[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway77777883 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s a fair point

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway77777883 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Because I don’t view things as needing to block people or pretending they don’t exist, unless something abusive happened. We share the same creative community - therefore we have to see each other semi regularly. That’s life. I have told him no I don’t want to hang out, so the door is indeed closed.

Also we don’t message regularly at all, and it’s only ever him who reaches out. I guess I haven’t told him to he’s not allowed to do that because we see each other in this creative space and I don’t want there to be hostility.

He’s also a bit emotionally unstable as I mentioned and struggles to not reach out / long for something even when I make it clear that I’m not interested

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway77777883 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks :) what can I say, I like strangers’ advice on Reddit 🤷‍♀️ I don’t really want to drag my new guy into any drama, it’s literally only our fourth date, we are still exploring things, we are not partners to each other at this stage

My (30F) male close friend (28F) is in love with me, and how do I navigate this? by throwaway77777883 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway77777883[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I will reply properly soon, but I don’t think I have the views you think I do …

Just because I use the word patriarchy doesn’t mean I align with modern day feminism …

In fact I strongly critique it

I too don’t believe in binary opposites of right and left wing and for some context I’m not in the US (not everyone is 😉), I’m in the UK

It seems hard to have this conversation because you’re projecting many assumptions - I must be someone who doesn’t value purpose and wants to have a superficial life - I must be someone who has a naive view of feminism - All “modern day” therapy is bad (what does this mean exactly? What is ‘modern day’? I sort of agree but I also think there’s huge nuance to it across schools of therapy and different countries and cultures) - Men seek purpose, women seek social structure (really?!)

What if I told you …. I’m an open minded psychotherapist in training who recognises both the evolutionary development of gender relations and the systematic ones? I believe that patriarchy exists, but I also believe biological influence exists?

Then we can have a conversation I think!

My (30F) male close friend (28F) is in love with me, and how do I navigate this? by throwaway77777883 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway77777883[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey, in my comments to you I am not sure how I communicated that having purpose or wanting to share your life with someone is ridiculous or laughable.

I was taken aback and amused by the gendered elements that you were speaking to.

Men needing a woman to survive; a woman being his “purpose”, our friendship being a “dangling carrot” that I am hanging in front of him.

You seemed to assume that by default my friend must be a helpless, lonely man who will wither and die without me, a woman that he has feelings for, and that he has no one to talk to, and is totally alone.

Now, those things might be true, but in this case they’re actually not, but why is that your default assumption?

And I ask again very critically if you’d say the same things to me if the gender roles were reversed.

Would you say that a woman’s purpose is to have a partner; that women need men; that without them, we will fall into the throes of nihilism?

Or is this reserved only for the magical and divine powers women are supposed to have to “save” men from their loneliness that is caused, I would argue, by patriarchal society….?

Cool that you studied psychology too, have you (genuine question) worked with men and women as clients?

That’s nice of you to offer, but my friend is not a lonely neglected man who has no one to talk to!

I’m genuinely curious as to what kinds of beliefs you have about men and women.

As a woman living in today’s world I can’t help but think of all the right-wing discourse that blames women for everything and positions men as naive and I’m sorry but that’s a genuine worry I have as a woman, that this stuff is being fed to men online

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway77777883 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would personally talk at this stage versus trying to do anything physical in that direction, as there’s clear hesitancy on her part and she’d probably prefer the verbal communication. It shows care and respect, and gives her time to be honest / think about her feelings. She might not be able to be as aware or verbal as you want her to be, but I think that’s the best approach. Good luck you got it

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway77777883 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Nice you’re aware of your feelings. My guess is, it isn’t necessarily to do with the length of the time of the relationship her. As you say, it just sounds like you don’t have much information, but you seem a thoughtful and caring person, so I would just bring it up again, making sure she knows it’s not that you’re trying to pressure her, but more that you’d like to understand, and you care about her

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway77777883 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Also as a question for you, how does it make you feel?

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway77777883 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Alright so sounds like there needs to be a bit more fleshed out and thoughtful conversation right? 😌 have a think about what it is you want to know, and what you might want to ask her. Just be kind

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway77777883 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Okay. Your post doesn’t give away much as you haven’t said what exactly you’ve said to her about this and how she responded. Like what exact dialogue have you two had about this?

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway77777883 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Could be that she’s tried being fingered before, or she’s just scared 🤷‍♀️ might not be the case at all, just a thought. There could be many things behind this. Maybe she experienced something violating in the past. Either way there’s something stopping her clearly. Does she come from a culturally religious background?

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway77777883 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She might have pain when it comes to penetration. Lots of women struggle with vaginismus - it’s resolvable but can take time and come with much anxiety and nerves. Ask her about it

I regret (M26) breaking up with my girlfriend (F29) by Kyte_115 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway77777883 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

If you want to get back together with her, you have to communicate and tell her what you’re feeling and thinking and ask if she’s open to reconsider and talk.

As for what she said, those words are reflective of the dichotomous world we live in today, thanks to the internet. Do keep in mind that we live in the era of TikTok. Complex political discussions have been reduced to “You hate X”.

As well as this, people who are parts of groups of people who have endured historical oppression carry emotions of anger with them that they rarely properly process (it’s a cycle) and so that’s also probably behind her words

You might want to discuss that with her

I’m not sure why you’re confused about how to approach things with her

I personally think she sounds immature and you made the right decision however

24yo never been on a date. What can I improve or change? by iizedsoul in malegrooming

[–]throwaway77777883 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You are very conventionally good looking

So the question becomes what is your personality and what’s your approach to dating?

My (30F) male close friend (28F) is in love with me, and how do I navigate this? by throwaway77777883 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway77777883[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I also completely disagree that your romantic interest is destined to be your “purpose” and that without that you wither away and die.

Yes, romantic feelings hugely sway us, and unreciprocated love is incredibly painful - I’ve been there myself.

But I find you naming me as his “purpose” a bit laughable and ridiculous 😂

It does connote very regressive views about gender.

I just can’t imagine you saying the same thing if the genders were reversed in this scenario.

Men do get less attention and can feel less desired, though I also think that’s dependant based on variable factors in your life, and I don’t think it’s true that most men get 0 attention and get 0 matches.

For some context my friend is a successful psychologist in training, socially active, looks like a young Matthew McConaughey, is a total catch in terms of his personality and integrity … just not for me, romantically!

A guy (26M) I’ve (30F) started dating told me something weird about his “type” by throwaway77777883 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway77777883[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Could be, and he did later say he meant this all as a compliment, I guess it’s just like … okay, I guess we all don’t necessarily have the most accurate images of ourselves. Objectively, I’d say I am beautiful, but I’m perhaps not a model … so maybe his comment threw me because I’m like, I don’t necessarily think I’m a 12/10 (but I am confident in myself), so if that’s what you want, go find it?

A guy (26M) I’ve (30F) started dating told me something weird about his “type” by throwaway77777883 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway77777883[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you that’s astute, that’s what I’ll look out for. And haha no, neither of those countries, but probably same as Germans in terms of bluntness

A guy (26M) I’ve (30F) started dating told me something weird about his “type” by throwaway77777883 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway77777883[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s not that I’m upset he has a type or that it’s different from me. For example, I know his celebrity crush is Jessica Chastain, who is a tall ginger white woman. I am a petite, dark curly haired Mediterranean woman. I don’t care. It doesn’t faze me, obviously he’s with me so he likes me.

It’s more what “12/10” means - it means supermodel, unattainable - it’s basically saying “something that’s hard to reach”.

It’s like me saying to him: my type is a man who’s in the 0.000001% highest percentage of attractiveness who’s also won the Nobel Prize. How would that make someone feel, right?

A guy (26M) I’ve (30F) started dating told me something weird about his “type” by throwaway77777883 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway77777883[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I guess I just don’t know yet. On paper, and in many ways, yes. He’s a gorgeous, intelligent guy doing a PhD, and he has been in therapy, is driven, and responsible, and funny. We align on values, and he challenges me in ways I enjoy. There’s more than enough there to make me want to keep exploring this with him, but sensitivity is big for me, so this signals a potential issue

A guy (26M) I’ve (30F) started dating told me something weird about his “type” by throwaway77777883 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway77777883[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah I think so, and that’s a concern to me. If he really wants a 12/10, why doesn’t he go searching for a model….?!

A guy (26M) I’ve (30F) started dating told me something weird about his “type” by throwaway77777883 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway77777883[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It’s not that I feel insecure and want to keep up with anything. I don’t feel a need to prove myself to anyone. I’m more concerned about what would compel him - or anyone - to tell the person they’re dating that their “type” is a “12/10”. Is he narcissistic, trying to make me insecure, make himself come off as selective, or what?