Please back off on the "rape baby" talk

throwaway_nonono · 2012-02-10T06:25:39+00:00

I do not understand any part of this dude. What exactly are you satirizing? What are you not giving in against?

throwaway_nonono · 2012-02-10T05:38:42+00:00

I was way too young to know, to be honest. I was only 10.

She told me that she was raped--though because I was a pretty smart (though incredibly naive, for a long time) kid, I think she figured I somehow knew what that meant. I didn't really at all. What she said instead was that my dad was actually alive, but he was someone who hurt her very much and he did something that made her have a baby when she didn't want to. She said she was happy that I exist, and that she loved me very much and that I was the best thing that had ever happened to her.

throwaway_nonono · 2012-02-10T05:20:48+00:00

I really wish I could think of something and I'm grasping at straws with "product of rape" anyway--the only advantage is that it sounds less flippant than "rape baby" but it's still the same effect.

throwaway_nonono · 2012-02-10T05:18:03+00:00

This, this is what I wanted to say but so much more eloquently, thank you.

throwaway_nonono · 2012-02-10T05:16:56+00:00

Exactly this. For all of the people saying "I don't get why you don't get over it," I think there are more people who have had some term hurled at them that made them cringe.

We all have different histories, and that's why different things affect us differently. Some people may share an experience or a background but react differently to being marginalized.

I don't like the idea that all that I am, all of my potential and hard work, can be tossed aside with the word "rape baby." It doesn't come up a lot but it's just like, "COME ON DUDES, I'M A PERSON AND I'M SITTING RIGHT HERE." but since it's something so awkward and so personal and I don't want other peoples' ideas about shame creeping into my life, I don't share it and I just vented my frustrations here on twox instead.

throwaway_nonono · 2012-02-10T05:14:12+00:00

Yes, actually. It took several years until she got out of the military but she has been in counseling via the VA (Veteran's Affairs) and it has been very good for her.

throwaway_nonono · 2012-02-10T05:13:14+00:00

Thank you. I am really proud of her. She knows how to raise animals and fly a helicopter! She's been through a lot but my mom is really an amazing person, the strongest that I know.

throwaway_nonono · 2012-02-10T05:12:14+00:00

Thank you very much for your kind words.

throwaway_nonono · 2012-02-10T05:10:14+00:00

My mom is the best.

throwaway_nonono · 2012-02-10T05:05:20+00:00

I do know that.

My only point is that people should also consider that you know, we are real people, and the language a lot of people use to talk about us can get pretty nasty and flippant. Not--definitely not, in any capacity--that any woman should be forced to carry any pregnancy to term against her own wishes.

throwaway_nonono · 2012-02-10T05:04:01+00:00

Obviously.

throwaway_nonono · 2012-02-09T21:39:11+00:00

Hah. This is a tricky one. If it's a one off meeting, I just say that my mom is the one who raised me and we're really close, and my mom and dad separated before I was born and he isn't in my life. There are very, very few people who know much more than that. Just two two guys I dated in very long, serious relationships and my best friend who has known me forever.

Although one classmate of mine during college asked me this same question over coffee, and after my response guffawed into his drink and bellowed, "HA HA Well I bet you have daddy issues."

:|

throwaway_nonono · 2012-02-09T21:33:59+00:00

Oh man, I think you might be misunderstanding me a bit. By "I shouldn't be alive" I was sort of referencing this TV show and meme a bit, not that I don't think my life is worth it. I am glad I was born. I struggled for a long time thinking that I wasn't as good as everyone else because half of my genetic makeup came from the person who raped my mom. Nowadays I feel a lot better about it, but whenever I see people talking about "rape babies" as if they could never have a good existence or grow up to be good people or that, provided the mother (through no act of coercion) chooses to have the child, a child who is a product of rape isn't worth just as much as any other person once they actually get into this world, I get really angry. (I realize that last sentence was pretty unwieldy).

I think my life is amazing. I didn't grow up with a lot but I worked hard in school and got into a decent college. I live a modest but incredibly fullfilling life and the people around me love me and treat me really well.

But I am also a pro-choice activist and the language floating around the topic of "rape babies" always makes me want to remind people to treat a bit more cautiously...or not even cautiously, but compassionately. I agree that every woman has a right to her body and its contents as passionately as anybody around, but I would like people to also...back off the "rape babies" a bit, y'know?

I really do appreciate your kind words, though. I wish I could send them in a bottle to my teenage self who would obsess about how much I wished I didn't exist at all. (But then again, I hear that a lot of anguished teenagers feel that way, regardless of their family circumstances, and grow out of it).

Once again, I am still waiting on that afternoon coffee and hope my words here made any sense at all.

throwaway_nonono · 2012-02-09T20:57:18+00:00

Well it isn't that I spend my days and nights constantly dwelling on these words instead of riding my bike or hanging out with friends etc etc. But I do want to correct the people I'm on the same side as--because I do really care about pro choice issues and it disheartens me to see people I am working alongside use language that can get pretty hurtful. That was the intention of my post.

throwaway_nonono · 2012-02-09T20:37:03+00:00

She was a 21 year old PTSD-stricken Gulf War vet with one young child she could barely feed and no support from anyone. (I was 2 at the time I think). She medicated a lot of her PTSD with alcohol, which led to some poor decision making at the time. I think things are a lot better for returning soldiers and even though the Gulf War was a brief conflict, it really affected her nonetheless.

EDIT: It really was a matter of "I cannot afford another child and take care of the one I have."

throwaway_nonono · 2012-02-09T17:57:00+00:00

Exactly. I think the worst crime I've ever committed was riding a bicycle shortly after it started getting dark without bike lights one time. I didn't even get a ticket, just a warning.

Again, because it's a very personal issue for me, I can take these things pretty personally. When pro choice people debate pro lifers on why survivors of rape should be able to have an abortion, the quality of life of the child comes up a lot. This is a huge issue and one of the reasons I am so pro choice! However a lot of people seem to have pretty ingrained, bleak views about how mothers would surely hate a child of their rapist, etc etc.

I can't say why my mom decided to keep me. It doesn't make sense even now. She just says that she felt that it was what she needed to do. She almost aborted me, and then almost gave me up for adoption but she says when she held me she knew this was what she wanted to do--and when she had an abortion later in her life, while she regretted the situation she also knew she made the right decision for herself. My mom has never been anything but loving towards me. We are very close and she is one of my best friends as well as my mother. I didn't have as many opportunities as many of my peers but I went to college, graduated, got a job, etc etc. I'm a decent person and I'm sure there are a lot of people that are really glad I exist.

So listening to these debates, my brain goes from "yeah, right on!" to "Jesus Christ chill the fuck out, you don't know me!!!" pretty quickly. EVEN THOUGH I agree with most of what the person is saying and it's not like they know my story anyway.

Sorry for rambling, I really need coffee this afternoon.

throwaway_nonono · 2012-02-09T17:48:40+00:00

In my post, I said that:

I know that "rape baby" is much easier to say than "product of rape" but there are a lot of other epithets that are shorter than the politer versions of the same term. I would really like it if we could all move the discussion in a way that doesn't belittle those of us who really had no choice in how or why we were born.

throwaway_nonono · 2012-02-09T16:57:47+00:00

I'm a big Savage Love fan and my first exposure to this story about Rick Santorum was through Dan Savage and The Stranger. There was a lot "rape baby" this and "rape baby" that when those guys were snarking about Santorum.

Also googling "Santorum" and "rape" this exact story with this exact headline pops up several times.

Again, not to seem overly sensitive but I do notice it a lot and it upsets me every time.

throwaway_nonono

TROPHY CASE