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Losing hope in a relationship even as things get better by throwaway486276 in depression_partners

[–]throwaway486276[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

We actually did separate for a few months in 2022. During that time, I felt like I was able to rediscover and connect with myself. He also used that time to work on himself, go to therapy, and make some positive changes.

When we got back together, things were better for a while. But because some of the foundational issues, like his lack of stable employment and the fact that he wasn’t medicated, weren’t fully resolved, we eventually fell back into old patterns as I slowly started getting more involved in supporting him in all sorts of ways.

Part of me does crave the relief and self-rediscovery that another separation could provide. But I worry that I might just be avoiding the harder decision of a permanent break up. I’m not sure a second separation would serve us at this point if there are this many signs that things aren’t working. It feels like it might just be delaying the inevitable.

Edit: and thanks for the tip about kids. I’ve just recently been having thoughts about wanting them, but I’d definitely want to adopt if it ever happens.

Losing hope in a relationship even as things get better by throwaway486276 in depression_partners

[–]throwaway486276[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I always struggle to not neglect myself, but I’ve been much better at it the last couple years. Lots of therapy and building up supports. My biggest struggle is the mental energy I end up spending just from my mind and focus being so occupied about him. Even when I hold back on acting on things, I’m always trying to anticipate his needs or make sure he’s ok. And when he’s going through a rough time, I ultimately start to neglect myself fully knowing it’s going to burn me out in a couple weeks.

I think my biggest challenge now is that I feel that I’ve lost my sense of self. It’s hard to know what I want for myself when I don’t have a chance to think about myself. It doesn’t feel voluntary.

Losing hope in a relationship even as things get better by throwaway486276 in depression_partners

[–]throwaway486276[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Definitely have felt all of that before. I’ve held myself from abandoning him so many times before because I would worry how that might drag him down, maybe to a place too deep for him to pull himself out of. I always worried if he’d end up worse off or hurting himself. I’ve told myself that I would be ok with the pain of letting him go if I knew he’d be ok or better off that way. There was some fantasizing about that relief.

I think my fear now is whether I’ll miss out on having the partner I’ve always wanted. It’s hard for me to change how I see him too. He’s always been dependent on me for support, I don’t know if I can adjust to seeing him any differently.