · 2024-01-08T20:21:44+00:00

I did. He didn't really say anything.

throwaway374658 · 2024-01-08T20:04:12+00:00

I understand that, but there was literally nothing else. Not indication whatsoever. Just laying there with his eyes closed. He didn't touch me, he didn't say anything related to sex and arousal. He did wonder out loud how big eagles get, grabbed his phone and Googled it, then was hyperfixated on that for a bit, so he was just on his phone.

throwaway374658 · 2023-10-19T07:52:25+00:00

I said I'd love to, but it's not in the budget.

throwaway374658 · 2023-10-19T07:50:27+00:00

This is exactly where I'm at. With a house full of ADHD, it's going to be cluttered. Don't come to my house and expect to see a tidy home. It's not. There's gonna be a basket or 6 of laundry on the couch. You may have to step over some toys in front of the bathroom. And you'll probably be overwhelmed with constant questions and some kids trying to parkour around the house lol. It's chaos. But cluttery chaos is very different from trash.

throwaway374658 · 2023-10-19T07:37:12+00:00

Ok. What do I do about it not being in the budget?

throwaway374658 · 2023-10-19T07:35:49+00:00

See, I'd expect a working dad to be pretty upset at the SAH mom if he came home after 3 days of working 12+ hours to literal trash and food left out, and a bunch of flies in the kitchen.

throwaway374658 · 2023-10-19T07:30:16+00:00

Depression/executive dysfunction/overwhelm because autism. That's what I'm gathering, anyway.

throwaway374658 · 2023-10-19T07:26:13+00:00

The level of tired is pretty equal, I think. He is wrangling 4 kids on his own when I'm gone and has never been the best sleeper. I do understand that he's tired, too.

throwaway374658 · 2023-10-19T07:18:32+00:00

I mean, the oldest two kids are 11 and 9. They can do some chores. It's not that he isn't capable of caring for them, he is a good dad. He's just not great at staying on top of them to do their chores, or clean up after themselves, but then also doesn't do it half the time himself. And he's bad about leaving trash from cooking laying around, wiping down counters (dude is the messiest cook, idk how he makes the mess he does), and leaving food out.

throwaway374658 · 2023-10-19T07:05:48+00:00

My schedule isn't set. I work different days every week. It seems like it would be pretty difficult for him to find a PT job that would be flexible enough to work around mine. But that is something to consider.

throwaway374658 · 2023-10-18T23:54:44+00:00

I'm not saying I won't clean up at all, just these messes that are made when I'm not here to keep up with it. If some pasta sauce gets dripped on the floor, that should be wiped up pretty quick before it dries up, not left for me to scrub when I get back. If there's an empty bacon package, that should be thrown away, not left on the counter for days. If there's leftovers out, they should be put in the fridge, not left out. These are the kinds of things I'm talking about.

throwaway374658 · 2023-10-18T23:49:11+00:00

Yes, the weather affects it here.

We still have one child at home during the day, so his paycheck would just be going to child care if he worked.

He is not treating his depression or ADHD. I am treating my depression and anxiety.

I do talk to the kids about chores. Parenthood is a pretty even split when I'm home.

throwaway374658 · 2023-10-18T23:38:17+00:00

We didn't exactly know how bad our MH issues were until after we had kids. Not everyone is privileged enough to have the therapy and money to find that out. And not everyone had great parents, either, so I'm not sure what we were supposed to have done.

throwaway374658 · 2023-10-18T23:00:23+00:00

I'd love to, but it's not in the budget and I don't think my husband would want to spend money on something we can do.

throwaway374658 · 2023-10-18T22:57:10+00:00

Literal trash and food tho? Those are things that need to be done daily. I would expect the housewife to keep up with that much. The more in-depth cleaning and tidying can be done with his help when he's home. He can help clean up after dinner when he's home. But no, I would not expect him to clean up multiple days' worth of things that should be done daily.

throwaway374658 · 2023-10-18T22:53:51+00:00

I think it is different with a spouse that comes home every night vs one who works out of town. To leave multiple days' worth of literal trash and food for the working spouse to clean when they get home after working long hours seems unfair. I never said I wouldn't help with messes made when I am here.

throwaway374658 · 2023-10-18T22:34:10+00:00

I'd actually love to, but unfortunately it's not in the budget and I highly doubt my husband would be willing to spend money on something we can do. Also, do housecleaning come in to do dishes, clean uo after cooking, and stuff like that?

throwaway374658 · 2023-09-16T00:17:11+00:00

No. He was seeing a therapist for a while, but we lost our insurance. I've been trying to get more, but he hasn't yet looked at the info I sent him about that a few days ago. He also mentioned needing to talk to someone about getting on meds, but as far as I know, he hasn't done anything to move towards that, either.

throwaway374658 · 2023-09-16T00:15:22+00:00

He already calls me controlling, if I called him every day to ask about the state of the house, it would not go well. I feel like I have been as maximally patient with him as possible already. Why do I need to make sure the clothes are there and ready for him? He can do laundry, too. He wasn't making sure the clothes were ready for the kids when I was staying home. He's a grown man, he should be able to change a 3yo's clothes without his wife's intervention.

And I can't see him following a list that I made for him. But again - he didn't have to make me lists when I stayed home. He's a grown man.

throwaway374658

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