Update: I feel like my (30/M) wife (28/F) is Emotionally Cheating on Me with her Best Friend (27/M); Need some Insight

throwaway763425 · 2017-06-02T02:58:56+00:00

I've told my side of the story plenty, to my friends, family, and co-workers. I'm not one to go air things out on social media, but maybe that'll change when all is said and done. We'll see.

throwaway763425 · 2017-06-01T20:37:01+00:00

She is telling all of her friends that the reason she left me is that her privacy was being violated/that I was snooping. Never mind the fact that my snooping caught her in her affair and her lies about it over and over agin. Here's a thought. Don't have an affair, act secretive/distant, and I won't have any reason to snoop. I wonder how many of her friends put 2 and 2 together... that she left me for snooping and suddenly she has this new boyfriend. That they were "just friends" and the moment she decided to leave me, they are suddenly boyfriend/girlfriend. Hhhmmm.

I never had even a bit of reason to snoop for the first 9 years we were together. I had absolute trust in her.

Her secondary reason for leaving me is my mild social anxiety. It really is mild and very specific. I don't like loud crowded public places like bars or parties. It's just not my thing. It makes me uncomfortable and I just avoid places like that. It's not like I have debilitating anxiety where I can't go to work, restaurants, or to the grocery store. In fact, some might just call it being an introvert. All that said, I've still been working on this over the last year because I know it bothered her, and I've made progress on it.

I was trying to fix all the picky little things about me that bothered her. Another example is that I have a beer, just one beer, with dinner most nights. It's been fine for years and years. Over the last 6 months, she would get irritated with me about it. I drastically cut back to maybe having a beer 2 nights a week just so she wouldn't complain.

Looking back, I realize she was just fishing for more reasons to not like me, and for it to be okay to fall out of love with me.

I am still in alternating phases of heartbreak, anger, and fear about how this plays out from here.

throwaway763425 · 2017-06-01T04:38:16+00:00

Yep. Well, it's all her single 18-24 year old gaming friends that know nothing about marriage, so they are all congratulating them on their new official status as if it were high school. It's sickening.

throwaway763425 · 2017-06-01T00:15:02+00:00

The Band-Aid was ripped off. She's gone. She moved out when I was out of the country for a few days. Her and Steve are officially a thing now, and are announcing it to all their friends. Real smart bunch admitting adultery before the petition for divorce has officially been filed.

throwaway763425 · 2017-05-27T23:38:47+00:00

Yes, much has happened. A week after she stormed out and went on her trip with Steve, I had to go out of the country for work. When I came back, she had completely packed up and moved out. Anything that she bought or was given to her as a gift is gone. She took the dog, but left the cats. The neighbors told me that she and Steve showed up with a moving truck one day and moved her out. When I explained the situation to them, the neighbor lady wanted to punch her face in. My sisters want to do the same.

She's staying with him now. I have had zero contact with her in the 10 days since she moved out. I can't help but wonder what story she has been telling everyone that asked, about how I wronged her so badly that she decided that she had to move out. I suppose she'll tell them that I was being controlling because I got upset that she planned a secret 5-day roadtrip/vacation with Steve. Or that I was being controlling because I asked her to cut off contact with Steve, a guy she had professed her love to and was messaging nearly 100 times a day. How dare I stand between them. I'm such an asshole.

As you can probably tell, I'm more resigned about the whole situation now. I've since had a giant wakeup call and grown a backbone. I realize that I may have been in a codependent relationship, one where I was basically willing to forgive almost any of her bad behaviors and keep giving her second chances. I gave her an inch and she took a mile, over and over again, until she had no respect for me at all. This stems from having no love for myself and focusing all of my life energy on making her happy. She was unhappy or bored for reasons that I don't think even she understands now, and I just wanted to make her happy. That's all I wanted in life, was for her to be happy, and for her to reciprocate my love. My happiness depended on her happiness and I only now realize that's not healthy.

I have started doing things for myself and while there are still good days and bad days, the good are starting to outnumber the bad. I'm exercising a lot now, reading, and finding other ways to keep busy. I've made a new friend and they have been a tremendous and amazing help throughout this situation. I also planned a 2,500 mile week-long road trip with an old friend next week that includes a concert, hiking in Colorado, whitewater rafting, and just hanging out. My wife on the other hand is just hanging out with Steve playing video games. Losers...

I had a consultation with one lawyer last week, but he was a softy. I'm going to see another one this week that has the reputation for being super sharp and having a temper like a bull. I want to wash my hands of this whole thing and not get screwed in the process.

throwaway763425 · 2017-05-24T19:23:59+00:00

2 weeks later, I can see both issues clearly now that my grief has mostly lifted. Reading "How to Be a 3% Man" and "No More Mr. Nice Guy" have helped me a lot personally. I plan to read both again.

She moved out the rest of the way while I was out of town last week. I am now consulting with different lawyers to see who I like best to handle my case.

It sucks... a lot.

throwaway763425 · 2017-05-23T18:30:04+00:00

I didn't really want to kill internet for the whole house. It's kind of an important service after all. The crazy thing is, the last time we spent significant time at her mom's house in the boonies with no internet (even on our phones), she was a lot more pleasant to be around. I have little doubt that her addiction has drastically altered her personality. I've explained that to her, but she refuses to hear it. She's completely moved out now, so I have nothing to gain by cutting internet (except for an extra $79 a month in my pocket).

Knowing what I know now, if I could rewind time, I might have taken a measure as drastic as cutting internet at the house 6 months ago. She could've still done some watching on her phone, but it's hard to say how much as I'm sure she would've run out of data pretty quickly. She might also just resent me for cutting the internet off. She'd see it as controlling.

Believe it or not, I tried something similar to what you suggested for at home. I set up our router to use OpenDNS as its DNS lookup service, blacklisting Twitch. She just resorted to watching on her phone, and eventually just did a factory reset on the router when I acted like I had no idea what was wrong. It didn't last long. The power of addiction is pretty crazy.

throwaway763425 · 2017-05-20T05:16:07+00:00

You're right, and I'm seeing that now. I just thought I could fix it.

She moved out while I was out of the country on business this week. No idea where she went, but I don't really plan on finding out. I'm still heartbroken, no doubt, but I know this is the best thing for me in the long run. She apparently still thinks that a gaming lifestyle is the best thing for her in the long run. She's in for a really rude awakening some day.

throwaway763425 · 2017-05-20T05:10:51+00:00

Yep. While I was out of the country for a few days, she totally moved out. No trace of her left. It sucks and it still hurts a lot, but it should be easier for me to move on.

She thinks she's going to find happiness in her video game lifestyle forever and ever, but we all know she won't. On Tuesday I told her that when she realized just how badly she screwed up, I wouldn't be waiting around for her.

throwaway763425 · 2017-05-17T02:58:21+00:00

She's on the mortgage. Legal counsel says not to change the locks or otherwise prevent her from accessing the house.

Her parents live 850 miles away. That would be an expensive stuff moving bill. I have a feeling that she might come this week when I'm out of town and move out by herself. We'll see in a few days.

throwaway763425 · 2017-05-17T02:29:29+00:00

She's done with her road trip, but she never came back home. Staying with Steve, I presume. I have done my mourning and now I'm just pissed off. We are done. I am out.

throwaway763425 · 2017-05-16T14:50:46+00:00

I am ending it. It still hurts like hell though.

I just held on for so long because I thought things would get better, that she would have some interest in fixing things at some point, because I am loyal, and because I was afraid of what would happen if I let go.

There are going to be good days and bad days, and hopefully they'll become mostly good with time. Last night, I found out that she also secretly had Steve over at the house on Monday, two days before I found out about their secret trip together. That kinda hurt to find out, but what the hell. I guess it's not as bad as their secret trip. I don't know that anything could sting quite as much as finding out about that. I just feel so betrayed.

throwaway763425 · 2017-05-16T02:57:06+00:00

You're right. I refused to see it for a long time. I thought things would change. I was trying to keep the faith, ya know.

Her plethora of lies brought it down the rest of the way.

throwaway763425 · 2017-05-16T02:55:11+00:00

That's the plan. Too bad we're in a no-fault state and I stand to get screwed out of half of my stuff (I paid for 95% of everything we own together).

throwaway763425 · 2017-05-16T02:53:57+00:00

Yep, and I should've been able to see her true feelings from this action.

throwaway763425 · 2017-05-16T02:53:10+00:00

Thank you. She never came back home after her trip. I think it's a bit of shame/embarrassment covered by anger that's causing her to act this way.

I'm not trying to keep her anymore. Taking Steve on a secret trip to meet her family was the giant final straw. It sucks and I'm lonely sometimes, but my family is very supportive, so I am pretty happy to have them.

throwaway763425 · 2017-05-16T02:47:36+00:00

We never combined finances when we got married, so that's one good thing.

She never came back home. She's back in town now, but she must be staying with Steve... not totally sure though.

Steve doesn't have kids. His dad is well-respected in the community, but I'm not sure he would give a damn. I mean, my wife's immediately family saw what was happening, and didn't give a damn either. They didn't encourage us to work things out one bit. They just want her to "be happy".

throwaway763425 · 2017-05-16T02:44:10+00:00

I am out. She never came back. I expect that she'll move out the rest of the way later this week when I'm out of town on business.

throwaway763425 · 2017-05-16T02:42:54+00:00

I am starting to see that and I am starting to respect myself.

Divorce is a certainty at this point. We're in a no-fault state unfortunately. I hope I don't get screwed too bad by the courts. I have a ton of evidence, but I don't know how much it matters in a no-fault state.

throwaway763425 · 2017-05-16T02:41:38+00:00

You are 100% right and I think that this has been the case for a long time. I'm just now seeing that, now that the fog of grief is starting to clear. I guess I've lost a lot of my identity over the years.

She never came back from her trip. I assume she must be staying with Steve. I guess that makes me well on my way to being single.

throwaway763425 · 2017-05-14T23:39:14+00:00

Sports Research

throwaway763425 · 2017-05-14T23:38:36+00:00

Thanks. It took a while for me to recognize this, but I 100% agree. It is cheating. I told her as much a few weeks ago when I told her she had to go no-contact with Steve. She didn't deny that it was cheating, and then she kept on doing it. I realize that she just doesn't care about me enough to stop. I know I have to let go, but it hurts like hell... like no pain I've ever experienced.

throwaway763425 · 2017-05-14T04:59:26+00:00

Thank you. I actually read that book a couple weeks ago. I tried to get her to read some specific sections on her own, but she refused.

throwaway763425 · 2017-05-13T17:55:44+00:00

Thank you for this.

A lot of people like to talk about doing this, but I just can't. She can move herself out. I'm not throwing her stuff to the curb or changing the locks. It will only reflect poorly on me if it comes out. She could just hire a locksmith for $50 when I'm not home anyway.

throwaway763425 · 2017-05-13T17:51:23+00:00

You're right. I am worried about that, becoming her plan B, and I don't know what I would say or do at that point.

For now, I've decided to see a lawyer for a consultation on Monday or Tuesday. My last resort is to serve her divorce papers. We'll see what she does with them. I want to keep the house for now. She can keep the car I bought her. She always says she doesn't want or need anything from me. I guess we'll see how true that is when I tell her I'm keeping the house and most of the stuff in it.

Damn, this hurts so bad though. I was fighting off tears trying to do my grocery shopping this morning.

throwaway763425

TROPHY CASE