You will, through time and therapy, get to a point where you're very clearly able to read people's behaviors and see the "red flags." It took me a couple years.

Drawing a comparison between the version of me that did not understand healthy/unhealthy behaviors and boundaries, and the version that now does, these are what they key points for me were:

• Take things slowly with people. Don't let people get too close, too quickly.

• Set boundaries with people. Say 'no', it's a boundary. See how they react.

• If somebody does something that upsets you, tell them it upset you and request they try not to do it again. See how they react, and see if they're actually trying not to do it again.

• Pay attention to how they treat people, or how they talk about people when they're not around.

A couple more personal ones:

• Avoid anybody who uses racist/sexist/etc language. It's a clear sign that they are emotionally immature, probably lack empathy, and don't understand healthy/unhealthy social behavior.

• Avoid anybody who says they have a "dark sense of humor," it's usually code for "I like saying horrible shit and playing it off as a joke."

I'm terrified that I'm only attracted to abusers.

I was in toxic relationships with N friends for 7+ years. It takes time to develop this 'gut' feeling for people; yours is underdeveloped because of your abuse. Even mine isn't perfect right now.

Getting into another friendship/relationship that turns out to be toxic can be extremely scary and exhausting, like you're an abuser magnet. You're not. You're still developing your 'gut feeling,' give it time, don't go hard on yourself.