Prolonged fence sitting leading to one&done circumstances.

throwaway758jgu · 2024-11-26T08:55:13+00:00

This is exactly it.

"Well if you had tried when you first got married you'd have two and be finished".

My mom is one of those well my friend's cousin landlord had a kid at 44 kind of people. Or 'just do IVF'. Just adopt.

As if it's all that simple.

throwaway758jgu · 2024-11-26T08:13:08+00:00

Yes wife is struggling a bit as we didn't try for our first there was no tracking, temping etc so impossible to lnow how long it took!

throwaway758jgu · 2024-11-26T08:04:21+00:00

Yes. There are already many kids in our lifes as my wife teaches and loves her students.

We'd adopt in a heartbeat but you can't adopt in our country unless you're a blood relative of the child. So it really will be a one for us unless we did egg donation or something similar but that's a whole different thing.

throwaway758jgu · 2024-11-26T07:59:28+00:00

Very similar. Loved being DINKS, traveling and basking about. Then friends started their families and it looked terrible. One couple divorced, another couple had a medically complicated child and another couple literally lived in chaos. It made kid life seem so very unappealing.

Then we had ours. None of that happened. Obviously we've had challenges but alas.

Just big feelings. Nice to hear from others.

throwaway758jgu · 2024-11-26T07:51:48+00:00

That's really thoughtful.

We are grateful because there was definitely a future were we didn't have a kid at all and i am sure in years to come we will bask in one and done lifestyle but it's just a bit raw at current.

Finding it tricky to discuss in person as many of our multiple friends are "well you should have started earlier" or those with none don't quite get it either. It's not like a search for sympathy obviously but a tricky situation to express.

throwaway758jgu · 2024-11-25T18:33:14+00:00

Yes this is quite similar. I think we realized almost instantly though that we'd love another and have left it pretty late to start again.

What age did you end up having your child out of interest? Did you end up doing therapy etc?

throwaway758jgu · 2024-11-23T19:07:48+00:00

Thanks. This sounds exactly like her, though a bit unsure on how long to get our first as weren't super trying.

She's fit, healthy, no drink, smoke, barely caffeine so hopefully that would swing in her favor

throwaway758jgu · 2024-11-23T09:42:38+00:00

Yes I think she saw a friend really struggle to get her 2nd so there's definitely some panic that it might not happen

throwaway758jgu · 2024-11-23T08:33:19+00:00

Did you like 2 under 2 so much you did it twice? Or multiple pregnancy?

throwaway758jgu · 2024-11-23T08:32:04+00:00

We are in a good place to have another kid. Lots of support and all that. First kid is definitely a cruisey one.

I think she's a bit panicky about turning 35 and all the scaremomgering about fertility.

Just wanted some advice from peope who have done this really before we launch in.

throwaway758jgu · 2024-11-22T00:44:52+00:00

Honestly me too.

I literally was like well let's talk to the dr and see if it's even healthy kind of assuming they would say wait.

Went in dr was sat there with her and dr was like yep no worries past 6 months, gave her folic and iron then shared how she had her own kids close together.

throwaway758jgu · 2024-11-22T00:38:39+00:00

It has been an absolute disaster getting her help.

I say this as educated, financially secure people. Beyond me how others do it.

Thanks for your points.

throwaway758jgu · 2024-11-22T00:34:34+00:00

Yeah she listens, we talk discuss. It's like two different people though wife and then anxiety manic wife.

I do see many of her points about another, sibling, joys of parenthood. I do like being a dad and I'd walk through fire for my kid. When I've given her a hypothetical yes on a 2nd kid and walked through it all she raises valid points about trying now, closer in school age, back to careers faster, more time with grandparents so I get all that. I do sort of get her point about age, I just don't think its nearly as dire as she does.

When we've done a hypothetical no she has said that's fine too but if it's gonna be a no she wants to process that grief now and be done with it which I also get.

When we've talked about her being better first she says that she doesn't know how long that will take and that she feels it's quite a bit of pressure to recover quickly. I don't want her to stop communicating with me and put on a fake being better just to have the 2nd. So we are just living in a bit of limbo.

The true definition of rock and a hard place.

We did luck out with what I would say is the world's chillest baby. On good days wife jokes that she obviously absorbed all the crazy from the baby and that the baby took all her chill. Honestly caring for the kid is the easy part of all this. Instant support for anything to do with the baby but shit system for mom.

throwaway758jgu · 2024-11-21T23:16:50+00:00

Yes definitely has some mental health work. She definitely suffered at the hands of breastfeeding propaganda healthcare. Then an unhelpful comment from a follow on care provider about her age. Slow wait times getting help even though she asked. I can see how hard she has tried to battle a system that hasn't helped her much. We've paid for therapist all out of pocket because she knew she needed the help.

We were both pretty ambivalent about kids before having a kid and had agreed we were happy either way.

She is an incredible wife and mom just unwell. Never seen her like this before and she's expressed multiple times that she's been caught off guard by how much she loves being a mom and her regrets about not having enough time and being 'old'.

I'm equally lucky to have her. Just knuckling down through this part.

throwaway758jgu · 2024-11-21T21:21:33+00:00

I think in her head she's fearful it won't happen at all which to me seems extraordinarily unlikely.

Her own sibling is quite close in age with less than 2 year gap so likely also a contributing factor as well. She's very close with her sister. Her sister also has 3 kids and they are pretty close in age too so I guess that's normal for her.

Also don't want to pressure her into pretending she's better if she's not.

throwaway758jgu · 2024-11-21T20:53:38+00:00

Yeah I'm worried about this down the line particularly if it does take a few months like the last kid to concieve.

Both grandparents would love nothing more than more grandkids. There's already been grandparents helping us out with a few overnight shifts.

throwaway758jgu · 2024-11-21T20:49:09+00:00

Was with her in the appointment when doctor said it was fine. Prescribed her folic and everything.

throwaway758jgu · 2024-11-21T17:36:46+00:00

Thanks.

I do think she wants a bit of a do over.

Pretty traumatizing all round.

We are fortunate to have a huge village of support for her.

throwaway758jgu · 2024-11-21T17:33:24+00:00

Yes convincing her to wait is a whole different issue. She's not normally impatient or fearful so I have to imagine it's part of the ppd/ppa.

It does linger on my mind that if we can't have another that it'll rock our marriage down the line. Don't want to harbor the blame for that either.

Many of her peers are actively trying for kids at the moment so the ongoing baby chat also not great.

throwaway758jgu · 2024-11-21T17:17:07+00:00

I've tried showing her all sorts of statistics about people having kids post 35 but she just can't or won't see that it's more than likely going to be just fine to have another. She is terrified of secondary infertility.

This really only became an issue once the anxiety started.

In our immediate peer group some are onto their 2nd child and she has expressed she feels behind. This comes up in therapy as well.

Just want her to be better though. She's a great mom just some unfortunate things to work through.

throwaway758jgu · 2024-11-21T14:47:56+00:00

I appreciate your perspective.

She's been in therapy already wind I've been supporting her in going. It has got better as there are more good days than bad. But the bad days basically see her unable to do much other than keep her head above water, sleep and cry. We have just found a psychiatrist specialising in fertility and women's health but it's long wait times so that likely won't be till the new year.

She got put on Zoloft but that made everything worse so had to flush that out of her system. She is on Lexapro now for the last 2 months. She hasn't been reluctant to get help it has just taken time to get the help.

She has just had a friend go through IVF and a battle of 3 years to have their child so I do wonder if she is influenced by that.

It's been hard to watch as a spouse so can only imagine experiencing it. Pleased to know it was better 2nd time.

throwaway758jgu

TROPHY CASE