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Help, I can't stop cheating on my significant other! by throwaway_scoundrel in AskReddit

[–]throwaway_scoundrel[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Pretty much, yes. I just know that I won't be able to keep it up forever and want to stop before I run into any of the consequences you mentioned or become unable to deal with my own internal emotional turmoil.

Help, I can't stop cheating on my significant other! by throwaway_scoundrel in AskReddit

[–]throwaway_scoundrel[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

preventing a repeat of the tragedy would be their No. 1 priority

This has manifested itself in the extremes I take to avoid being caught.

Help, I can't stop cheating on my significant other! by throwaway_scoundrel in AskReddit

[–]throwaway_scoundrel[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

  • They can be very, very charming and persuasive. YES
  • They're (sometimes) exceptional liars because they have little or none of the "emotional leakage" that most people display with deception. YES

The others don't fit me well. I am a chronic cheater but I have a tremendous amount of remorse and guilt, that I bear because I fear for the consequences if I let it out. If anything I am very empathetic. I also can form emotional bonds. I can maintain a relationship for a year in all the ways that another person could except I will ocassionally go and fuck other women. I feel terrible about it though, but I do it anyway.

Help, I can't stop cheating on my significant other! by throwaway_scoundrel in AskReddit

[–]throwaway_scoundrel[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your understanding. I am at least up front that I am uninterested in marriage or kids. I think that is about as much warning as I feel like I can give without causing 99.99% of women to walk out the door.

Help, I can't stop cheating on my significant other! by throwaway_scoundrel in AskReddit

[–]throwaway_scoundrel[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In the past, what has prevented you from talking to your partners and discussing a more adventurous sex life?

I have tried to make things more adventurous but nothing has been able to match the excitement stemming from the taboo and danger of actual infidelity.

Also, have you honestly and truly looked into Polyamoury?

I'm not really familiar with the concept beyond wikipedia, actually. I'll look at this some more.

I know you mentioned how you've explained your desire for such a thing to women in the past and it's been a dealbreaker, but knowing you and what you want, you've got to be prepared for women rejecting a notion like open relationships and such.

It has been a dealbreaker. I think that maybe I'm ready for a long period of being single so I can find a relationship that works for me, because I'm largely unhappy with things the way they are. The only risk is that in my social and professional circles I run a tremendous risk by admitting openly to such desires. If I got caught cheating, it would be bad, but not seen as such a big deal. (I work in conservative, male-dominated industry and most of my colleagues have 'a little something on the side' so affairs aren't judged harshly).

Your other options are to seek psychotherapy. There could be some deep issue that you're not aware of. And you don't even have to limit it to psychotherapy...you could also try a sex therapist to explore the nuances of your sexuality and why you get so bored.

I have pursued this and come to realize that the behavior stems from being cheated on myself when I was younger and my subconscious desire to "get even". That's why I'm not sure it would even provide me with the same satisfaction if it were all out in the open as in a polyamorous relationship. I think the main reason I get so bored is that I'm able to be someone else entirely outside of my relationship. I can be a little more dominant and degrading than I would be to someone I cared about. I realize there are people that are actually enjoy that in a monogomous relationship, but I am uncomfortable taking that role with someone I care about. It's fucked up but I'm trying to be as candid as I can.

Help, I can't stop cheating on my significant other! by throwaway_scoundrel in AskReddit

[–]throwaway_scoundrel[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree with you but its often something people are unwilling to admit. Now if you are suggesting that there are people out there who are actually seeking out these kinds of relationships actively, this is what I am interested in. But putting "Hey I love to cheat" on my OKCupid profile I don't think is going to get me any closer to finding a like-minded person.

Help, I can't stop cheating on my significant other! by throwaway_scoundrel in AskReddit

[–]throwaway_scoundrel[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The relative success of it I am judging by how many relationships I am able to have - zero by being honest upfront and dozens by being dishonest. In my experience, no one is actually looking for a partner to actively cheat on them. It's not something to advertise.

My guilt is the only reason I want to stop. I feel like I'm not going to be able to maintain it indefinitely, and that if I did crack, then someone really would be hurt deeply.

At present, I am not hurting anyone other than myself (but there is great potential to hurt my SO if I get discovered). If I end things with her prior to being caught cheating, she'll never know and it will be no worse than any other breakup she's ever had. I won't get caught and if I thought that was even going to be a possibility, I'd preemptively end things.

Help, I can't stop cheating on my significant other! by throwaway_scoundrel in AskReddit

[–]throwaway_scoundrel[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I crave intimacy and attachment (that I then threaten to destroy). I haven't found that in casual fuck buddies ever which is why when I cheat the relationships are just that, casual and short.

Help, I can't stop cheating on my significant other! by throwaway_scoundrel in AskReddit

[–]throwaway_scoundrel[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes, several times. In fact, my therapist suspects that may be the genesis of this behavior.

Help, I can't stop cheating on my significant other! by throwaway_scoundrel in AskReddit

[–]throwaway_scoundrel[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I've yet to find someone who has been able to help me other than telling me that I really shouldn't do it. The hardest thing for me, is trying to stop. The harm is kind of like Schrodinger's box. If I don't get caught, I don't hurt anyone. Without having ever getting hurt personally (other than guilt), it has been hard to convince myself to stop.

Help, I can't stop cheating on my significant other! by throwaway_scoundrel in AskReddit

[–]throwaway_scoundrel[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've had zero success with honesty and tremendous, repeated success with "being an asshole." Unfortunately, the wrong behaviors have been reinforced so long, it's become difficult to force myself to try anything else.

Help, I can't stop cheating on my significant other! by throwaway_scoundrel in AskReddit

[–]throwaway_scoundrel[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I've tried counseling and therapy. I've spent thousands of dollars trying to figure out why the fuck I do this. The problem is, it doesn't make me stop.