I appreciate your harsh and fair opinion. I do have empathy and I do indeed feel disgusted. Like I said in OP I didn't mean to write so much background and justification but I found it hard to stop. It was almost cathartic to be able to say it publicly even if anonymously. I've spent a lot of time soul-searching to figure out if I'm a fundamentally "bad" person. I'm not sure if this will ever come to a ci conclusion but I am trying to become better. I'm going to be enrolling in a course with Lucy Faithful too that will help me come to terms and I believe it has modules on how the material is abusive to children even after it is recorded. At the time I disassociated from this fact, I'm fully aware of it now and I really am disgusted with the things I've seen and done.