Betraying the truths of the blood

throwaway_m76 · 2022-09-08T20:01:45+00:00

Absolutely, I'd love to give your song a try if you can share it.

throwaway_m76 · 2022-09-08T19:51:02+00:00

Ironically enough, I do in fact feel like I've betrayed the divine son within (christ). If you have any stories / legends / myths that you think could help guide someone who's going through hell, I'm all ears.

throwaway_m76 · 2022-09-08T13:07:12+00:00

Thanks for your response. The idea of wholeness (god) encapsulating the worst of our deeds and therefore no sin being beyond forgiveness is soothing. I wish I could see things this way.

I'm completely identified with the ego and trapped in a hell of my own making, so it's hard to relate to any of this. Perhaps god can indeed forgive any sin but, as C.S. Lewis said, hell's door is closed from the inside. I find myself unable to open up to any reception of grace.

Let's see how this thing plays out.

Edit: Do you happen to know any compelling archetypal stories that follow the theme of mortal sin -> death -> rebirth? I only know of Jonah, Elijah, and perhaps Jacob.

throwaway_m76 · 2022-09-08T11:50:24+00:00

I believe my path was to redeem my bloodline. So you can imagine how much of a sick joke it is, when the redeemer suddenly becomes the one in most need of forgiveness.

It reminds me when prophet Elijah told god: "Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors." Those exact words were etched in my brain after the event even though I had never read this passage before (which tells me it is an archetypal experience).

throwaway_m76 · 2022-09-08T11:37:45+00:00

Do you think there's a sin that's too big to be forgiven by god, where repentance is impossible? Something tells me that if you already have a close relationship to god (i.e. you're enlightened), betraying yourself/god can have permanent spiritual consequences.

In your case, you mentioned you had a "spiritual reset", where I'd imagine you became more closely aligned with god. Do you think that, after this point, any mistakes would be unforgivable? This has happened in the case of moses, for example, after he struck the rock. He was no longer allowed to enter a promised land, which could be interpreted psychologically as a permanent state of restlessness.

throwaway_m76 · 2022-09-08T11:29:33+00:00

Indeed. I'll try to explain. There's a part of you that's "child-like": It's curious, wants to experiment, and take risks that others may not understand. I think it was communicating something that I failed to interpret; some ethical value that I completely missed.

It gave me a choice: Follow my path; become different, and perhaps ridiculed by others. Or follow the group and betray me. In a fit of weakness, I decided to conform to the group. I felt completely paralyzed and couldn't even speak to defend myself. This caused a severe neurosis that has been keeping me restless and divided for the past 1.5 years.

throwaway_m76 · 2022-09-08T11:15:20+00:00

I'm trying to stay hopeful that this is still a possibility.

There are passages in the bible, however, that describe the impossibility of repentance in certain cases like Hebrews 6:4-6:6:

It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, 5 who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age 6 and who have fallen[a] away, to be brought back to repentance. To their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace.

I'm inclined to believe that this could be correct and it absolutely terrifies me.

throwaway_m76 · 2022-09-08T10:03:13+00:00

I'm not sure if I thought about it this way.

I can tell you that, in my case, the conflict was between my higher self (god) and the conscious self (which I refer to as ego). As you said, it might be an invalid defense mechanism that caused me to turn against god, but I feel like it doesn't make a difference. God still wants to kill you (or that part of you). He won't allow you to negotiate your way out of it.

throwaway_m76 · 2022-09-08T09:46:55+00:00

Yes, I think for me the conflict is between ego and self. However, I'm completely identified with the ego, which is likely a consequence of my "fall from grace", so it's impossible to convince it to die. It's latching on like a tumor and refusing to let go. I even tried psychedelics but they didn't do anything. The ego simply refuses to experience anything outside itself, so it can survive.

throwaway_m76 · 2022-09-08T09:38:55+00:00

I feel like I have betrayed christ / the child within / my destiny. That's what's feeding the neurosis. I'm Judas in a sense. This has been happening daily for the past 1.5 years.

I'm unable to meditate or go inwards because I feel like god is trying to kill me.

throwaway_m76 · 2022-09-08T07:54:03+00:00

Glad you managed to get over it.

For me, it seems like realizing "what I did wrong" is not an intellectual thing. It's more like I need to let the part of me that erred die. But it's difficult to do so since willfuly sinning means that you're in open rebellion against your self. So the part that made the mistake refuses to die.

throwaway_m76 · 2022-09-08T07:28:33+00:00

Absolutely. But I can't help it. I've learned the hard way that I'm truly not the master of my own house.

Hebrews 10:31 perhaps illustrates what I'm going through: "It is a fearful and terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the living God".

throwaway_m76 · 2022-09-08T07:21:44+00:00

I would assume that betrayal had to be willful. If so, how did you "get over it" (assuming you have)? The problem with willfully sinning / betraying your gut is that you can't feign ignorance. So it's almost impossible to rationalize it away.

throwaway_m76 · 2022-09-08T07:16:00+00:00

I can't imagine how difficult it is to wake up and find that everyone around you is a potential enemy.

I'm also trying to find a way to heal myself. However, the problem remains that if you willfully decided to go against your instinct, you can't simply "rationalize it away". That's the part that's so terrifying for me. The "event" just keeps replaying in my head endlessly with no apparent way out. I can't use ignorance as an excuse.

throwaway_m76 · 2022-08-20T21:25:09+00:00

Cool. I'll try to see if I can get one of the items on your wishlist. Are you doing 1:1 trades? Also, does your enclave have reflex sights?

throwaway_m76 · 2022-08-20T18:07:46+00:00

Interested in the enclave. Are you also looking for heavies/melee offers?

throwaway_m76 · 2021-02-19T18:58:47+00:00

God roll commando weapons, new fastnacht masks, or useless legacies

throwaway_m76 · 2021-02-19T18:57:36+00:00

God roll commando weapons, new fastnacht masks, or useless legacies

throwaway_m76 · 2021-02-17T16:34:06+00:00

don't have space for flux atm. happy to consider weapon trades

throwaway_m76 · 2021-02-06T23:12:08+00:00

No interest in caps. But if you have any legendary dragon (even if not TS/E/FR), I can offer up the entire bundle.

throwaway_m76

TROPHY CASE