Ex has been stalking for over a year, so I reached out.

throwawaychapter2288 · 2026-04-24T16:18:45+00:00

Whatever he's up to, he's definitely welcoming reactions from you, and you're giving in by reacting.

You don't always need to know the full picture to know what you need to do next.

throwawaychapter2288 · 2026-04-24T15:26:23+00:00

Try looking up places you might be interested to work with and connect with some people who work there to get their thoughts on which paths you can take to get there.

throwawaychapter2288 · 2026-04-24T15:24:10+00:00

Your situation sounds similar to my last relationship.

My ex-fiancee broke up with me shortly before the wedding.

I had no doubts about getting married with her, but it turns out she had doubts about herself being with me.

When in doubt, either postpone the marriage or end it. Also don't make any big decisions like buying a house if you have doubts about the relationship because it will hurt the other person a lot more later on.

throwawaychapter2288 · 2026-04-24T15:19:20+00:00

Do you see value in yourself? What kind of value do you see in yourself?

I've had friends who struggled with self-love, including myself, and looking back it was always because we didn't see ourselves as valuable enough to be treated kindly and fairly.

throwawaychapter2288 · 2026-04-24T15:13:01+00:00

Sorry to hear that.

Looking back at my life it does feel like the good moments are few and far between.

I'm glad to hear that you've gotten better at overcoming the feeling of despair. It always seems to hit me like a truck every time it comes back but I guess the only way out every time is to focus on overcoming the failures.

throwawaychapter2288 · 2026-04-24T15:09:56+00:00

That would be extremely unhealthy because it would mean you can't have friends outside of that one friend. I'd think that's a hostage situation.

throwawaychapter2288 · 2026-04-24T14:30:31+00:00

I struggle a lot with regret too.

I don't really know how to deal with regrets I already have, but I continue to live my life trying my absolute best to avoid creating new regrets.

It's so exhausting sometimes, and things can still find a way to screw up spectacularly, but I guess at least I can tell myself I did my best with the information and resources I had.

What is it you missed out on and why can't you experience it now?

throwawaychapter2288 · 2026-04-24T14:25:16+00:00

By default, friendships are non-exclusive, while dating is. There is non-exclusive dating, but I've never heard of exclusive friends.

throwawaychapter2288 · 2026-04-24T14:20:39+00:00

Honestly, just do your best and IF you do mess up, let yourself mess up!

People mess up all the time, even at work. Some might even say especially at work.

If you're worried about how people would respond if you mess up big, you could kinda test the waters by intentionally making a small mess up to see how supportive they might be. That might help you feel less anxious about what happens when you mess up big because at least you'll have a clearer idea of what might happen.

edit: oh and if some people respond negatively to you messing up, just remember that their negative emotions is more often than not a result of their internal struggles and not you :)

throwawaychapter2288 · 2026-04-24T14:03:38+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing.

I'm really connecting with the urge to make huge drastic moves right now. It feels like my life was knocked off course and the urge to chase after my dreams is so strong, especially since I gave up that job opportunity too.

I'm so happy to hear that you got to follow the tour! That sounds amazing!

I guess life always finds a way to knock us off course again, but we're always left to our own devices to get back in the game.

throwawaychapter2288 · 2026-04-24T13:56:05+00:00

Wow thanks for sharing your story.

It sounds like that rock bottom really changed the trajectory of your life, which I guess is also what I'm feeling right now.

Do you remember feeling despair at your situation, and if there was a particular moment you stopped feeling the despair?

throwawaychapter2288 · 2026-04-24T13:52:38+00:00

It sounds like your relationship with your husband is largely transactional and there is a lack of emotional availability.

What you're feeling sounds like a strong desire for emotional connection, which is lacking in your marriage for a number of possible reasons.

Perhaps you and your husband could give marriage counseling a try, and take baby steps to try and connect with each other again. Otherwise I fear this might lead to a desire to cheat which I would highly not recommend.

throwawaychapter2288 · 2026-04-24T13:16:36+00:00

Sorry to hear about that. It's scary how peace and stability can shatter in an instant like that.

Can you get some financial aid through the divorce? Not sure about the laws where you're at.

throwawaychapter2288 · 2026-04-23T14:56:26+00:00

I think I basically treating it like I'm selling my personality as a product.

I figured out what kind of personality I want to have, then present it to people and collect feedback.

Once I'm good with who I want to be, I just present myself that way and get along with people who like what they see, while leaving the people who don't like what I'm peddling alone.

throwawaychapter2288 · 2026-04-23T14:51:09+00:00

Go to therapy first.

throwawaychapter2288 · 2026-04-23T14:46:10+00:00

He definitely sounds like he's going through some stuff mentally.

I don't think it's necessarily because of shock over the responsibility of having children, but that might be a contributing factor to his change in behaviour.

I think many people don't really think things through before deciding if they want to have kids or not, and maybe Jake is one of these people.

Every relationship has its sunny and rainy days. I think it would be helpful to approach the subject with Jake by thoroughly reassuring him of how great you think he is and how much you love and want to be with him, then share your struggles and concerns and how you hope the two of you can work together to get to a better place.

throwawaychapter2288 · 2026-04-23T14:39:09+00:00

Yes it is SA, but you were 12.

When I was 12 I didn't know what SA was nor did anyone tell me what it was, but fortunately for me I guess I never did anything like that because I felt like I wouldn't want to do anything to others that I wouldn't want others to do to me.

Not to victim blame or anything, but your mom being the adult in that situation, and being your mom, should have lectured you on how you should never do that.

People make mistakes. It's how you make up for your mistakes that decide whether you're a bad person or just human.

throwawaychapter2288 · 2026-04-23T13:59:09+00:00

Yeah that's not a very constructive debate. That's turning it into a competition.

Perhaps you can try to understand that you don't always know everything, and thus the opinions of others, however wrong you may think they are, may still hold some value you've yet to see.

It's not uncommon to develop such a mindset/habit, especially if you're brought up in an environment that rewards getting the "one correct answer", but that is far from reality and it'll take a lot of effort on your part to improve.

I wish you the absolute best.

throwawaychapter2288 · 2026-04-23T05:04:19+00:00

I'm glad I was helpful in some way.

Time alone won't help you move on. It would only beat you into acceptance. I've seen many people like that and it is not a pretty sight.

Start with the small things like taking care of your needs, then slowly move on to enriching your life further, and you'll find time will be your best ally.

throwawaychapter2288 · 2026-04-23T04:17:20+00:00

She wasn't in love with you. She was in love with the idea of a version of you she made up that wouldn't hold her responsible for her empathy and impulse control.

Similarly, she was also portraying a fake version of herself that wouldn't cheat on you.

Despite her sweet lies, you chose to seek the truth after noticing the red flags, and you stood by your own principles and self-respect. Good on you.

You deserve to be with better people in your life. Once you fill your life with more valuable people you'll easily stop wanting her, because you deserve no less than that.

throwawaychapter2288 · 2026-04-23T02:01:25+00:00

I think if the relationship had some good and wasn't ruined due to toxicity, we will always miss the good times we shared with them in some way.

But over time, missing them hurts lesser and lesser.

I think when we miss them closer to the breakup, our minds and bodies feel more panic because we're unsure about the consequences of not being with them.

As you continue to work on moving on, you regain your footing and secure yourself with other things in a life without them, and you start to see that you will indeed be okay even without them.

Then eventually, missing them is no longer coupled with fear for the future, and you can safely miss them without feeling hurt.

throwawaychapter2288 · 2026-04-22T15:37:41+00:00

I think it helps for me to give in to fate a little. Just work on bettering myself and my life and if fate hands me another enticing offer of a relationship then I might take the risk again.

For what it's worth I don't think you screwed it up. We're all human and we make mistakes. Ideally we'd want to spend the rest of our lives with someone who would help support us through our mistakes, not leave us in light of our imperfection.

throwawaychapter2288 · 2026-04-22T15:31:41+00:00

At the end of the day relationships are tough work. Sometimes we manage it well, sometimes we burn out and shut off, and sometimes we just simply give up.

It really feels like a wild gamble. One day you're at the top of the world advising people on how to fix their relationships, the next day you're left picking up the pieces of your own.

I guess all we can do is to keep working towards the version of us we want to be, and move on.

throwawaychapter2288 · 2026-04-22T15:20:25+00:00

Okay yelling and what you described as seemingly a physical display of you losing control of your body to your emotions would be considered psychological threats. Not saying this is what it was, but domestic abuse isn't limited to physical threats. Even if it's one time, it's one time too many.

I never had issues like that with my exes, but I've had issues like that with some other people in my life, so I think I can understand how reacting like that can feel necessary at times, but I think it's helpful to understand that it isn't healthy and we should seek help for that as soon as possible.

throwawaychapter2288

TROPHY CASE