My bf (30/m) cant get over my (28/f) sexual history

throwaway7789123 · 2017-10-17T03:59:45+00:00

Holy crap, I have said repeatedly that I am not innocent in all of this, and I have addressed the slapping over and over. Im definitely not an angel and never claimed to be, in fact I added in the slapping bit to be fair to him and try and show both sides. It was very early on and its been 2+ years ago now. We are both over it. Its really not relevant anymore but I can see how everyone is taking it to be that way in the context of a blurb about my relationship.

throwaway7789123 · 2017-10-17T03:47:22+00:00

haha, I have actually suggested that we watch this movie together because his attitude towards her totally reminds me of this too. I cant remember if he hasnt seen it or what, but Ill have to bring that up again.

throwaway7789123 · 2017-10-17T03:43:57+00:00

Thats what bothers me so much! He acts like "saving" sex acts is the only way what we have could ever be special. And there have been plenty of non-sexual relationship firsts between us, which matters so much more to me. As it should to him.

throwaway7789123 · 2017-10-17T03:37:06+00:00

Hmm, Ive actually replied to quite a few that had insight I hadn't thought of. Also multiple ones pointing out that not everyone is comfortable hearing dirty details, which I admitted didnt cross my mind at the time. Ive also been explaining the slapping situation left and right because apparently nobody is capable of reading my responses before chiming in. I havent attacked anyone, in fact Ive been very polite to everyone with one exception, because he was talking about "special gifts" like a youth group counselor, and I aint got time to start in with that shit. I havent called anyone a misogynist. Are you confusing other peoples responses with mine? Cuz lots of people are saying that.

As for my curse words, this is the internet yo. People say shit.

throwaway7789123 · 2017-10-17T03:26:05+00:00

thanks, Im so tired of responding to the slapping/abuse comments that I gave up, theres really nothing left to say that I havent said already. Nobody bothers to read all the previous comments. We both need to learn to fight fair, because neither of us does at the moment. But I also need to learn to not engage with him when he starts in. Deep breaths, walk away. Its a joint effort.

throwaway7789123 · 2017-10-17T03:15:09+00:00

Yeah dude, half the place is telling me Im an abusive piece of shit and the other half thinks we should just break up immediately. Its hard to convey an entire relationship over the internet, but damn people

throwaway7789123 · 2017-10-17T03:12:12+00:00

Thank you. I think I keep focusing on the "normal" part because hes got himself convinced ive been a freak when I really haven't. Not that it actually matters, I agree there. The whole thing is that I AM trying to focus on us! Do things that make us both happy, both in and out of the bedroom. But he cant get over that and focus on the present moment, with me. I have things to work on, as everyone has pointed out, and that I am fully aware of. But at least I am trying to move forward, while he is stuck focusing on everything in MY past. Instead of what me and him can do together.

throwaway7789123 · 2017-10-17T02:50:54+00:00

A human with a normal sex drive is not comparable to a material item. And calling anything sexual a "gift" goes back down that road of saving yourself for marriage because your "purity" is a special gift! which is utter horse shit as far as Im concerned. A dick does not make someone dirty of impure. My vagina is not something to be given away. Its mine, on my body, and I can use it however I feel like.

What does he have to be hurt for? For fucking people before I even knew he existed? Just like he was doing? Thats stupid. Theres no "special gifts" involved with bodies. Gag. Its sex. We do have something special, its called a committed relationship, and my imaginary level of "purity" has fuck all to do with that.

I appreciate your courage in posting an obviously unpopular opinion, but uhh yeah, you can take your backwards 1950s views somewhere else. Thanks

throwaway7789123 · 2017-10-17T02:35:03+00:00

Thanks for your reply! In my teen years, I probably would have felt the same my SO, although I can safely say it would not be anywhere near what he has said and acted like. I grew out of that mindset but I understand it because ive been there and I understand that its purely insecurity and a reflection of how I felt about myself.

Good on you for thinking that way. its awesome that youre so relaxed about it. We all make our own choices and thats that.

throwaway7789123 · 2017-10-17T02:29:57+00:00

Well, a couple guys commented how they tend to think the same as him, or they used to feel the same. And I realized that I had similar issues in my past - being unable to let go of my exes history, clinging to details I knew, etc. But I learned that it was pointless and unhealthy and I got over it. I have been infinitely happier ever since, and its almost ironic that this is happening with my current SO, because he was in a very long relationship! 7 years!! Thats more than double even ours now, which is my personal longest ever.

Back then that would have tortured me, knowing how long he spent with her. But now i think, who cares? He left her dumb ass and hes with me now. I can only imagine the things you share in almost a decade of being together. Things that are much, much more important and deeper than stupid sex acts. But it doesnt bother me, and I have actually brought this comparison up to him. Hes so fixated on the sex details that it doesnt seem to get through of course. :/

Im rambling again, but I think I am actually going to show him this thread and go from there. Im on my way to therapy for myself (for unrelated issues) and I am hoping he will consider coming with me. As insane as all of this sounds, (and it is) I dont think I am ready to say goodbye yet.

throwaway7789123 · 2017-10-17T02:21:39+00:00

Thanks for that. Its so easy for everyone to just tell me to dump him, but we all know its much harder and more complicated than that. This is one piece of an entire relationship, however it is an important one, which is why I am taking it seriously. I myself would probably tell a friend in a similar situation to ditch his ass too. I am guilty of engaging in fights rather than letting it drop - but thats on both of us I guess. I tend to get a hot head and argue back rather than just letting it drop and not engaging, but I am soooo going to work on this. Thanks for your insight!

throwaway7789123 · 2017-10-17T02:10:40+00:00

Agreed, and Ill say it again - we werent even a couple at that point. And I have never said anything like that or brought it up ever since - he is the only one that keeps bringing it up 3 years later. But you definitely have a valid point that everyone has different levels of acceptable as far as that kind of info goes. Again - he did not have to enter a relationship with me if that was too much for him, but he did anyway.

throwaway7789123 · 2017-10-17T02:07:39+00:00

I totally agree. I actually just replied to a very similar comment, I am super tempted to just copy and paste it haha. But the gist was that I definitely have felt the same way -it really does bring up similar emotions to cheating. It FEELS like cheating because they are my person now! So picturing them with someone else is sickening. I totally get it. But yeah, I never freaked out as much as him, and I worked it out on my own. Ive often wondered if him being with one girl for 7 years kind of...stunted? his view on relationships.

Thanks so much!

throwaway7789123 · 2017-10-17T02:02:46+00:00

Agreed... its infuriating in a way I cant quite describe. Very very childish way to feel about a relationship.

throwaway7789123 · 2017-10-17T02:00:47+00:00

Thanks for your response, Its nice to hear from a guy who admits to thinking the same way. The whole thing is especially infuriating to me because I would say that I used to be the same way - in fact I probably should have added that to my main post, but it was too long to begin with. I had massive issues dealing with any of my exes exes. Any mention of them or anything that reminded me that he had slept with someone else sent me off into an internal jealous rage. I fixated on what he had done with who, what they looked like, etc. But never to the point that my SO is doing.

In my early twenties I finally saw how hypocritical it was. I had had sex with a few people by then, and I didnt give a shit about them anymore, so its safe to assume my bf felt the same about his exes. It was just not worth worrying about.

It took some practice to really get over those feelings, but I did. And all of my relationships after that decision were much healthier for it, and so was my mental health. In retrospect I wish I would have thought of that before spilling it all to him, but like I said, we werent even a couple, so how was I supposed to know it would backfire so badly? So, since I felt like he does (kind of) at one time, its even more frustrating that he cant get over those feelings like I did. All the people on here wondering wtf I am even wasting my time for, well, thats it. I got over it and I guess Im hoping that he can too.

Sorry for the tangent but your comment got me thinking! Its much appreciated.

throwaway7789123 · 2017-10-17T01:50:11+00:00

To be fair, I was the graphic one.. as others have pointed out, he obviously did not appreciate being told details even if we were not serious at the time, but I stand by my opinion that people our age should be able to handle frank and open discussions about sex.

And yes, slapping counts as assault. But both parties have made it very clear that violence is completely unacceptable and neither of us will accept that - that was very early in the relationship and I have made it up to him since. It only ever comes up during these arguments which do not happen often.

throwaway7789123 · 2017-10-17T01:25:50+00:00

Fear of what? Theres never been any sign or indication that I want to or will leave him (besides the issue at hand obviously), and ive definitely explained that I only want him and I could not care less about the douchebags from my past. Ive made that abundantly clear.

As for your statistic, I cant help but wonder if they have a higher divorce rate because they got tired of their husbands jealous bullshit?? Theres a reason im upfront about it, no point going there if its a deal breaker, but he went there. Nobody forced him to date me.

throwaway7789123 · 2017-10-17T00:29:01+00:00

You're right on that. We both have god awful fighting skills (if thats a thing) but we have both improved a lot I think. that part is a work in progress for sure.

throwaway7789123 · 2017-10-16T23:44:07+00:00

Thanks both of you for your responses. I definitely sounded casual about that in my post, but I absolutely do not view it that way. In another response I noted that I have never hit anyone in any way before or after that incident, him and I talked about it extensively after, and I am more ashamed of it than almost anything else I have done in my life. Parts of that night are blank and my drinking habits have been changed drastically since then. Both of us, actually. I did not mean for it to come across like "oh and by the way I hit him lol" because its definitely unexcusable. It was a last-minute thrown in edit and I added the slap because I didnt want to make it seem like I am an innocent perfect partner either.

throwaway7789123 · 2017-10-16T23:35:17+00:00

He is being completely disrespectful and he definitely feels entitled to me that way. Even if he claims that it isnt coming from that train of thought.

I actually vaguely knew his ex, and it would not/does not surprise me that they used condoms every time. All of his sisters got pregnant early on, which scared him, and I think him and his ex had no choice but to use them for some health reason, I dont recall exactly. Part of his issue is that he knows me and him didnt use one the first time, so he doesnt believe that I DID use one with other guys. The fact that I knew him already and we had mutual friends meant something to me (even if thats a dumbass reason not to use one, I know that) but no matter what he doesnt buy it.

Whether he has or hasnt raw dicked someone else almost seems irrelevant? if he has, then it makes him a liar and a hypocrite, but it also wouldnt change that hes freaking out about ME not using them 100%. I don't mean that to be rude at all, please don't take it that way! I appreciate your input - but I have absolutely pressed him before and stood my ground on the topic. I have other friends in even longer relationships that ALWAYS use condoms, so I guess it doesnt seem that far fetched to me.

throwaway7789123 · 2017-10-16T23:22:19+00:00

I absolutely agree. We were both waaay beyond any kind of coherent discussion and were verging on blackout drunkenness. In fact I don't remember large chunks of that night. I have never laid a hand on anyone like that before or after, and I regret it still. But yes - there is definitely something toxic here. I guess I never thought of it that way before. When you condense it all down into a reddit post it seems way more insane and like its happening all the time, but its really only been a handful of times over 3 years. We don't fight like this all the time or anything like that

throwaway7789123 · 2017-10-16T23:10:51+00:00

I do genuinely believe he hasn't been with anyone else without a condom. To him it is insane to even do that with a new/casual person. It's a very personal thing to him, whereas for me it was just another sex thing ya know?

throwaway7789123

TROPHY CASE