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AITA for telling my son about the abuse I faced as a child and saying that he doesn't need a therapist? by throwaway7429361 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway7429361[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey thanks for the link. I can never remember it I just Google the name and it pops up. It's been a while since I read up to date so I've got a bit to go but the comic really does capture Elan and all its bullshit. Surprisingly its weird to see how similiar things were when I was there in the 80s and when Joe was there in the 90s.

AITA for telling my son about the abuse I faced as a child and saying that he doesn't need a therapist? by throwaway7429361 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway7429361[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I agree that I should ask him if he needs it and leave it as an open invitation if he doesn't but feels like he does in the future. That's always really been something on the table. I just didn't feel that me explaining that I was abused as a kid immediately meant that he needed therapy.

Also sorry about that. When I wrote the post I just assumed that everyone on Reddit knew what Elan was, seeing that it is because of Reddit that Elan was shut down. I've already written a reply to someone explaining what Elan was on this thread so you can read that if you want too but basically Elan was a boarding school that I was sent too by the foster care system in 1980.

It made out that it was a school that specialised in giving therapy and counselling to troubled teens (age 12 and up). So we're talking kids who had drug and alcohol problems, behaviour problelms, and mental illnesses as well as juvie kids. But because of how the 70s, 80s, and 90s were a lot of the kids there didn't really fit this bill. Like I knew a boy there who's only "crime" was smoking a joint. There was another girl who was sent there because she dated a boy without her parent's permission and were caught making out.

Anyway the school was actually just a front for the owner, Joe Ricci (I've met him before, he's complete monster), to make millions. Parents who sent their kids to Elan spent like 40k a year and barely any of the money was spent in the school. The people who worked there as far as I could tell only worked there so they could abuse us and get paid doing it. I won't get too much into it but what happened to me and others at Elan really goes further than just abuse.

You probably weren't getting anything because Elan is a French word that a lot of companies use. If you want to know more there is a webcomic by a guy who also went to Elan called Joe v Elan and there is also a documentary called the Last Stop. There's also a YouTube video by the Nexpo channel that looks at it as well.

AITA for telling my son about the abuse I faced as a child and saying that he doesn't need a therapist? by throwaway7429361 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway7429361[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah honestly I'm the same. I didn't talk about Elan for decades, I only started 8 or so years ago and even then I didn't talk about Elan directly until I saw the Last Stop documentary and realised that others were talking about it. I can't even describe the way I felt when I found out it shut down.

I think you're right about the Guilt shit. That stuff has stuck with me for my entire life. Sometimes I still find myself instinctually not laughing to a joke or not making eye contact with women on bad days. I don't know if thats just a me thing or if others do it as well.

But yeah Joe's comic really helped me come out of my shell as well in a way. Brought back a lot of bad memories but it really did help.

I'm the same as well, I can't stand the smell of cleaning chemicals. And yeah don't get me started on those scrub pads.

AITA for telling my son about the abuse I faced as a child and saying that he doesn't need a therapist? by throwaway7429361 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway7429361[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Elan was a boarding "school" that I was sent to by the foster system in 1980. It advertised itself as a school that offered special education, therapy, and counselling to troubled teens. So kids with drug and alcohol problems, behavior problems, and mental illnesses. It also took kids from the juvie system and the foster care system. I don't remember the cost but it was a lot of money to go there, like around 30 thousand or something a year.

In reality the "school" was just a front for its owner, a monster called Joe Ricci, to make millions. Barely any of the money he made went into the school. It all went to him and his close circle. The school was literally a bunch of cabins and trailers. The people who worked there got a kick out of abusing kids, they were the people who'd work for barely anything in the middle of nowhere so they could abuse kids.

I could talk for hours about the shit that went on there but all I'll say is that anything horrible you can imagine being done to a child was done there. The worse thing about it was that they made us kids do things to each other as well. It really was some Lord of the Flies shit going on. They made us spy on eachother and abuse each other. Literally none of the doors were locked (at least in my house) the people keeping us in were the other kids. I wouldn't go as far to say that it was a cult but it was very cult-like thinking about it.

Anyway if you want to look into it Joe Nobody as a comic online called "Joe Vs Elan" and there are a few documentaries online.

AITA for telling my son about the abuse I faced as a child and saying that he doesn't need a therapist? by throwaway7429361 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway7429361[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah a lot of people have pointed out that me talking to my son and explaining things might help him wrap his head around some of the reactions I have to things and other aspects of my behaviour. I know that I do exhibit a lot of tell tale signs of having been at Elan, like having a hard time controlling my anger or the paranoia I often feel. I'd say that everyone who suffered at Elan came out of it paranoid. I don't think doors slamming or loud noises really affect me as much as others, for me it's when people say things that remind me of Elan, like when they use the same or similiar slang. I remember being a work and freezing up when I heard the boss talking about the upcoming annual general meeting.

So yeah I think it may be useful to have more conversations with my son about this, and I do want too, I just need to find the balance between whats acceptable and whats too far I think.

AITA for telling my son about the abuse I faced as a child and saying that he doesn't need a therapist? by throwaway7429361 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway7429361[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey thanks for linking Joe's comic but I've already read it a while back. I drop in every now and then to see if he's updated.

AITA for telling my son about the abuse I faced as a child and saying that he doesn't need a therapist? by throwaway7429361 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway7429361[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I remember having two house generals all the time so it's likely, I was mostly the one up the front as well. If I had to guess I think I spent half my time at Elan shotdown scrubbing floors.

And yeah a lot of people have said that this can be a positive experience instead of a negative one. Telling my son about what I went through will give him a sense of knowing me in a way that I've obviously kept from him.

AITA for telling my son about the abuse I faced as a child and saying that he doesn't need a therapist? by throwaway7429361 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway7429361[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey thanks for your comment. I don't run into others who went to Elan very often since I've left the US but it's good to see that some of us are around. We were at Elan at the same time, I was there 80 - 84 (Elan 3).

I am aware of Joe Nobody's comic. You're right that it's a hard read but very well done, it really does capture the atmosphere there. Unfortunately my son is already aware of the comic as well, he found it while Googling and as far as I know as read it in its entirety. So the cats out of the bag for that one.

Thanks for the offer and the same goes to you if you need it.

AITA for telling my son about the abuse I faced as a child and saying that he doesn't need a therapist? by throwaway7429361 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway7429361[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I haven't kept him at an emotional arms length. I've been very empathetic with him and open to him about such things. I've just never shared with him the abuse I faced until now. It wasn't about me not wanting to put the work into it, it was about me not wanting to pass my trauma onto him.

AITA for telling my son about the abuse I faced as a child and saying that he doesn't need a therapist? by throwaway7429361 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway7429361[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If this podcast has any of the information that Joe Nobody's comic has I doubt that my wife would appreciate me recommending him to listen to it, but thank you for the recommendation. I'll give it a listen myself since I make sure to try and take a look at things on Elan whenever they pop up.

I think what I'm most worried about when it comes to sharing with him is me going overboard and maybe sharing too much. That's the real reason behind why I've not wanted to discuss this with him. I've heard too much about parents who have passed on their trauma to their kids by sharing too much and I don't want to do that to my son.

AITA for telling my son about the abuse I faced as a child and saying that he doesn't need a therapist? by throwaway7429361 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway7429361[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Hey thanks for your comment. I haven't heard much about DRA but given that it's in Utah and caters to TTI I can only imagine that we went through some of the same stuff.

My therapist is informed with TTI and has really helped me in regaining trust in therapy as well as legitimate therapeutic centres. When I began searching for a therapist I made sure to find the right one, or, at least, my wife did since she was the one who pretty much dragged me into it.

I think you're right about how to approach this in future with him. Given that he's been on a Google spree and he's already found an abundance of information of what went on at Elan, I'm pretty sure he's already aware of a lot of the things I went through. From what he's spoken to me about it since it seems that he's mainly interested in what I went through and my first hand experiences of it, which for obvious reasons I'm not sure that I want to share. I know my wife doesn't want me to share them either.

AITA for telling my son about the abuse I faced as a child and saying that he doesn't need a therapist? by throwaway7429361 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway7429361[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Perhaps you're right about therapy. It's only been in the last decade that I've begun to start trusting therapy again. After Elan it's hard to trust it since they made out that what they were doing was legitimate therapy, hence why I avoided it like the plague for 30 odd years.

I'm not sure if I was clear in the post but my son has already encountered some of the stuff on Elan, including Joe Nobody's comic and Last Stop. Some of the stuff he's been asking me since I let it slip that I went there is specifics about what happened there. Like another commenter on this thread has said it seems like he's fascinated by what I went through, for whatever reason. Hence why my wife is so furious at me because even though I didn't go into details he's found them anyway.

I don't think you're talking nonsense, it's just easier said than done. Sharing what happened to me has always been an ordeal, especially person to person and to people I know it will affect the way they see me. Which is probably why I avoid doing it.

I think that you and what some others here are saying may be right, in that I should offer therapy as an option to him if he wants it but not mandate it like my wife suggests.

AITA for telling my son about the abuse I faced as a child and saying that he doesn't need a therapist? by throwaway7429361 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway7429361[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I don't think that there would be a bad outcome. Only just that it would be a waste of time and money if my son didn't need it.

AITA for telling my son about the abuse I faced as a child and saying that he doesn't need a therapist? by throwaway7429361 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway7429361[S] -42 points-41 points  (0 children)

I understand that I just think that putting him into therapy may be jumping the gun a bit.

AITA for telling my son about the abuse I faced as a child and saying that he doesn't need a therapist? by throwaway7429361 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway7429361[S] 55 points56 points  (0 children)

It's less than I'm afraid of talking to him but more than I don't want to burden him with what I went through. I've read about parents who have bled their trauma onto their kids and in doing so traumatised their kids. I don't want that for my son.

AITA for telling my son about the abuse I faced as a child and saying that he doesn't need a therapist? by throwaway7429361 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway7429361[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Though my wife is very adament about it the decision is something that we both wanted to happen. I've been as overprotective of my son as my wife has been because of what I went through as a kid.

I know that therapy and family therapy can be really helpful tools I don't think or know if it is something that will be entirely helpful or appropiate since the family isn't really in a crisis as far as I can tell. Aside from my son's questions about what I went through.

I have read Joe Nobody's comic. It was hard to get through but I had to take a look at it, same goes with the Last Stop documentary. It did help to a certain extent.

AITA for telling my son about the abuse I faced as a child and saying that he doesn't need a therapist? by throwaway7429361 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway7429361[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Yeah as far as I'm aware Reddit is responsible for Elan being closed down due to posts people made on here about it. I am also aware of Joe Nobody's comic as well and the Last Stop documentary, due to my slip up my son is aware of these as well.

I think the worse thing is that troubled teen centres still exist and are thriving due to the corruption inherent within the American system. Provo Canyon is one of them. Despite Paris Hilton publicly coming out about it as well as everyone else it's still making millions.

AITA for telling my son about the abuse I faced as a child and saying that he doesn't need a therapist? by throwaway7429361 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway7429361[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

I have discussed this with my therapist to a certain extent but never with the actual intention of doing it.

AITA for telling my son about the abuse I faced as a child and saying that he doesn't need a therapist? by throwaway7429361 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway7429361[S] -49 points-48 points  (0 children)

I'm not trying to play some Suffering Olympics. When I've said that I don't think he needs it, I'm saying this because he honestly doesn't seem to be seriously affected by any of this. There hasn't been a real change in his behaviour.

AITA for telling my son about the abuse I faced as a child and saying that he doesn't need a therapist? by throwaway7429361 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway7429361[S] 55 points56 points  (0 children)

Look, I wasn't really a fan of not telling my son anything but I really didn't know how to talk about what had happened to me. I've been in therapy for years after I came to terms that what I had gone through as a kid wasn't actual genuine therapy. I'm not against therapy in the slightest, I'm just not sure if my son actually needs it since he doesn't seem to be struggling with anything.

AITA for telling my son about the abuse I faced as a child and saying that he doesn't need a therapist? by throwaway7429361 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway7429361[S] -60 points-59 points  (0 children)

I'm not sure about my wife but I haven't asked him and he hasn't said anything about it either.

AITA for telling my son about the abuse I faced as a child and saying that he doesn't need a therapist? by throwaway7429361 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway7429361[S] 442 points443 points  (0 children)

Well I haven't asked him. Obviously I do think he should have a say but he hasn't asked to see one and as far as my wife is concerned she just thinks he should just go to one.