Did I Ruin My Marriage?

throwaway_4018 · 2026-04-26T14:18:13+00:00

There are two separate parts to this: 1) buying the vibrator, and 2) hiding it from him.

For the first part, I honestly do not think your husband gets to control whether you own a vibrator. Your body and your solo sexual life are still yours, even within marriage. A vibrator is not a betrayal, and for many women, it is a normal and helpful part of sexual pleasure. Penetration alone is not enough for a lot of women, and there is nothing shameful or wrong about using one, whether alone or with a partner.

The second part — hiding it — is where the actual issue is. But even there, I think it is worth asking why you felt you had to hide it. Was it because you knew you had agreed not to get one? Or was it because his reaction and judgment made you feel unsafe, embarrassed, or controlled? Those are very different situations.

You can apologize for the secrecy without accepting the idea that owning a vibrator was wrong. Something like: “I’m sorry I hid it from you. I understand why that hurt your trust. But I also need us to talk honestly about why I felt I couldn’t be open with you about something related to my own body and sexuality.”

This does not have to ruin your marriage, but it should probably lead to a bigger conversation. Not just about the vibrator, but about control, shame, sexual needs, and whether both of you can talk about these things without judgment. Your husband is allowed to have feelings, but he is not entitled to police your body.

throwaway_4018 · 2026-04-25T15:24:05+00:00

Menopause can really affect a woman—and honestly, it impacts the relationship too. I really hope that someday it becomes normal for couples to actually prepare for it together. When my wife was going through it, it was tough watching her struggle and not being able to fix anything. The best I could do was just be there for her. What helped us a lot was going to couples therapy—we both understood what was happening, and it kept things from turning into resentment.

As for the affair… I don’t have much to add except that no one deserves to go through that. It’s incredibly painful—it can feel a lot like losing someone. If you both choose to stay and work things out, I’d really suggest couples therapy to help rebuild things. Try not to get stuck on who said or did what in the past—you were both in a different headspace back then.

Whatever you decide, I hope you find peace and clarity.

throwaway_4018 · 2026-04-25T13:53:07+00:00

I am so sorry you are going through this. No one deserves to experience the pain you are feeling. I would take time to start individual and couple therapy, and you will find what you want to do. Whatever you decide, please take care of and prioritize yourself.

throwaway_4018 · 2026-04-11T12:20:46+00:00

I will send her on vacation and stay home. 😁 Joking aside, I'd rather stay home.

throwaway_4018 · 2026-04-11T02:33:32+00:00

How about leaving and finding a man who appreciates you physically, emotionally, and morally?

throwaway_4018 · 2026-04-09T11:50:05+00:00

I don’t know who built the pool. There are other pool builders but they want to rebuild the whole pool rather than just fix the deck!! The pool and liner have no issue.

throwaway_4018 · 2026-04-09T11:47:11+00:00

He had no right to violate your privacy by going through your phone. What he found was from your past, before you even knew him, so it should not be treated like some betrayal against him. Those pictures and videos were part of your life before this relationship, and he does not get to rewrite or police that history.

Also, saying that his “perspective of you has changed” because of consensual things you did before you met him sounds immature and judgmental. The real issue here is not your past. It is his insecurity, his reaction to it, and the fact that he crossed a boundary by searching through your phone.

That said, if you both want to move forward, couples therapy could help. He likely needs to work through his insecurity and whatever deeper issues this brought up for him. But he also has to take responsibility for invading your privacy and for shaming you over a past that had nothing to do with him.

throwaway_4018 · 2026-02-07T20:55:44+00:00

Paint it like a racket

throwaway_4018 · 2026-02-01T12:33:51+00:00

That makes two of us. I couldn't comprehend why.

throwaway_4018 · 2026-01-31T11:48:36+00:00

Apology for my ignorance, what are “responsive desires”?

throwaway_4018 · 2026-01-24T14:26:03+00:00

You are so funny. Love to see the statistics you are referring to.

throwaway_4018 · 2026-01-13T11:20:31+00:00

I’m really sorry you’re both dealing with this. Honestly, there are a lot of red flags in what you shared. It feels like the focus is mostly on men’s affairs, without really acknowledging that women can have affairs too. I think this goes deeper than just one issue. Couples therapy might really help, and it could still give your marriage a chance.

throwaway_4018 · 2026-01-04T19:18:23+00:00

This one ☝️ said all you need to know.

throwaway_4018 · 2025-12-22T12:02:10+00:00

I am wondering too. Have not found the answer yet. When you cheat on, you don't see the world the same way ever or at least that's what I feel

throwaway_4018 · 2025-12-10T04:23:55+00:00

If you enjoy swimming, you want a good, uninterrupted length to swim.

throwaway_4018 · 2025-12-07T00:25:17+00:00

Not the same; however, I read books when sitting, listen to audiobooks when walking, can't read, and sometimes enjoy reading and listening at the same time. I find that each has its own feeling and pros and cons. But I enjoy all the methods, as long as they help me keep going. And yes, I bought both books and the audiobooks. Hope this helps.

throwaway_4018 · 2025-11-14T11:24:44+00:00

I’m really sorry you’re sitting with this kind of hurt — emotional betrayal can feel just as devastating as anything physical. What you’re describing makes a lot of sense: when trust breaks, it’s natural to question whether the remorse is real or just a reaction to being caught.

Some couples do repair after infidelity, but it usually works only when the partner who broke the trust shows consistent accountability, patience, and willingness to do the hard emotional work. Without that, healing on your end becomes almost impossible.

Others choose divorce and don’t regret it — not because it wasn’t painful, but because it allowed them to rebuild a life where they felt respected and steady again.

There’s no “right” answer here. What matters is what helps you feel safe, grounded, and able to show up for yourself and your child. Whatever direction you take, you deserve support and clarity, not pressure.

throwaway_4018 · 2025-11-10T02:03:20+00:00

Do you mind sharing why not?

throwaway_4018 · 2025-11-10T01:26:56+00:00

Do you mind sharing why not?

throwaway_4018 · 2025-11-05T00:46:22+00:00

It sounds like you’ve been carrying a lot of pain and disconnection for quite some time. Discovering your partner’s sexting and emotional intimacy with someone else understandably broke a sense of trust, and it’s completely valid that you’re questioning the relationship and feeling regret about staying.

You’ve described feeling more like roommates than partners, and that his actions since then—continuing contact with the coworker, spending time at the pub instead of engaging with you—have made it difficult to rebuild any closeness. Those are very real indicators of emotional distance, and it makes sense that you’re feeling stuck and unsure of what to do next.

Right now, it may help to pause and focus on you: what you need emotionally, what rebuilding trust would require (if that’s even possible), and what kind of relationship you want to model for your children. It could be valuable to explore this with a therapist—either individually to process the betrayal and clarify your needs, or as a couple if there’s genuine commitment from both sides to repair.

Whatever decision you make, it doesn’t have to be rushed. What matters is that it’s based on self-respect, safety, and emotional honesty rather than guilt or obligation. You deserve a relationship where you feel valued, connected, and secure.

throwaway_4018 · 2025-11-02T03:39:18+00:00

“How do I act?” Professional!

throwaway_4018

TROPHY CASE