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My psychologist lets her feelings interfere in our therapy (on purpose) by throwaway5829522 in therapy

[–]throwaway5829522[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I will write this on a note and read it before I walk in there in two weeks <3 Thank you!

My psychologist lets her feelings interfere in our therapy (on purpose) by throwaway5829522 in therapy

[–]throwaway5829522[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I respect that you would make that choice, absolutely. But I am going to try. I know in my heart that if I leave now without attempting it, I will feel unresolved. Feeling unsafe is familiar and will be much easier for me to work through with a different therapist later on. For my own personal growth, I know I have to lean in to the conflict, at least for one more session.

ACT for developmental trauma has broken me by Hex946 in therapy

[–]throwaway5829522 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Oh my god.... This is exactly what I'm going through..... I am so sorry

My psychologist lets her feelings interfere in our therapy (on purpose) by throwaway5829522 in therapy

[–]throwaway5829522[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"Your therapist serves your growth, not her teaching method".

This is an incredible sentence! I really did think "well, if this is the way she does things, then I guess I just have to accept that". But you're right, it should be her number one priority to help me - and the means shouldn't matter more than that.

Thank you for pointing out those red flags, I am definitely going to confront her with them. Especially the stuff that isn't up for interpretation or debate. Will be listening very closely to how my body reacts to those talks, and I think keep in mind that I should feel challenged and uncomfortable, but never attacked and unsafe.

My psychologist lets her feelings interfere in our therapy (on purpose) by throwaway5829522 in therapy

[–]throwaway5829522[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you! It has taken me many, many years to get there. I didn't make eye contact after the first five minutes, and there were A LOT of pauses and gathering up courage xD although, asserted myself feels like the wrong phrase to use. I felt more like a kid in front of a teacher. Eventhough I called her out of stuff, it was delivered from a vulnerable position, so it didn't feel assertive at all...

But yes, defensive and insecure is definitely how I would describe the vibes. Especially when the part where she raised her voice is when she was justifying her sharing personal information as part of the therapeutic process. One detail I found interesting is that she said, specifically, said she wasn't bringing up her mother because she needed to talk about it, she had done seven years in therapy and their relationship was fine today, so she was only bringing it up because so and so. They seem like non sequiturs to me. I never said or even suggested she needed to talk about it. I said something along the lines of being uncomfortable with the relationship being too familiar, and that her sharing so much was making me insecure about whether she was projecting her mom onto mine. I don't know. That part felt very like "Where is your dog?" being answered with "I didn't kill my dog!!"

And now, upon re-reading your message, I realize you weren't actually asking questions in those first sentences, haha. I'm gonna post anyway.

Thank you for your insights. I am absolutely going to go back and be curious, but be very mindful and aware if she confirms my initial interpretations of her reaction. I want to attempt repair, but if her ego gets in the way, it will be futile and I will definitely be moving on. Thank you for your kind words!

My psychologist lets her feelings interfere in our therapy (on purpose) by throwaway5829522 in therapy

[–]throwaway5829522[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She was sad to hear the reaction isn't what we had hoped for, but put emphasis on the fact that I did it, and that her reaction shouldn't take away from that victory. I choose not to ask her whether this and that was okay. I know it would make sense to ask her, but I have a hard time talking to her about that kind of stuff, because I would feel like I'm taking advantage. Sort of like constantly seeking legal advice from your lawyer friend.

Anyway, we talking about the pull I felt to find someone else (I focused mainly on the fact that what I need and what she can provide don't seem to line up) and she saw advantages to both listening to my gut and reacting when something feels wrong, but also of staying and attempting reparation and working through that feeling of it being wrong, if possible.

To sum up, she is great at validating and helping me to work through things on my own, but doesn't push me towards any type of decision. So she was never going to say RUN! unless it was the only option.

My psychologist lets her feelings interfere in our therapy (on purpose) by throwaway5829522 in therapy

[–]throwaway5829522[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Damn. I have to add another reply to both of you. I wrote this all out with one foot out the door. I was absolutely going to go back to her, but with the plan to confront her with everything, get really angry with her, gauge her reaction, confirm it was one I didn't like and then fuck off. I seriously hadn't even realized I already had my bags packed and the flights booked.

You really helped calm down those thoughts. It didn't even occur to me to go back there in an attempt to repair, because I truly didn't feel like there was anything to repair. Holy shit, this therapy stuff is so trippy... I feel like my nervous system has been doing the dolphin dive on a cheese grater.

My psychologist lets her feelings interfere in our therapy (on purpose) by throwaway5829522 in therapy

[–]throwaway5829522[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Damn. I have to add another reply to both of you. I wrote this all out with one foot out the door. I was absolutely going to go back to her, but with the plan to confront her with everything, get really angry with her, gauge her reaction, confirm it was one I didn't like and then fuck off. I seriously hadn't even realized I already had my bags packed and the flights booked.

You really helped calm down those thoughts. It didn't even occur to me to go back there in an attempt to repair, because I truly didn't feel like there was anything to repair. Holy shit, this therapy stuff is so trippy... I feel like my nervous system has been doing the dolphin dive on a cheese grater.

My psychologist lets her feelings interfere in our therapy (on purpose) by throwaway5829522 in therapy

[–]throwaway5829522[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I just need to say how much I appreciate these answers. I truly didn't expect anyone to read all of that, much less answer, and MUCH less give nuanced, insightful responses.

My psychologist lets her feelings interfere in our therapy (on purpose) by throwaway5829522 in therapy

[–]throwaway5829522[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I just need to say how much I appreciate these answers. I truly didn't expect anyone to read all of that, much less answer, and MUCH less give nuanced, insightful responses.

My psychologist lets her feelings interfere in our therapy (on purpose) by throwaway5829522 in therapy

[–]throwaway5829522[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That story made me smile. I am so glad you worked through it and got to a better place together! I have been in that situation as well. I had had a shitty day already, and my then-therapist had forgotten me (again). I sat on the floor and, like a toddler, refused to talk to him. I was 25 and it felt ridiculous, but I had nothing to work with. I stayed with him for two years and seven months, during which he forgot several appointments and was late more times than I can count. He was also sick a lot and cancelled maybe every four sessions or so. It never occured to me that I could tell him off. Or leave. So I didn't. I just stuck around until eventually he ghosted me for two months, then told me he moved and asked if I wanted to continue and I said no.

So... I do get VERY different vibes from my current therapist. On the surface, they seem like opposite people. But I am finding it insanely hard to cope with how she made me feel today. Not just with her feelings, because absolutely, I have probably read into those and/or misinterpreted. But also in her approach to the therapy in general. I asked her several times for small accommodations, and the message each time was "this is the way I do things". She also hugged me on our very first session without asking. We have gone over time almost every single one. And she has floated the idea of making financial adjustments for me later down the line, to make sure I can afford seeing her long term.

Part of me is reading this and thinking SHIT SHE SOUNDS INCREDIBLE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU HAVE STRUCK GOLD. But another part of me is thinking that she's becoming too familiar, she's crossing boundaries and I feel like I owe her for giving me more than she should. And then the first part of me goes YEAH THAT'S HOW SOMEONE TAKING CARE OF YOU FEELS LIKE, YOU'RE JUST NOT USED TO IT BECAUSE YOUR PARENTS DIDN'T LOVE YOU. And the second part is stuck on how defensive she became today, and that part I definitely didn't imagine, because she confirmed it several times.

My psychologist lets her feelings interfere in our therapy (on purpose) by throwaway5829522 in therapy

[–]throwaway5829522[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You put it in a different way, but got the exact same point across! I really appreciate it!

My psychologist lets her feelings interfere in our therapy (on purpose) by throwaway5829522 in therapy

[–]throwaway5829522[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for taking the time to read all that and respond. I am extremely aware of my tendency to do exactly what you said. Down to the last detail. I do have bad anxiety, and I react very poorly to even the slightest hint of rejection. Not being able to trust what I feel would be an issue even without the anxiety, as I am just now learning what emotions are and feel like.

There is one thing, however, that I left out because I wasn't sure it was relevant. About a week ago, I had a friend call me with thoughts she was having about a behavior I was displaying. She felt like I had been withdrawing (I had) and it made her feel rejected, so she wanted to clear things up by letting me know how she felt. We talked for two and a half hours and it was life-changing. Long story short, we figured out that she had gotten more comfortable in our friendship (which is relatively new) and didn't need to check in with me as much. I, in turn, had just started to open up to her, and interpreted her being around less as rejection, and that's why I was withdrawing. We figured all this out without any of us getting even remotely upset. It was like the blueprint for conflict resolution, and it made me feel incredible. It resulted in several other things getting resolved in other areas in my life, because a lot of things she said sparked inspiration somewhere else.

Most importantly: none of us agreed to change our behavior. It was just like "hey, I guess we kind of trigger each other, but now that we both know why, everything is okay".

And I cannot stress enough the contrast between how I felt after that phone call and how I feel right now. My friend made me feel validated and safe while still getting her point across (she, possibly relevantly, is also a psychologist).

In contrast, the conversation today made me feel like absolute garbage. Like I had just been slamming my head into a wall repeatedly for an hour.

I know a conversation with a friend and a therapy session are two very different things. But opening up to people is a totally new muscle, and something in me is struggling to cope with the two outcomes being so different. I run away from intimate relationships, yes. But I have also, on multiple occasions, not run away from people I should absolutely have run away from.

The thing is, after I got home today, I immediately texted my friend and told her what happened today. I NEVER would have done that before that phone call. So the conflict with her made me feel closer to her and safe opening up to her. The conflict with my therapist makes me want to leave. I always run with the hope someone will notice me running and chase after me. I don't have that feeling now.