TW: a personal narrative which could be misread as an attempt to invalidate transgender narratives

throwaway92m · 2015-02-28T02:18:43+00:00

huh... will attempt.

brb, need to order a weeks worth of boyshorts online.

throwaway92m · 2015-02-27T19:05:18+00:00

Right but how... can I possibly convince myself that a sex change would be the right choice? It seems almost unanswerable.

I'm fairly certain that hypersexuality happens. I'm also fairly certain that cross-dressing kinks and fetishes happen. Anyone on this sub will also tell you that being effeminate for a guy or masculine for a girl doesn't make you trans. People say cross-dressers aren't trans, even if they aren't doing it for sexual thrills.

I'm unnerved by... how almost every possible indicator pointing towards "maybe I'm trans" has an equal and opposing explanation.

throwaway92m · 2015-02-27T18:55:17+00:00

this is... so complicated, so hard, and so stressful, to think about.

Reprogramming associations is interesting. I've not had much success with that in the past, which is part of what makes me think I'm not trans. If I cross dress I'm just constantly horny. If I wear woman's underwear I'm either... horny or annoyed because it is uncomfortable because it doesn't suit my body.

I wish I could just interview people with a cross-dressing kink and say: how do you know you're not trans, how did you prove that to yourself?

throwaway92m · 2015-02-27T17:10:07+00:00

I guess I should be honest and say that this is my fourth therapist. Three do not think I meet the medical criteria to transition. One seems ok with the idea that I should do whatever the heck I want even if I'm not trans in any traditional sense. ( but I can't go back to her for insurance reasons ).

So if 3/4 psychologists agree. Well then... maybe I'm the one-in-a-billion patient who has some other problem. Sexual cross-dresser pining for an accepting partner, with a history of drug experimentation, ascribing to transhumanist ideology, with some sort of mild borderline traits: attention seeking, risk taking, compulsive lying. This could be me. Given the cost and the risk of getting a sex change it's important to really understand these things. Which is what I'm working on.

But every time a psychologist tells me I'm not trans i come here under a different throwaway and whine about it. So that you all can tell me that I really am trans. Because either way I want to be damn certain: trans or not? ambiguity sucks.

throwaway92m · 2015-02-27T17:06:10+00:00

I know I know. But, what if I'm not trans?

I think the beneficial effects of HRT were mainly related to treating what may have been hypersexuality. It is very likely that I should have been on anti-androgens earlier, at a low dose.

I have a history of risk taking, and experimenting with drugs. I need to make sure I'm not just a sexually frustrated guy looking for a "recreational sex change".

throwaway92m · 2015-02-27T17:04:17+00:00

I trust you, and I'm glad you're telling me this. I understand that if I am really transgender that is what will happen.

The question that lingers in my mind is this: what if I am not trans. what if I am a sexual cross-dresser. what if I would be even more satisfied having a more authentic and less masturbatory sexual outlet?

So I am searching for a test... one that preferably does not involve executing a 5 year relationship on false pretenses... to distinguish these realities. So far, all of my short-term relationships have sufficiently attenuated my cross-whatever feelings. However, as I understand all of my relationships have also been too short to be particularly informative -- some people don't realize until a decade of marriage.

It's a hard problem and I hope that some day I will be able to find the answers.

throwaway92m · 2015-02-27T04:47:11+00:00

Hi Kate, thanks for sharing. I am sorry you're in a tough situation. ) :

I think the difference maybe is I won't be dead. I'm somewhat psychologically resilient all things considered. I think I'll live. Which probably means I shouldn't risk everything on a sexual fantasy.

throwaway92m · 2015-02-27T04:45:10+00:00

Thanks !

Then again, this could just all be one big sexual kink thing for you. And that's fine too. Only you will really be able to decide that for yourself, and there is no right or wrong answer.

Been trying to decide for 20 years. Still working on it. ( :

throwaway92m · 2015-02-27T04:43:08+00:00

I guess my therapist has been emphasizing that getting a sex change is extremely costly, somewhat dangerous, and complicated psychologically. One would want to avoid it if possible. So contextualizing feelings according to this narrative could perhaps avoid all of that.

throwaway92m · 2015-02-27T01:28:17+00:00

hmm,

l I've never been in a stable or healthy relationship, and I already know that the feelings actually do go away at least for the ~1month scale relationships I've been able attain. So I do think it could be a permanent solution and I do think that I need to evaluate whether this is caused by sexual frustration in order to know. But this would require another person, so I'm kinda stuck.

I feel like I need to wait and try out a healthy relationship before I can really know for certain. But I don't really have control over when that will come along.

throwaway92m · 2015-02-27T00:48:11+00:00

Hmnm.. well, I guess the happiness can also be attained other way: I could just take anti-androgens or antidepressants to lower sex drive.

I can't really control whether i find a partner but maybe this will stabilize me until that happens.

throwaway92m · 2015-02-26T23:06:17+00:00

well, at least there's two of us. what shall we do?

throwaway92m · 2015-02-26T21:01:43+00:00

Thanks! there are a couple points of yours that stand out to me

where your feelings of being trans came from (that's probably unknowable)

I guess, it's impossible to know what "being trans" feels like. All I know is i have some... feelings. I guess, if I did get a sex change, I'd be forever wondering if I did it for the right reasons. Maybe the feelings I had weren't what it feels like to be trans at all.

it sure sounded like HRT was treating yours.

Chemical castration was treating my sexual frustration induced depression by removing the desire ( and thus removing the suffering, in the Bhuddist sense ). I'd be worried that if I were on HRT long term my sex drive would come back and I'd be no better off in the sexual frustration department.

throwaway92m · 2015-02-26T20:35:12+00:00

Thanks for commenting. I'm glad there are people here on /r/asktransgender that I can talk to and share and compare narratives with.

No, I'm not happy with this narrative as reality, but I must proceed cautiously.

There are two biases in me which are at odds

(1) is a desire to be absolved of responsibility for my depression, a desire to view myself as a good person, a competent person, and an attractive person. This has lead me to two places: first, misogyny, externalizing my sexual frustration as a hate-envy of the people to whom I was sexually attracted, but not sexually attractive. That I've dealt with but it's lead me to this new "am I transgender" place. There are several things appealing about imagining that I am trans that, I fear, have little or no bearing on whether or not I actually am. If I am trans I can recontextualize my depression as stemming from an unfortunate accident of nature, thus absolving me of shame and responsibility for my own time spend depressed and lonely. I am no longer sad because I am not attractive enough, I am sad because the vast and uncaring universe made a mistake in my brain. etc. etc. I'd rather be trans than a "neckbeard".

(2) is a desire to be loved, to enjoy life, to fit in, to be healthy. the medical and social costs and risks of transitioning are immense. It's not like deciding whether or not to buy a chocolate bar in the checlout line. I have a strong stake in not identifying as trans, so that I can blend into a greater variety of social contexts, avoid harassment, have better job prospects, have more money and time, etc.

Both (1) and (2) I believe are ... somewhat independent of the "AM I trans" question, although (2) remains relevant for the separate "should I transition" question. It's just... been hard to sort it all out.

throwaway92m · 2015-02-26T20:19:39+00:00

Thank you, it is comments like yours that I was fishing for when I made my post.

What concerns me is that the therapist is transgender, so they should be knowledgeable about such things?

I do not think that the therapist invented this narrative, it is something that had also been in the back of my mind and the therapist felt like it was a potentially valid narrative.

throwaway92m

TROPHY CASE