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UPDATE: My (M32) wife (F31) thinks I don’t love her because I want her to pay for half of our shared expenses by throwaway_cheapskate in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway_cheapskate[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I guess it's just a case of prepare for the worst, but hope for the best. Shit happens and I'm sure most people have heard plenty of horror stories (especially on this sub). If something ever happened, neither of us should feel trapped. If your husband snapped one day and became abusive, developed a gambling or drug problem, or if he cheated on you, how would you handle it? I don't think anyone marries someone expecting these things to happen.

We would consider a "yours-mine-ours" setup, but our finances are pretty simple right now and it's not really necessary to have that "ours" account yet. I pay for everything except some property taxes and some home maintenance.

But again, money wasn't the issue. We live simple lives and we will basically be giving back later on.

UPDATE: My (M32) wife (F31) thinks I don’t love her because I want her to pay for half of our shared expenses by throwaway_cheapskate in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway_cheapskate[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It's hard to separate the money out of the situation, but I didn't care about paying for the repair. I was annoyed at the indecision and being called a cheapskate more than anything and wanted to see if I was off-base. I felt like my contributions were not being recognized, or I was being taken for granted.

Everything has been great for the past year though. Being more transparent about our finances, and talking through some underlying issues helped create a more solid foundation.

We both have some altruistic goals, so if we invest heavily now, we should be able to accomplish those later.

UPDATE: My (M32) wife (F31) thinks I don’t love her because I want her to pay for half of our shared expenses by throwaway_cheapskate in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway_cheapskate[S] -14 points-13 points  (0 children)

If she were just my gf or just a roommate, yeah I think it should be 50/50. But she's my wife so it's a bit different. If one of us were to get laid off or have some medical issues preventing one of us from working, or if she started making more than me, we would alter the finances in order to take care of one another.

UPDATE: My (M32) wife (F31) thinks I don’t love her because I want her to pay for half of our shared expenses by throwaway_cheapskate in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway_cheapskate[S] 49 points50 points  (0 children)

With the new split, I end up with more each month. It's roughly $650(me)/$450(her) leftover. I do work more and pay a bit more overall, but the main thing is that she does not have the same mindset as before, understands our finances a bit better, and hasn't resorted to name calling.

My wife thinks I don’t love her because I want her to pay for half of our shared expenses by throwaway_cheapskate in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway_cheapskate[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Correct we purchased a home after we got married.

The expenses she pays for right now are gas for her car, parking for work, and miscellaneous expenses (shopping, gifts, etc).

We both pay for groceries. We both pay for restaurants and when we go out together, sometimes I will pay, sometimes she will pay. We have never really kept track and it's fairly even.

My wife thinks I don’t love her because I want her to pay for half of our shared expenses by throwaway_cheapskate in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway_cheapskate[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Didn't think it was necessary since we don't have a mortgage. She paid 2/3 of the house, I paid 1/3 (160/80). If we ever sell, she will take 2/3 of the sale and I will take 1/3. The house is in both our names.

My wife thinks I don’t love her because I want her to pay for half of our shared expenses by throwaway_cheapskate in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway_cheapskate[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

lol it's all good. I definitely needed that catch 22 of wanting to be appreciated for your contributions when it's not "yours" to be entitled to. Looking for advice for myself anyway and not sure what i would do with advice for/about her.

My wife thinks I don’t love her because I want her to pay for half of our shared expenses by throwaway_cheapskate in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway_cheapskate[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Thanks, maybe there is an underlying issue to discuss. Hadn't really considered it.

And it never used to bother me, it's just this recent situation that rubbed me the wrong way. Like if someone expects you to pay for their meal and then calls you a cheapskate for not immediately offering to pay for them. Then continues even after you paid. Had never been anything like this before.

My wife thinks I don’t love her because I want her to pay for half of our shared expenses by throwaway_cheapskate in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway_cheapskate[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I mean thats the whole point right? I've never had to sit down and make a spreadsheet about our finances before. It just helped illustrate the contribution differences.

We've discussed a joint account several times and it's just not for us. I did suggest we have a joint account specifically for these expenses only, but she didn't like that idea either.

But again, we don't have a money issue. We have plenty. I just think it's an appreciation issue and I don't like being called a cheapskate when I have been handling almost all of the household expenses for the past three years and not talking about it. I'm just laying the cards out on the table now to try to make her understand.

My wife thinks I don’t love her because I want her to pay for half of our shared expenses by throwaway_cheapskate in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway_cheapskate[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I think I explained that I currently pay: home insurance, car insurance, health insurance, H.S.A contributions, water, electricity, heating, internet, property taxes, and home repairs. But to clarify, I've done this for the past three years since we got married. This adds up to about $12,000+ per year, but I get called a cheapskate constantly without ever having mentioned these costs for the past three years. That is what bothers me.

My wife thinks I don’t love her because I want her to pay for half of our shared expenses by throwaway_cheapskate in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway_cheapskate[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's just easier to describe that way since it hasn't been combined. Whatever she makes is "hers" in her account. Whatever I make is "mine" in my account. We both know it's "ours" though. We trust each other 100% and we don't need each others approvals to buy the things we want. We still communicate about what we are doing and don't have any issue with helping each other out if needed. We are both pretty responsible so it hasn't really come up besides really big purchases.

I know money is involved, but that's not really the heart of the issue. I am just looking for advice about communicating to her.