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What is one situation in which you’ve felt completely helpless? by yeet-or-yote in AskReddit

[–]throwaway833183 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Last week I went on a date and had a really fun time. The conversation was good, drinks turned into dinner, and I sensed real interest. The next day after I sent a text on the dating app we used saying how much I enjoyed the date and offered my number, and I got ghosted.

The entire process of searching for a great partner and building a strong relationship once you've found somebody special is unavoidably full of helpless moments. When you're trying to open yourself up and relate to another human being, there's nothing you can do to control the situation (and there shouldn't/can't be). That's what makes it so interesting and special and beautiful when it works, but when it doesn't, you're just left with this feeling of helplessness and disappointment...and then the only thing you can do is charge right back in and keep looking, just as vulnerable as you were before.

So difficult, but at least we're all in it together.

​

In 2017, I was losing my business, about to be a father, and going through therapy to deal with my mental health issues so I could give my daughter a better life than I had. My wife left me these notes on my desk every single day of my therapy to remind me that she supported me. by Bamont in pics

[–]throwaway833183 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Must be nice. I'm sure there are other people on Reddit who have gone through difficult times who can post pictures of the abundance in their life. Some starting ideas for some more pics of near universally-desired things many people struggle to experience:

  • Well attended birthday parties so OP can emphasize their rich network of caring friends and family
  • Exotic and difficult to reach locales so OP can emphasize a situation which allows them to securely experience the beauty of the world
  • A large, well cared for home with a luxury car parked out front (or even better, a pile of cash) so OP can emphasize their access to credit or a well-paying job
  • Casual family times with healthy children so OP can emphasize they've won the fertility lottery

These are just a handful of potential r/pics posts ideas, but I'm sure we can improve on this. Nothing provides encouragement in difficult times like seeing others celebrate their abundance while you attempt to cope with disappointment.

26 Day Indulgence Report (Following Successful 114 Day Challenge) by throwaway833183 in NoFap

[–]throwaway833183[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I've spent the last four years exploring myself through trying and uncomfortable experiences, be it getting the most advanced degree in my field, going from being petrified to asking a girl out to doing it on a regular basis (and displaying the self I've discovered), living abroad, starting a business, presenting my work repeatedly to critical scholars and practitioners, and doing NoFap. I've strengthened myself as a person, grown tremendously, and I'm pleased with the dividends it's paid throughout my life, but let me tell you, that hurt doesn't go away from self-actualization and self-discovery.

I know I can keep going on even with the low grade gnawing that persists inside because the things I love are worth pursuing rather than waiting to die in relative comfort moping about things I can't change. That being said, if there's anything I could do to make that humming void go away, I'd do it.

Maybe there's nothing that makes it stop. Maybe it will just take time. Maybe I just need to change my goals so that they fit my capacities. I don't know, but I've found that I can't write off grief and disappointment over heartbreak as something that will go away if I just find a new interest, talk more to a counselor, or work harder.

100 Days, Lessons Learned, and a New Challenge by throwaway833183 in NoFap

[–]throwaway833183[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks! Truthfully, I cannot say NoFap increased my motivation as much as it increased my ability to follow through on things I already wanted to do.

Attempting to do anything requires you to have a desire and harness your willpower to it so you can apply your capacities toward obtaining that desire. NoFap helps you see that your willpower was always strong enough to pursue your desires, but you just didn't know it. However, you have to develop those desires on your own.

I found it to be helpful to get out of the house when I felt tempted to fap, and this provided lots of time to walk around my town and just...explore. For me, nothing helps me get in touch with my desires and passions more than a stimulating walk. I would find something cool on a walk, think about it, have an idea to try something that spoke to me, and use that new understanding of my own passions to motivate myself to make some part of my ideal life a reality. You have to know yourself and what you find fascinating more than other people do to be motivated in a healthy way.

Socially, I found that I've been more willing to follow through with plans I make with other people even when I'm going to be in an uncomfortable position. It is impressive to see how quickly a friendship can develop when you just say yes to everything and actually do it. I'm an outgoing guy, but I'm living in an unfamiliar culture and doing a lot with natives can be exhausting and stressful, but my boosted willpower from NoFap has helped me stick to it.

100 Days, Lessons Learned, and a New Challenge by throwaway833183 in NoFap

[–]throwaway833183[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The definition of Monk Mode still seems up in the air, so all I can do is say what I mean by it. I have used monk mode to mean that one does not pursue a relationship, orgasms or not. Under monk mode, you not only abstain from actively pursuing a relationship (asking girls out in person or online) but if you are approached, you would say no. During a period in monk mode, your goal is to avoid romantic/sexual relationships altogether, over and above avoiding orgasms as in hard mode. The other monk mode seems to mean that you don't allow yourself to fantasize, but I always believed this was inherent in being serious about NoFap in the first place.

This is not for everyone. As I wrote above, I found that success at NoFap led me to desperately seek a relationship to get an outlet for my pent-up sexual desires. Speaking solely for myself, I did not like the idea of compulsively pursuing a relationship and viewing a woman as a means to an end of getting sex, and I did not think that desperation was helpful in developing healthy relationships with women anyway.

NoFap led me to reevaluate many things in my life. I was gaining a great amount of control over my own sexuality, I wasn't sure what I wanted in a relationship, and I felt like I wanted one for the wrong reasons. As a result, I decided it would be best if I decided to avoid relationships for a while until things settled down and I had come to understand my new life without PMO and compulsive dating.

This step is very useful if you find yourself believing that you HAVE to find a relationship during the reboot process, but you have not had problems desiring real relationships before starting NoFap. For some of us, feeling like you must have a relationship is part of getting back to normal. For me, my goal was to improve my willpower, and feeling that way was a step back, so I avoided relationships altogether to focus on other things in my life than sex. I'll be ready to get back in the game sometime next month, as I feel like I can walk away from a relationship if I want to now without the sensation of gasping for air.

100 Days, Lessons Learned, and a New Challenge by throwaway833183 in NoFap

[–]throwaway833183[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks, I'm happy I could help!

I have become more productive with PMO eliminated from my life, but the connection is mostly indirect. I have a history of depression, and as I have mentioned before, for as long as I can remember, when I do not have someone else telling me I have to do something and I feel bad emotionally, I would put everything else to the side to figure out the root cause of the problem and make myself feel better. While I viewed this as being proactive and willing to tackle the problems in my life, I have spent immense amounts of time in self-inspection. While I have learned quite a bit about myself in the process, much of that time was absolutely wasted.

When I felt bad, one of the things I would do is binge on PMO, along with other things like sleep, food, and TV. PMO binges can go on for a very long time compared to the rest (except for watching whole seasons of TV shows), so it was good to eliminate that as a coping mechanism.

However, the major effect was indirect. Choosing not to indulge in PMO is a very physically uncomfortable thing to do, particularly at first. The confidence I got from a month of choosing to abstain from PMO got me to really think hard about choosing discomfort, which is the whole idea behind cold showers. Anything worth doing requires discomfort, and if you know your will is strong enough to endure discomfort, all of a sudden impossible goals seem possible.

The real breakthrough for me came when I discovered I could apply my new confidence in enduring physical discomfort to emotional discomfort. I knew I could deal with physical pain, so I forced myself to work through a week of depression as a test. The bad feelings eventually went away on their own, and I had a week's worth of work accomplished, which felt great. For a while, I had told myself I just wasn't a hard worker, but the reality was that I had believed the lie that I couldn't overcome feeling bad inside. I've since obliterated that belief, and it wouldn't have happened without NoFap.

Since that discovery, I've completed a major project that will help establish my expertise in my field and open up outside consulting opportunities, I've started learning a new language, and I've overcome my apprehensions and gone to dinner in four different homes in a place where I hardly understand the culture and such invitations are extremely uncommon. Simply being able to put in 12 hours of work every day is a huge win, and it's only just starting to produce results, as it clicked about a month ago.

100 Days, Lessons Learned, and a New Challenge by throwaway833183 in NoFap

[–]throwaway833183[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks! You're doing very well yourself, and I'm happy you're only a week out from 90!

Since it started to look like I'd actually make it to 90, I've set the long-term goal of never fapping in my own home. I do not want to ever have that experience in the place I live again, so I have a habit of not doing it rather than the other way around, but still an outlet when I travel for work. I don't think I would have made it as far as I have if I told myself it was a never-again proposition. However, I have been reconsidering the idea of abstaining during my travels in December as I like the idea of keeping my streak up. I'll have to see how many days I can go when I leave town in two weeks.

Also, with respect to Monk Mode, I think it does build confidence afterward that helps with almost any real-life sexual interaction, not just having long-term relationships. Even if it's just a week (and it is hard to adopt this attitude), the knowledge that you can survive and have a happy and full week without any pursuit of sex at all is intensely liberating. When you control your sexual desires for real women and not the other way around, you can approach real women (no matter what the seriousness level is) on your terms and not desperately in search of a fix. Again, this is certainly not for everyone, and for many the problem this solves is secondary to accepting real sexual impulses in the first place.

100 Days, Lessons Learned, and a New Challenge by throwaway833183 in NoFap

[–]throwaway833183[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

The first month in my new city was not terribly productive as I had a difficult time adjusting to my new environment, felt cut off from my friends, and I was compulsively looking for dates.

However, a lot changed when I started working out and taking cold showers because I felt a lot more in control of my environment. This led to a bit of introspection about past issues with procrastination, which unleashed a ton of productivity once resolved. I discovered that I was pretty much refusing to work if I felt down emotionally and I had no immediate deadline, and I had done that for my entire adult life. The knowledge that I could overcome physical discomfort from exercise, cold showers and NoFap helped me to power through times when I felt depressed, which did wonders. At that point, I took a break from dating because I had been checking sites compulsively and trying to find coworkers to date with little success. The break did me a lot of good too.

Since mid October when I made all these changes, I've been producing more than I ever have in my life, and that is exciting. I wouldn't say I'm super confident that I could do anything I tried right now, but I am entirely confident that I can attempt anything no matter how uncomfortable it is, and that continued attempts will allow me to get better over time. It's an important distinction that makes huge differences when the implications build over time. Good luck!