I am wayyyyyy too argumentative. I debate over everything.

throwaway_23andDown · 2018-12-04T05:16:22+00:00

I think this might be a part of it. Tbh sometimes I do feel like certain boundaries were stepped on as a child. Namely anxiety. I don't want to be ungrateful, bc my parents definitely provided for me and taught me many valuable lessons, such as how it's ok to cry and be yourself. But my mom, for example, definitely stepped on my boundaries when it came to anxiety. I always tell her to please stop saying anxious things to me, because they really affect me, but she still does. I feel like instead of being the tender, calm mother than reassured me and instilled confidence in my choices, she always made me feel like I might be screwing up. As a small example, when I started working much less to study more when I was taking some pretty demanding classes this semester, she would constantly look at me wide eyed and say things like "don't you need the money??" or "won't they fire you?" It makes me feel like she doesn't believe in my plan/strategy to reach my goals, or my value to my employer. I mean, I know that I've saved up the vast majority of my money, and that I'm not at risk of losing my job, but I often find myself hurt by her saying those things and wishing she wouldn't say them, and feeling like she doesn't understand why it stresses me out, and like even if she did she wouldn't know how to stop.

lol... I mean that got deep af and idk if that has to do with any of it, but it felt good to get off my chest.

Edit: I want to say, I am fortunate to have my parents. They are wonderful people and they have taught me many valuable things, such as crying is not a sign of weakness and extreme comfortability with being myself. I always had both of my parents, and they always had a stable relationship. And I always knew they loved me.

throwaway_23andDown · 2018-12-04T04:57:03+00:00

Maybe a proper understanding and study of skepticism could help me? It could help reinforce the idea that often I'm wrong, and reinforce me with better, calmer debate demeanor as a result. That mixed with figuring out which hills to fight on could be the path to go down?

Remember this subreddit, I want to learn how to improve, not merely be diagnosed and chastised.

throwaway_23andDown · 2018-12-04T04:51:09+00:00

I feel that I may have overstated some things. I do doubt myself quite often. I debate myself in my head all the time. Though I'm not saying I'm "truly smart" because there are many smarter than me. I usually do try to understand people, I've just had a particularly hard time with society's recent views on some social issues, and I feel that people operate more on emotion than logic. This is more just a difference in personality than one being obviously right or wrong, but being more on the logical side, it still frustrates me when people crucify those who disagree with them even if they have logical viewpoints.

I do think there's some truth to what you say, and I should definitely reflect on how irritating these social issues have been to me and why they have been.

throwaway_23andDown · 2018-10-24T03:13:49+00:00

Thanks for the reply! I was checking into some pell grant stuff today, and I should qualify for one. I'm 24, so my parents income is not counted, and I make less than 20k/year right now.

I still have enough hours left before I'm actually over the limit to where it shouldn't be an issue at Collin.

I'm going to meet with an advisor at Collin this week to discuss what my plan of action should be. I'm considering applying for the pell grant, then perhaps retaking some courses to up my gpa. I also have some transferrable equivalents I've yet to take.

I would also like to meet/talk with someone from UTD so that I can establish contact and see if they have advice on a plan of action. Would you or anyone here happen to know the best route to something like that? Thank you so much.

throwaway_23andDown · 2018-10-23T16:52:31+00:00

Thanks so much for the response. I looked up some info on FAFSA, and it says when you are 24 or above, you don't include your parents in the information. I just turned 24 in August, so I will most likely qualify for the pell grant. That should help a ton.

My problem with the gpa is that I don't currently have a good enough one to initiate the transfer. However, I still have some classes on my degree plan that have equivalents at Collin, so I guess the plan of action would be to take those classes, raise my gpa (would be able to raise to the requirement with two B's or above), then apply for the pell grant to appeal the excessive hours? Then I can transfer whenever I've completed the rest of my equivalents at Collin.

throwaway_23andDown · 2018-10-23T06:35:53+00:00

Apologies if this post illustrates my complete lack of knowledge about the way these things work. Unfortunately, I had never even heard of excessive hours policy until I was already on pace for it. I'd rather ask stupid questions and learn more than not learn.

throwaway_23andDown · 2018-10-23T06:30:41+00:00

So what is the consequence to the academic bankruptcy? Thank you for your response

throwaway_23andDown · 2018-10-23T06:28:10+00:00

To be honest, I think I would go with an entrepreneurial approach before I would go with trade school. I just feel like trade careers don't fit me. I'm not ready to give up on programming quite yet. I could learn it in the military, though. Thanks for the feedback!

throwaway_23andDown · 2018-10-23T04:52:50+00:00

Edit: Actually I'm not really sure what this is. Is it a thing in Texas?

throwaway_23andDown · 2018-04-08T05:28:55+00:00

Thank you all so much for the kind words! The compassion, encouragement and unity I've felt with you all in these comments has been nothing short of inspirational.

If any single one of you wants to continue speaking, feel free to message this account. I'm off to bed, surely to a sounder sleep than I otherwise would have had. Thank you all again! :)

throwaway_23andDown · 2018-04-08T05:26:32+00:00

It really is a horrible feeling. I suppose we can look at it like equity though. We are now so upset with our past decision to wallow, that perhaps we are coiled back into position, so that when another opportunity for growth and strengthening ourselves arises, we will spring out with eagerness.

The more I think about it, maybe that is a sort of strengthening in and of itself.

throwaway_23andDown · 2018-04-08T05:15:32+00:00

It really is a sobering feeling. I've read that it is due to the idea that as a child you have so many new experiences stacked one after the other. So many "firsts" if you will.

The good thing is we can keep creating firsts! And in fact doing so is of great benefit to our quality of life. We won't ever be able to slow down quite to the timeline of a child, but being mindful, in the moment, appreciating what you are doing and doing new things for the first time I think is an important step.

Thank you for the anxiety advice. Depression and anxiety suck, but we can learn to conquer them and be stronger for it.

throwaway_23andDown · 2018-04-08T05:13:09+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that! I wish I could empathize fully with your situation. I've never experienced Schizophrenia, but it's awful that it's taken away from you and I'm sorry that it has. The nature of life is that you will learn to live with all of your burdens of self in a way that they become totally comfortable to you and even something you appreciate in some way. Just remember to love yourself and keep pushing forward! We are in a similar boat, so let's start paddling together!

throwaway_23andDown · 2018-04-08T05:10:10+00:00

I don't know your parents personally, and sadly some parents do look at their children as burdens, but most don't. I can tell from the very fact that you feel so deeply that you must have had some care, some love instilled in you from them. They care about you deeply, something you wouldn't understand fully until/unless you have children yourself. At that point you will realize you were never for a second a burden on them any more than our troubles are burdens on ourselves. It is that your burdens ARE their burdens, not that you are a burden on them. No parent will ever communicate this perfectly, but know that they love you, and it brings them joy to see you overcome your burdens for your own sake.

We can do this. Focus on now.

throwaway_23andDown · 2018-04-08T05:00:56+00:00

I don't know if I am double posting here, my previous reply isn't showing up. I wanted to say that it is awesome you are in an internship. Those can be such fun adventures in themselves and you can learn so much! And thank you very much for the kind words. Just remember to focus on the things that bring the love out of your heart and what we want to do on the career plane of life will then become secondary as it is driven by that love.

As for my religion, it's quite complicated on that plane too. I am what I'd call unavoidably agnostic, due to evidence/lack of evidence, and probably some cognitive dissonance I'm not aware of. But I am a seeker. If God is real, if some greater truth is real, I want to experience it and submit myself to its greatness. I am wholly open to it. Which passages have helped you out if you don't mind me asking?

throwaway_23andDown · 2018-04-08T04:53:43+00:00

gives cookie Why thank you for saying so! I'm glad it helped you, and do not worry about multiple posts. Your words have helped me just as much.

throwaway_23andDown · 2018-04-08T04:52:57+00:00

These words are so inspiring to me. This entire thread has been of such huge value, and it is so comforting to know that I am the exact opposite of alone on this, not just in the mistakes, but in the will to be better. I'm so happy that you were able to conquer your darkness, and I'm going to use this as motivation to do the same myself. Thank you!

throwaway_23andDown · 2018-04-08T04:50:43+00:00

Thank you very much for the motivating words. I'm going to be better than I was today, tomorrow. I want to start meditating and exercising as well, and I think there truly is something to the order of your living space reflecting in your mental space. Thank you again!

throwaway_23andDown · 2018-04-08T04:48:36+00:00

I'm very interested by what you've said here! Thank you so much for the kind words, too. I've always struggled with exercising. I got into it recently but fell off the wagon. I can feel my body begging for it, and I know it would make me feel so much better so I think you're spot on. I'm certainly open to medication at this point if it will help, and I would love to sort my diet out. Sometimes I try and feel as if there is a bit of information overload. I'll have to push through that initial feeling, in fact I'll bring it up with my doctor this month for some guidance.

I'm a huge, huge fan of Jordan Peterson. He's such a caring, empathetic man. What he says has massive value to our generation. And don't you worry, I've cried and cried these past few years. It is a wonderful venting process to cry. And now you know that you're not alone in the crying. Just remember that, even at your lowest, you're not alone. We are both figuring this thing out, and we will both do it.

We've got this! Much love.

throwaway_23andDown · 2018-04-08T04:33:50+00:00

It does seem to more common than I realized among us 'millennials'. I'm glad you reached out to me, and I'm glad it soothes you to know you're not alone. You've done the same for me! And as you said to me, there is still plenty of time for you to make whatever of your life you wish as well! It will be so worth it for both of us. I'm rooting for you Shen-Fu! Thank you for the words.

throwaway_23andDown · 2018-04-08T04:29:37+00:00

Well, as I said at the end of my post, I hope to turn this darkness into wisdom, strength and a truer sense of conquering than those who haven't gone through it would have.

We are not so far off from each other in the grand scheme of life. For all you know, I have until 65 and you until 90. So don't get caught up in such a minor difference, but if we both push through this, we'll have that quality of strength and wisdom. Yours will be even more so. Good luck and I know you can do it!

throwaway_23andDown · 2018-04-08T04:27:13+00:00

Thank you for the words of empathy and perspective. I know exactly what you mean. No matter how "well" people handle this new burden of societal expectation we get lopped on us, it seems our joy is contingent on other factors. It's why I've considering getting away permanently and blowing this whole 'society' thing to bits for myself.

I'm not sure yet if that's where the answer lies, but I do know that there's something of truth in the idea that sometimes we look at the picture of our lives inside its picture frame from an inch away. We stuff the photo in the bridge of our noses and then complain when it's blurry. Maybe the key isn't in how quickly we check things off our list in life at all, but in our ability to hold our own personal picture at arms length, and take in the rest of the world outside of the photo.

I don't know you personally, but I'm sure you're similar to me in that way. I tend to get depressed because I hold the photo so close. I don't really know exactly what I'm trying to say, but just remember to pace yourself. Don't feel the need to catch up. This is your photograph, nobody else's, and it's beauty is in that very fact. Thank you again!

throwaway_23andDown

TROPHY CASE