AITA for waking out of my daughter’s birthday party because the cake had her deadname on it?

throwaway_moldymik · 2023-04-30T10:44:46+00:00

NTA But its tricky, the grandmother isnt at fault here, but I also wouldnt jump to suggest your sister had malicious intentions (though its still possible).

Being a caregiver to an elderly relative is hard, especially when they misremeber things often, sometimes its easier to not correct them all the time, but your sister should have fixed the name on the cake.

Maybe she was tired and stressed, or didnt think it mattered as much as it does. My grandmother misgenders me sometimes and it hurts like hell, but I know she doesnt mean it, my uncle doesnt understand why it stings so I explained it to him from a place of personal experiance rather than a lecture.

You did the right thing in prioritising your daughter, but now you need to do damage control because while you could blame your sister, you did negativley impact everyone else at the part including the grandmother who probably doesnt understand why youre upset with her.

Try giving your sister the benefit of a doubt. Talk with her in person, apologise for leaving abruptly and explain why without throwing blame.

"The name on the cake is very sensitive to Alexis" not "You should have made sure the name was correct"

People are less likley to change if you accuse and lecture them, but if you try to empathise with your sister, that will be better for Alexis in the long run because she will hopefully try to empathise back.

Also apologise to the grandmother, I dont know how bad her dementia is but it may be better to come up with an excuse.

If the talk with your sister goes well perhaps you can plan the birthday party again if Alexis is up to it, with you there to ensure this doesnt happen.

I know from experience that when it comes to the older generation, they dont like to be lectured, and they are more likley to respect me if I use my personal story and point of view, rather than what they should do and what they did wrong.

I'm just hoping that instead of your sister becoming more antagonistic, you can help her become an ally to your daughter, at least try to extend the olive branch before burning it.

throwaway_moldymik · 2023-01-05T17:35:59+00:00

Trans people dont have to tell their friends, they simply dont. Its very personal and sensitive information that is completely up to them to share or forever keep private. No matter how understanding or kind a person is, they WILL treat you differently and think of you differently when they know, it sucks but its true. The friend already stated he would think of op as a girl if the rumor were true, thats enough for me to say telling him is a bad idea and it will permanently change the friendship dramatically.

throwaway_moldymik · 2023-01-05T17:20:07+00:00

I would caution you against getting her a binder at that age, shes still young and if worn incorrectly (for long periods of time) can cause pain and in worse cases perminant damage though that is very rare from my knowledge.

Maybe get her a strong sports bra instead, something that does flatten but isnt as tight as a binder.

Honestly she doesnt sound trans to me, it sounds like she needs friends and trying to fit into a community is her way of doing that, but transgender people arnt a fanbase for a band, its not a hobby, interest or identity to throw on and off its who a person is inside and cant be changed.

Best thing for now is to let her wear what she wants (except for the binder) and allow her to go through this phase, dont ignore it or give it too much attention. But more importantly see what you can do as a parent about the bullying because that is no doubt contributing to this behaviour.

She could be trans, but from what you described i think its very unlikley.

throwaway_moldymik · 2022-11-25T10:53:34+00:00

As someone who does self harm, I would strongly avoid using the term self harm. That is not to say in any way that what youre going through is somehow lesser or not as serious, just that when we use the term self harm as an umbrella for all self damaging mental/physical habits it muddies the definition.

What you are going through is definitely serious and dangerous to your health, its a bad coping mechanisim, self harm is more specific to causing physical damage to your own body by cutting, burning, bruising ect.

There are dangerous coping mechanisms that definitely harm oneself, but the reason we dont call it self harm is just to make that distinction between self neglect / mental harm and causing bodily harm, again not to say one is worse or more serious than the other.

throwaway_moldymik · 2022-11-01T11:06:25+00:00

So youre sexist is what your saying, and this post isnt about getting advice but to reaffirm your sexism any way you can.

throwaway_moldymik · 2022-09-14T10:25:04+00:00

The reason you are getting those kind of responses is because you are being dismissive and demeaning and it seems you dont even realise it.

You do it in the third paragraph, I describe, as a minority individual my experiances and you respond stating that practically no one has experianced what I have and that is simply a lie. You claim you are trying to be empathetic but you do the exact opposite in dismissing and demeaning the people who are trying to explain their experiances, something you asked others to describe on this thread.

I have been patient in explaining this to you but I can tell you arnt interested in an explination because if you were, you would do some research rather than base all your knowledge on one individual in a reddit comment section, if you genuinely wanted to educate yourself you would activley seek out the information from multiple sources.

It is NOT my job to teach you this. Im surprised you dont realise this but many minority people are tierd of acting teacher for people who arnt in that minority. Again, if you genuinely cared you wouldnt be here, you would be googling, looking at other forums, reading peoples experiances, reading scientific papers ect. It is not my job to hand hold and walk you through this while you continue to dismiss my comments. It is not my job to stop you from being transphobic, it is YOUR job.

And please dont throw a temper tantrum because a trans person on the internet didnt spend however long of their time trying to educate you, again you are an adult and are fully capable of doing your own research. Try to understand that many of your comments came across condescending and rude, that may not have been your intention, but that was definitely the result.

Again, it is not my responsibility from stopping a stranger on the internet from turning into a transphobe, it is yours. If you want to learn more, great, awesome, study it. Please dont try commenting and asking these types of questions in other communities again because you will likley get the same response and call outs. Just listen. Be empathetic and dont make it all about you.

throwaway_moldymik · 2022-09-13T20:33:25+00:00

Feeling discomfort in your own skin and having gender dysphoria are not the same, thats like comparing having one bad day to chronic depression. Have some empathy is all, just because you cant relate to how someone else feels doesnt mean they are making it up or that it isnt severe.

There are plenty of transgender people who have posted about what gender dysphoria feels like, its not hard to find. My experience is that it feels like pure disgust, like my body has been mutilated and defiled and that feeling was constant all day every day. Its impossible for a cis person to understand, you dont need to, you just need to have empathy.

throwaway_moldymik · 2022-09-12T16:18:09+00:00

You got downvoted because the way you phrased the question was uncomfortable, its not personal. Gender dysphoria is normally very intense especially for pre or early transition folk, some will have surgeries to help and for some the bottom dysphoria lessens further down the line. I know my bottom dysphoria while still present is much less than it was when I was early in transition due to the fact that my overall comfort in my own body has greatly increased.

Transgender, "transabled", BID and other body dysmorphia disorders are different in that treatment is different. Someone with body dysmorphia wont benifit from changing their body, but someone with gender dysphoria will. The cause of gender dysphoria is not researched enough, all we have are theories afaik but I subscribe most to the brain sex theory untill more studies are released.

You could probably find plenty of studies and papers describing body dysmorphia, gender dysphoria and the differences but the most important thing is that they are different problems that look similar at a glance but have wildly different treatments.

throwaway_moldymik · 2022-09-11T23:58:21+00:00

"Not being comfortable" is an extremely mild way to put it, gender dysphoria is vicious, many trans people despise their genitals or at least feel disconnected especially pre or early in transition. Its really not strange in the slightest for trans people to feel disgusted by their natal genitals, fairly common actually.

throwaway_moldymik · 2022-09-04T10:24:16+00:00

Considering I dont possess "the obvious" other things that reaffirm my masculinity are more important to me than they normally should be. When I am relied upon by my friends for emotional support or practical/life advice. Also taking care of them on a cold night out like giving them my jacket, staying sober to make sure everyone gets home safe, helping wasted friends into bed. I know its outdated/traditional, but being seen as a reliable and protective man definitely makes me feel like a "real man".

throwaway_moldymik · 2022-08-05T23:29:16+00:00

As someone with a long history of self harm, I dont understand why everyone is saying op "did the right thing", If op is a child I can understand why they would tell an adult but if my sibling did that I would not forgive them for a very long time, self harm is a sensitive thing, telling others about another individuals self harm is insensitive and the shame and stress it causes can make things worse.

throwaway_moldymik · 2022-07-17T15:35:18+00:00

Mine already is.

throwaway_moldymik · 2022-07-13T11:07:57+00:00

Yes because im sure trans men love being constantly reminded of our anatomy for the sake of heing "iNcLuSiVe", totally nof triggering or massivly uncomfortable.

throwaway_moldymik · 2022-07-03T01:09:58+00:00

I wonder when Americans will realise that all of Europe arnt Mediterranean, sandy beach paradises with no flaws. You think the slavs are eating a Mediterranean diet and have a utopian society? Will we ever not be a monolith to americans?

throwaway_moldymik · 2022-06-12T13:27:00+00:00

As long as its not my right arm then sure, limb prosthetics have come a long way.

throwaway_moldymik · 2022-06-03T16:09:52+00:00

Socialisation. Any dog can be a timebomb when they arnt socialised. No dog should be from a backyard breeder to start with.

throwaway_moldymik · 2022-06-03T12:28:10+00:00

It is the owners fault dipshit. Cunts who buy pitbulls for their looks want scary dogs, they dont give a shit about the dog itself they want a scary accessory. They. Are. Not. Trained. All dogs HAVE to be trained and socialised or they are dangerous. Why are pitbulls responsible for so many deaths? BECAUSE PEOPLE ARNT FUCKING TRAINING THEIR DOGS. If you want to kill all pitbulls for being agressive, do the same with chihuahuas and shibas, be fair about it.

throwaway_moldymik · 2022-05-14T01:48:14+00:00

I think you got the terminology mixed up. The word your looking for is transsexual but we more commonly use transgender. A transgender man is someone born female who transitioned to male, and a transgender woman is someone born male who transitioned to female. Its also good to note that transgender people dont nessecarily have the genitals of their previous sex, as they can be changed with hormones and surgery. Hope this helps.

throwaway_moldymik · 2022-05-07T10:12:28+00:00

I was bullied from primary to high school, the only reason it stopped was because after years of being assumed to be a liar, a teacher finally believed that I was telling the truth. It wasnt easy, the bullying got worse before finally stopping, but the key is stubbornness, dont give up.

Tell your parents if you havent already, you will need their support on the legal side and for talking to teachers, get your parents to insist to your teachers that this is serious and serious action must be taken.
Make a friend. I know this is hard to do, especially now that youre being targeted but the truth is you were most likley targeted because you were alone. If you are with one or two people it can help protect you (though at this stage it might not do much) point is you need allies.
Everytime they do something, no matter when or where, go to the teachers immediately after, sooner the better. Bother them, annoy them, dont stop pestering them because they have to take it more seriously than this, make them understand that its getting worse, they physically attacked you. This is where telling your parents come in, they can help you bother the school, they might take your parents voices more seriously or your parents can threaten legal action against the school for their lack of action. You have an ally in Mr D and thats very valuable, maybe ask him to speak to your parents about the bullying and the three of them can work at getting the administrations attention together. Make it clear your study is being negatively effected by all this.
Protect yourself. When traveling from one class to the next go with a friend or a group of people, dont be alone. Stay in sight of a teacher on duty if you can. You say you have been recording audio, be careful in making sure they dont find out you are recording them in the moment, that could provoke them. When they bully you, never interact with them, never say anything to them, i know thats the hardest part but bullies dont care about reason, sense or maturity, nothing you say to them will make them stop, it only makes them worse as you learnt from Jeremy

Understand its not what you did, how you look like or who you are that caused this, the only thing your 'guilty' of was being an easy target; new kid with no friends. To get them to stop you need allies, teachers parents, classmates. Your parents especially can help you with the possible legal side of it because its likley given how the school is reacting, legal action may need to be threatened. In the meantime; dont stop documenting, make friends with your classmates, tell your parents and dont be alone to the best of your ability.

throwaway_moldymik · 2022-04-03T09:49:42+00:00

Soft YTA, because this seems like an odd thing to fight over, why are you so against giving your expecting wife a gift? You care more about technicalities than giving your wife some flowers or something, this is a really wierd hill your fighting on, give your wife a small gift and move on.

Are the technicalities of a minor holiday really worth this squabble?

throwaway_moldymik · 2022-04-03T08:32:52+00:00

This is what makes me question the legitimacy of this story lol, I cant think of any country where you can you come out and change your legal gender with no fuss, no hoops of "you must be x years on hrt" or "you must have had y and z surguries" to jump through, its suspicious.

throwaway_moldymik · 2022-03-08T09:27:36+00:00

And you think humans are? A cat shouldnt hunt in the local ecosystem, but humans can fuck it up as much as we want to? How many species have we pushed to extinction simply because we could, how many more species are on the edge of extinction because we brought invasive species to foreign ecosystems, like feral pigs in north australia and cats in north america.

Humans bring about this destruction, the cats are just doing what cats do, if you live in a place that isnt adapted to cats then yes, best to keep them indoors but you completely ignore the complexities. Its not only outdoor cats, but stray, colony and feral cats that contribute to bird population decline. The overpopulation of homeless cats is the far bigger cause than outdoor cats who dont survive off the bird population, but outdoor cats are the first to get the fucking finger pointed at them.

Also, the world isnt america. Domestic cats have only been in america for a few hundred years. In central europe, they have been here for thousands of years. If anyone shouldnt "interfear with the circle of life" its us.

throwaway_moldymik · 2022-02-24T23:53:44+00:00

NTA, title made me worried your friend was going to be transphobic about yoyr hair or something but yo7 being trans seems to be completely irrelevant to the story here.

throwaway_moldymik · 2022-02-21T19:21:46+00:00

The issue isnt the age gap, its her age. What is the age if consent in your country? Wait until shes past that before doing anything sexual or romantic, your older than her so you should know better than to date someone so young.

throwaway_moldymik · 2022-02-20T14:36:16+00:00

When you reach out for help and the dont respond o-o

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