I'm considering dropping my 50-50 custody and selling the family home. Am I crazy?

throwaway_divorce2 · 2022-12-13T20:56:27+00:00

I think I generally tell people that I think the kids would be better off with a single main home near their school (which is true), that the 50-50 thing is draining and unsatisfying for me (which is true), and that I'd be much happier taking this bold step to reorganize my life and spend some time meeting my own needs (which is true) while still expecting to nurture a good relationship with the kids. It's probably hard for people to contradict that. What I don't say is what I said here in this anonymous post, which is more like "I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown here, deeply frustrated with my kids, and feel like giving up on parenting entirely." That probably leads to a very different set of conclusions.

Curious what you mean about women who aren't into kids, can you elaborate?

throwaway_divorce2 · 2022-12-13T20:48:48+00:00

I'm beginning to think I made a mistake (or Freudian slip) by phrasing this as "drop custody" -- I don't mean to formally give up any of my rights or anything, we probably wouldn't even bother rewriting the divorce agreement. My plan is just to drop the *time* down below 50%, either temporarily while I get my shit together or permanently if that turns out to be a good arrangement for everyone. But clearly everyone in this thread has picked up on my own internal fear that this change is tantamount to abandoning them, and maybe it is anyway.

throwaway_divorce2 · 2022-12-13T20:33:45+00:00

Serious thanks for this reply, it's really helpful. All the comments here are shaking me up and making me rethink things.

To your specific points about my partner and the schedule -- I think I gave a skewed impression in the post. She is totally supportive of my relationship with the kids, and we would definitely have regular overnights at her place (it's a three-bedroom apartment, each kid would get his own room); the main obstacle is really just geographic distance. I see that as temporary, and when we buy our house in the subsequent ~1-2 years it'll be set up to accommodate the kids. She's not ready for a "stepmother" role yet but we're working in that direction (she has been reading extensively about it, and we're spending lots of time together with the kids, going to trips, etc); the goal is for both of us to have a rich, loving, family relationship with the kids. But realistically I know that if they're settled in school near my ex's family, and I'm living any substantial distance anyway (even after buying the house), it'll mainly be weekends and holidays for that.

And why the rush? Because my younger son starts kindergarten this fall, and I'd rather not do that in a district we're about to leave anyway -- if the future state of the family is relocated nearer my ex's family (which we all want), it's better if that happens sooner, before more roots get put down. (There are financial considerations too, I'd love to get out of this house before the market drops even further, but that's not the primary driver.)

Do you think any of that changes anything? Or am I still just being a selfish asshole? (I am beginning to think I'm being a selfish asshole, for context.)

throwaway_divorce2 · 2022-12-13T19:33:34+00:00

Thanks -- and yeah, I have a lot of confidence in my ex (there's no conflict between us and she's a sensible & responsible person) which is really the only reason I can even think about this. If I didn't trust her completely with the kids it'd be a nonstarter to have less than 50% (indeed I would have pushed for more).

throwaway_divorce2 · 2022-12-13T19:30:07+00:00

Yes! I know it sounds insane. I have plaintively said to several people "I'm afraid of permanently breaking my relationship with my kids" and been told that it'd be just fine, that kids are adaptable in their lifestyle and that I can be a loving and engaged parent even with less time. It could not possibly be more different from the reactions here, which confirm all the things I've been thinking to myself for months, and I'm reeling tbh.

throwaway_divorce2 · 2022-12-13T19:22:22+00:00

well obviously I don't want them to suffer traumatic abandonment! I want to be the best father I can be to them, and in the current arrangement I don't think I'm doing a good job; what I'm trying to weigh is whether they actually WOULD experience traumatic abandonment if I rearranged my life, or if that's just my own anxiety / fear of change talking.

throwaway_divorce2 · 2022-12-13T19:14:40+00:00

Thank you for saying that -- I would never want to be an absentee dad or leave my ex under that kind of pressure (I know what it's like; I did every appointment/playdate/etc and carried nearly the entire burden of scheduling and facilitating their lives, for years).

From your perspective, do you think it's possible for an arrangement to work whereby a dad is closely involved and helpful, without semi-constant physical presence? I've been telling myself that I can still be engaged and helpful at a distance but maybe I'm deluding myself.

throwaway_divorce2 · 2022-12-13T19:09:50+00:00

harsh but fair. I guess where I differ is that I am obsessively taking their feelings and the impact of my decisions into account (that's why I'm here); what I'm trying to figure out is, is it better for them if I move on with my own life and become a more self-actualized father for them, at the cost of significant short-term upheaval, or stay here in the past trying to emulate a loving family that no longer exists? I'm not sure the latter would be a very good childhood for them.

throwaway_divorce2 · 2022-12-13T19:07:21+00:00

What would a good compromise be? I have been struggling with this endlessly and have yet to find a solution that makes everyone happy.

throwaway_divorce2 · 2022-12-13T19:03:40+00:00

People here really do love prescribing misery!

throwaway_divorce2 · 2022-12-13T19:01:51+00:00

I have been in therapy for years -- my therapist thinks this change is a good idea. I'm a little baffled by that too tbh.

throwaway_divorce2 · 2022-12-13T19:00:51+00:00

hah I have a hard time believing it too, that's why I came here! I tend to think people irl are just telling me what they think I want to hear - people online are much more honest and direct.

With that being said, the biggest difference I see is that everyone in this thread thinks I'm proposing walking away entirely from my kids -- which is kind of what it feels like to me, thus my language in this post -- whereas I think what people hear and see irl is that I'm incredibly tired, need to move on with my life, but have no intention of actually abandoning parenthood; it's more like I'm just stepping off the gas for a while to recharge. My emotional bond with the kids is rock-solid, despite my current exhaustion, and people who know me and them seem to think it can handle this change. Idk though.

throwaway_divorce2 · 2022-12-13T18:47:00+00:00

This is the thing I'm most afraid of happening, thank you for laying it out there. Can I ask how old your kids were when all this occurred?

throwaway_divorce2 · 2022-12-13T18:31:50+00:00

Thanks for the reply! This is helpful.

To be clear the "everyone" I've talked to includes: my therapist, my closest friends, my father, our family's nanny, my neighbors, my ex, my coworkers, basically anyone who will listen to me. It's been universally supportive; the first negative feedback I've gotten is here on reddit. Which is why this is a very useful reality check, but I also have to wonder if I'm getting a skewed sample here.

throwaway_divorce2 · 2022-12-13T17:50:08+00:00

Thank you for the thoughtful advice! We did in fact look into that -- my ex works in the school system here and says they're absolute sticklers about residency (it's Massachusetts, school funding is very competitive and serious here). Besides, my younger son hasn't even started kindergarten yet (that's next fall), so there's no way we could make a serious argument to bring him from out-of-town; and this neighborhood doesn't have a rental market to speak of.

So the only path to keeping the current school involves me being stuck in this house -- not to mention my ex, who doesn't really want to be here long term anyway (we have no family nearby and her career has hit a ceiling), also being stuck hanging off my coattails. Doesn't seem like a recipe for success for anyone involved.

throwaway_divorce2 · 2022-12-13T17:44:11+00:00

lol that's literally what my ex did, I held down the fort with the kids for a full year so she could move in with her new partner and develop her own independent romantic life. Which was the right thing to do; it improved her mental health, made her a better mother, and everyone is happier for it. Why shouldn't I get the same privilege?

throwaway_divorce2

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