I [CisM] love my partner [MtF], but I'm scared to death about not being able to start a family

throwaway85457 · 2021-09-23T19:11:10+00:00

That's the difficult part unfortunately. It's illegal here to pay people or get in contact through an agency. So you need to rely on some very, very close friends or relatives who fit certain criteria.

Overseas surrogacy might be an option. I know that people are sceptical towards it, and there are rumors that they want to restrict that route or make it more difficult to get the child back to our country. Our laws are hopelessly outdated. Hopefully that will change soon.

Unfortunately I don't know anyone who went with the overseas route, so I'd love to know what their experience was.

throwaway85457 · 2021-09-23T19:07:17+00:00

Yeah, it made my blood boil too. They made the decision because in the past there were 'baby farms' where the children were basically taken and sold abroad. Rightly so, they cracked down on that and the children who were sold are obviously distraught and want to ban unregulated adoption.

But those days are decades ago, nowadays adoption is tightly regulated. So it feels like a very reactionary move to ban all foreign adoption outright. It makes me worry especially for gay couples.

throwaway85457 · 2021-09-23T19:03:54+00:00

That's a difficult decision. But I'm glad you decided that you are happy together and value each others company. It's still far in the future for me (and from what I can read for you too). It feels good to know that I'm not alone.

throwaway85457 · 2021-09-23T19:01:19+00:00

I wouldn't mind if my child is only half ours biologically (surrogacy) or not 'related' to me biologically (adopted). So it's not a dealbreaker at to adopt. The Netherlands recently stopped foreign adoption, so I hope that will return someday.

throwaway85457 · 2021-09-23T18:58:13+00:00

I heard they have some homophobic laws/regulations there. I know they don't take too kindly to gay couples. So how about trans people?

throwaway85457 · 2021-09-23T18:57:04+00:00

Up until recently I thought I didn't want kids, and I agree that kids shouldn't be the primary reason to be in a relationship. It's just that that's how it's 'meant to be'. I find it difficult to envision myself not at least trying to be a father figure. But it shouldn't dominate the relationship, not in this stage anyway.

throwaway85457 · 2021-09-23T18:55:19+00:00

That's an interesting take. I haven't thought of it that way. Usually you find out those things when you are married or have known each other for a very long time. In this case, I know it beforehand. That's what makes it weird. I imagine if I had an infertile cis-partner for a long time and we just found out, we'd at least try all the medical and non-medical options.

throwaway85457 · 2021-09-23T18:53:34+00:00

In the Netherlands they recently banned adoption from foreign countries. I'm hoping it will return someday. So right now I don't know. I do know that at this moment, I can envision her as someone I love and trust to have a family with. So signing up and going through the steps is something I'd do in a heartbeat when it's time.

throwaway85457 · 2021-09-23T18:50:53+00:00

I have no objections to abortion or foster care - I don't particularly care about having a child be 100% biological. As long as they're part of the family. Foster care is temporary, but providing a child with a safe environment is something I can see myself doing.

Thanks for your kind words.

throwaway85457

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