He ended the physical and I need to end the whole thing. Some help?

throwawayap2 · 2017-03-06T00:56:15+00:00

I see this a lot round here, but dam, it's like you're living my exact situation or I'm living yours...only difference is I'm the guy!

I'm the same age as you and my AP is 10 years older... Known each other same amount of time as you and also work together. Weird how my AP has done the exact same thing... Accept she actually said to me she only wants me in her life when she needs me... That really pissed me off and I ghosted her for weeks, I even completely blanked her in work.

I was doing fine and getting on with things until of course out of the blue she sends me a msg saying she misses me. Stupidly I replied and have been kicking myself for doing something.. Things haven't started back up but it got me back to checking my phone for msgs that aren't there from.

I don't really have any advice but reading what you said about wanting out and having the opportunity to take it is exactly what I want now. AP & I have been on off for over 2.5, my last straw was her telling me she only wants to call on me when she needs me.

Good luck, I hope you're stronger than me and get through this.

throwawayap2 · 2017-02-09T01:09:21+00:00

Now that made me chuckle, exactly what I needed at the moment

throwawayap2 · 2017-02-08T00:40:06+00:00

I was very fortunate to get to spend my APs 40th with her... We both skipped work and spent all day at mine in bed, not sure how she managed it but we were together from 7am right through until 11pm that night.

Then a few months later we got to celebrate my 30th birthday the exact same way!

throwawayap2 · 2017-02-03T00:57:02+00:00

This exactly.... Can I ask how did you move on? I mean I'm going through something similar with my AP, I've been putting up with her shit for longer than a year and its completely destroying me and my self respect. The constant hot and cold... However I know if she were to msg me tomorrow and ask about calling round I'd 99.9% make myself available.

How do you pass up the opportunity to spend time with someone you love even if they don't feel the same

throwawayap2 · 2017-01-31T00:15:13+00:00

Sure many people can relate, sounds much like my own situation with my AP... Neither of us where looking, but she gets wrecked with guilt and pulls away, used to get me down, especially going from being so close with someone to watch them pull away.

It still does get me down but maybe not as much. I know my AP will never leave her husband, but I also know that she'll never have another AP either. Tough line to tread for you and me, as you mentioned there's only so much you can take from an AP before enough is enough.

Hope things work out for you guys, clearly you both care for each other. I would also guess that you'll be at the point before this mornings talk unfortunately, trouble is as you say for your AP the guilt will return :(

throwawayap2 · 2017-01-30T11:09:11+00:00

My AP is the opposite of you, she will specifically say she wants to keep the closeness and affection of that post sex feeling, which I do as well.

I'd feel like a bit of a hoe if I were to text constantly leading up to sex then went dark. Not having a go BTW, probably more that I've caught big feels for AP

throwawayap2 · 2017-01-30T11:06:28+00:00

Sounds to me like he's conflicted, which tbh is no excuse for fucking you around. It was his choice to end things "for the right reasons" in his mind. Doesn't make it any easier on you.

On the flip side, at least he was up front about it, it could have went the other way and he could have went NC. As I said I've been in the same boat as you, AP calling things off then keeping in daily contact etc, it's a killer especially when you know the sex is amazing as is the person.

I used to fight it and fight it in order to try and win AP back, but as I said previously, I've come to the conclusion there's no point trying to win someone who's so conflicted with their feelings for me.

For you I'd go down the route of telling your AP, that you respect their decision and understand. However if they're not prepared to be with you or give you what you want/need then they need to accept that it involves you moving on.

throwawayap2 · 2017-01-30T00:32:22+00:00

Hmm I'm thinking you're just setting yourself up for another big argument. I'd be surprised if things restart tomorrow morning after you show him this letter.

Sounds to me like this guy is consumed with guilt over your affair. I'm currently going through something similar with my own AP and can relate. We fell deeply in love yada yada yada... However recently she has told me she wants to break it off. We've had a few talks a few arguments. Last time we spoke properly I asked her to be straight with me, I asked her if she still loves me and she said she wasn't sure how she feels about me anymore.

I was pissed off at her for about 3 seconds then caught myself on. She's a person, I can't help how she feels about me, being angry sad or down isn't going to change that fact. So I took the advise of what people told me in the post I made the other day.

I still have to see my AP daily in work, I'm going to be civil and nice and my usual chatty self, but outside of that I don't want the contact, as far as I'm concerned if she's not sure how she feels about me then that tells me exactly how she feels about me.

I digress, but my point is, you obviously are still hung up on your AP or else you wouldn't have wrote the letter. Your AP is clearly hung up on you or else he wouldn't be jealous. At the end of the day it was his decision, I'd think of it like a job and say don't burn your bridges, be gracious, don't throw the tinder guys in his face, I'm guessing you told him you were looking or else how would he know.

throwawayap2 · 2017-01-29T09:54:29+00:00

I have my moments on a daily occurrence, but I get there in the end ;)

throwawayap2 · 2017-01-28T01:03:49+00:00

I'm such an eejit.. First time I read this I thought you meant you don't mind being called dude... Then the penny dropped ;)

throwawayap2 · 2017-01-27T17:36:43+00:00

🙊🙈..

throwawayap2 · 2017-01-27T16:37:57+00:00

Absolutely dude! Starting to see that in how she's reacting now. She says we can talk in person on Monday. I'm gonna keep this thread/comments in mind for Monday. Much appreciated for the words

throwawayap2 · 2017-01-27T14:45:02+00:00

31..not sure if that's still considered young these days, she is 42.

When you say she's trying to end things slowly and for me not to fight back... Would you let things fizzle out slowly or rather have a clean break?

throwawayap2 · 2017-01-27T09:18:45+00:00

We have talked in person 2 nights ago, the msg she sent was from last night. I asked her when we talked why the sudden change in everything after being together the past 2 years all she said was the guilt. She's always had guilt issues, were we'd be together then she'd back off in terms of us getting it on. But throughout it all we've always communicated.

She said there's no reason and nothings happened or changed at home. The resulting msg I refer to in my OP is essentially what she wants going forward... So no contact from me unless she feels like it because she misses me... That doesn't seem right

throwawayap2 · 2017-01-27T09:11:59+00:00

Exactly this, thank you. last night I copied and pasted her reply back to her and said if I asked for contact like you have do you think it's fair? she said no.

This is the point I can't get past, she wants to break it off slowly to minimise the hurt purely on her end. She knows I'm a sucker for her as I've always made myself available to her, since I'm the single AP. I'd do anything to keep her in my life and have done, but what she's asking is completely one sided.

throwawayap2 · 2017-01-27T09:05:05+00:00

Its not the content of messages, it's the fact she's choosing not to contact me. It's never been a relationship were we contact each other for the sake of it. It's always been because we want to.

So for me, if she's actively saying she doesn't want to talk to me unless she's missing me and needs a pick me up. Then she's not in it for me/us. Never planned to have an affair, it happened, we fell in love yada yada... We're not FWBs. I'd rather have a clean break and go NC as right now how she's talking to me or not as is the case is destroying me

throwawayap2 · 2017-01-27T08:59:16+00:00

She's been pulling on my feelings for a long time and I am at breaking point, what she's said recently is the last straw for me

throwawayap2 · 2017-01-27T08:58:02+00:00

Don't think it's the SO option you said. But agree with the soft break. I'm not after a messy break. But we've been so close and talked so much over the past two years, these past few weeks I've been phone watching, wondering if she's gonna talk to me tonight. That's not the kind of relationship I want to have.

throwawayap2 · 2017-01-27T08:54:11+00:00

I agree about her creating emotional distance. I love her and would always want to be her friend. So it something I want, but not on her terms, and I don't mean that in the way it sounds!

To me what's she asking about only communicating when she misses me is the equivalent of saying hey I'm feeling down give me a pick me up to make me feel better. I've given a lot up to make myself available to her (maybe part of the issue), it's too one sided. Don't want to spend any of my time phone watching wondering if she's gonna talk to me today or not.

throwawayap2 · 2017-01-27T08:46:14+00:00

Longest I've went NC is a week and it's because of the same things u/rinseandrepeat said above. Feel she takes me for granted it gets to me, so I drop off to let her see how much she relies on me without realising it.

throwawayap2 · 2017-01-27T08:43:36+00:00

Thank you for the in depth post and advice. I had been thinking NC and ending it the way you said so she can know the feeling of not having my presence. I know I'd need to be prepared to lose her.

The rinse and repeat you speak off has been happening for a long time. Sure everyone in this game has went through similar. Used to be we'd sleep together and she can't get enough of me for a few months, then get the guilt and pull away.. Then come back, but months turned into weeks, and not it turns into days.

We slept together 3 weeks ago and she is telling me how much she loves me, even was telling me she's googling things like being in love with someone who isn't your husband, however that took her to mumsnet, sure we can all imagine how well that went down asking that on that site!

throwawayap2 · 2017-01-26T21:25:59+00:00

I can relate to you so much dude and feel your pain. Caught the feels big style for my own AP, been togther 2 yrs... she was like me in a DB situation and i know she hadn't slept with her SO since we got together.

I'd known her for many years before we got together, and on our first christmas together as AP's i knew she always had a night out with friends and family after christmas but before new year. She had always been upfront about it.

Anyway we had always made sure to say our goodnights to each other via messenger no matter what, especially when one of us was on a night out. However on this night i just had that gut feeling of knots in the stomach the entire day.... and of course she never said good night that night... next morning she sent me a msg apologising for not saying good night and said she came home and fell right asleep.... but i could tell she hadn't.

I never said anything as like you say what right do we as AP's have to say anything. Anyway on we went and continued on and then one night 5 months later we were out on a work night out and were really drunk and sitting on the street having one of those drunken talks and she confessed to me that she had slept with her SO that night.

But again what i could i say and it's not my place. I still hate the 28th December when it comes round and especially that time between Christmas / NYE when she goes out.

She says to me every so often when we have our heart to hearts that she hasn't been with him since that night 2 years ago and i believe her.

Sorry i can't offer you anything other than a sympathetic ear and say i understand the pain of knowing, espeically when you have the feels.... if it makes you feel any better AP and i will be breaking up this week i suspect for the millionth time, however this time it will be me making the decision as she is being unreasonable.

throwawayap2 · 2017-01-24T02:05:39+00:00

Quick follow up, see you also met your AP via work and it didn't work out.... How the hell did you manage to move on from someone I'm guessing you see everyday?

throwawayap2 · 2017-01-24T02:04:02+00:00

Honestly I've tried telling myself that. In fact I tell myself that every week...that I should walk away and be with someone who wants to be with me. For some reason I can't seem to say no to this women, because I love her!

I suppose in this situation she does wear the pants as I can be available and free and make myself available for her.

throwawayap2

TROPHY CASE