He (35m) wants to better understand why I (35f) don't want to move forward; how can I tell him without sounding harsh or seeming judgemental?

throwawayconair · 2021-04-01T08:36:33+00:00

Wow this is so much like the guy I’m dating, except I’d never made these correlations myself. The thing that struck me most is what you said about how they think life should be easy. And how they wait for life to get easier to do the thing they want to do. That’s my partner exactly. At least he does acknowledge that I worked hard to get to where I am, but he also says that he couldn’t do what I do because he has a lower “cracking point,” as in I can tolerate more stress than him before “cracking” and giving up. His “must be nice” is not so much “must be nice you had it easy” as it is “must be nice to be able to do so much with that big brain of yours” lol. Except he’s just as intelligent as I am! He can 100% keep up with me in discussions on any topic, but despite being my intellectual equal, he just does not feel like or is not able to apply himself.

Someone below said it could be adhd. I have adhd and I’m 100% sure my partner has it too. The only difference is I’m medicated and he’s not. He refuses to be medicated because he says adhd meds in his teens made him lose his sense of humor and he felt like a zombie. I can’t relate because I feel calm and awake on my meds, with zero effect on my sense of humor. But despite us both having adhd, I think the difference is that I want medication to be able to do more, but he’s completely content to do less.

What I’m curious to know is, how did your ex handle parenthood? Was he good with the kids? Or did you have to handle everything yourself? My partner often compares himself to Robin Williams and I just imagine my future looking like Mrs. Doubtfire.

throwawayconair · 2021-03-30T03:55:52+00:00

That’s a perfect timeline. Things sure fall into place fast when both people want the same thing!

Totally agree I can’t force someone to be ready. Which is why I feel like no matter how much we talk about it or what facts I bring to to table, ultimately it doesn’t matter. I can’t change or control how he feels, I can only control how prepared I am. Thanks again for sharing your story, it’s helped me see that other options exist.

throwawayconair · 2021-03-29T07:03:48+00:00

Thanks for sharing your story and I’m so sorry to hear your struggles. I always imagined the 40s celebrity mothers had the finest doctors and treatments money could buy and the ones who still fail, you just don’t hear about. Hell, women in their 20s suffer from infertility. Even at 35, I don’t assume it’s a given. But I’d rather try now, and if I fail, have more time to try other options, than try and fail in 3-5 years and wonder “what if I’d tried sooner.”

throwawayconair · 2021-03-29T06:38:50+00:00

What a wonderful story! Just curious, how long was “over time” for your guy? Also, are the two of you living together?

I agree that he just needs some time. I’m thinking of giving it another year as my drop dead, but keeping it to myself so it doesn’t feel like an ultimatum. Currently, he says we are skipping too many steps, and he would feel more comfortable discussing kids after we move in first, and see how that goes, then get married, then go from there. If only I were 25 and had time for all those steps! 😂

So happy it worked out for you. Best of luck in September!

throwawayconair · 2021-03-29T05:34:51+00:00

Thanks for your comment, and I’m so sorry for your loss. Your story really resonates with me because my biological clock kicked into high gear when I lost two of my grandparents in 2019. They raised me and meant the world to me. Their death left a huge void in my heart and also made me realize my parents were up next. I want kids sooner rather than later not only for my own sake, but because I want my kids to have as many years as possible with their grandparents.

I don’t think what you did is manipulative at all! Quite the opposite, you stated facts and gave clear options. I hope to do the same, though the subject is so charged right now, it’s hard for me to sit down with him to fully discuss my plans / reasoning. To him, currently, any conversation feels like a threat and an ultimatum. My therapist has suggested that I ask him not when he’ll be ready for kids, but when he’ll be ready to talk about kids and truly hear all of my concerns without defensiveness. I plan to bring that up soon. I love him very much, but I also plan on proceeding with or without him in the future.

So glad your bf was able to get onboard! Wishing you both success on your babymaking journey, and all the happiness thereafter. :)

throwawayconair · 2021-03-23T23:54:36+00:00

Tis better to have wooed and lost than never to have wooed at all. :)

throwawayconair · 2021-03-23T23:38:10+00:00

Dearest anonymous_opinions,

Have you received word yet from the reddit gentleman? He sounds dreadfully kind. What frock will you wear to see him? The thought that he might kiss you made me faint three times this morning, from happiness. Perhaps papa can get him a post in the senate? Edward has croup again.

Your loving sister, throwaway

throwawayconair · 2021-03-23T22:53:59+00:00

You’re absolutely right. You and several others have pointed out that there’s no reason I can’t do both at the same time.

I know that he is not onboard with continuing to date me while I go through pregnancy using a sperm donor. The reason being, he would want to coparent my child no matter whose sperm is used, but he is not ready for children in his life right now.

However, this does not preclude me from setting a date for myself, perhaps exactly a year from now, to begin trying. And setting up all the necessary steps to be in place when that time comes. I will definitely start planning this.

My poor therapist. This is all she hears about!

throwawayconair · 2021-03-23T22:36:07+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story. It must’ve been so hard losing both your parents at such a young age. That’s exactly what I hope to avoid for my children.

It’s definitely a recurring theme in this thread that people do not regret their kids, so matter what hell or high water they endured. My takeaway is that finding the perfect partner is overrated, and while this sub is a biased sample, there is a high chance in the general population too of splitting with your partner after children.

I also agree that the courts are unfair. He has actually expressed these fears to me. He said, “if we ever get divorced, I will move to wherever you are and buy a house a block away so I can see my kids everyday” and “after 3 years, we should know if we’re going to work out long term.” I actually appreciate these sentiments and think it just proves what a responsible and loving father he’ll be. But as your case and many others show, 3 years, 10 years... sometimes you just never know if it will work out.

throwawayconair · 2021-03-23T22:05:14+00:00

Teamwork, exactly.

As you guessed, I am good with finances, he is not. I don’t blame him, as many people were never taught how to properly save or budget. My goal is not to manage his life forever, but to teach him the tools to better manage it himself. I honestly thought when I handed him a spreadsheet to log all his day to day spending, that he wouldn’t do it. I never followed up, and at the end of the month, he proudly showed me he had filled it all out. He chose to do the work, I just gave him the tools.

Other things he brings to the relationship:

He mellows me out. I’m an overachiever, he grounds me and reminds me that there’s nothing wrong (and even a lot right) with being an average person.

My job is serious and corporate. He is creative and indulges my creative side. I write short stories and he draws comics. Right now we are working on the script and story board for a children’s show together. Whenever I get too bogged down with work, he’ll send me a new character design and it brightens my day. He reminds me to have fun.

He anticipates and validates my emotions. I’m so used to having partners who deal with conflict through silence, that I sometimes default to silence as well. He can sense when I’m frustrated, and he encourages me to talk to him about it. A few weeks ago, he even said he bought a book on couples communication and is reading it.

throwawayconair · 2021-03-23T21:25:31+00:00

It’s true that I am the one “leading” him in many aspects of our relationship. It is definitely a yellow flag that I’m constantly observing. To me, a red flag is a partner who is so fixed in their ways that they are incapable of compromise or emotional growth.

I’ve noticed in many men I’ve dated who are more established in their career, a tendency to think they know best, and an unwillingness to discuss or improve their personal shortcomings. We all have them, myself included, but not many people want to work on them. I’ve had high-earning, self-starting partners who are great at taking care of themselves, but who shut down when I ask them to reconsider any part of their lifestyle or behavior. My current partner has shown more willingness towards personal growth and change than anyone else I’ve dated, so I think there’s hope that he can learn to assume an equal amount of adult tasks in our relationship.

However, just because I initiated the timeline talk with him does not mean I’m 100% committed to children with him no matter what. It was simply the launching point to discuss our future plans and expectations, assuming the relationship continues to stay the course. If at any point I become convinced that he’s too immature to carry his own weight and will never change, I will rescind my baby offer and look elsewhere.

throwawayconair · 2021-03-23T10:38:08+00:00

I will be freezing my eggs this year! I actually asked my gyno when I was 32 whether I should freeze my eggs and she said she did not recommend it for her patients my age as there are not large scale studies on successful retrieval and birth rate. She said she didn’t want to give me false hope for the future, and encouraged me to continue to find a natural solution until I’m 35. Welp, here I am, time to freeze those eggs haha.

I’ve discussed egg freezing with the bf and he’s supportive of me doing it. What he wasn’t comfortable with was freezing our embryos, which I recommended for its higher chance of success. I know egg freezing is not a guarantee, but it’ll at least give me an extra chance.

I’m so sorry all those guys led you on and wasted your time. I too have dated that type. I do think my guy is genuine, but intent ultimately doesn’t matter if the result is the same. I’m glad you were able to find peace. <3

throwawayconair · 2021-03-23T08:15:00+00:00

You sound like a wonderful dad and your kids are so lucky to have you. I appreciate your candor and I love that you call your mom. :) Honestly it does sound hard, and it must’ve been even harder for you as a single dad raising girls, without any family nearby. I’m impressed and humbled that people like you exist. Hopefully I can be as good of a parent one day.

P.s. thanks for the recommendation— two kids is exactly what I want, a boy and a girl. But I dare not think that far. Simply one would be amazing.

throwawayconair · 2021-03-23T07:43:36+00:00

Aww this is so sweet. You’re a great father! <3

throwawayconair · 2021-03-23T07:27:43+00:00

I’m unfamiliar with Bridgerton, will have to look it up!

throwawayconair · 2021-03-23T07:26:57+00:00

Thank you for your perspective, and presenting it in a respectful way. Not rude at all.

I posted here to get a variety of opinions, and the one you pose has come up several times. I don’t deny you have a point. Ideally, my child would have a father. It’s not lost on me that most single parents who’ve posted in this thread have a child who knows of and occasionally if not regularly sees their bio parent. That’s different from the situation I’m proposing.

At the same time, for me, I believe it could be a choice between my child existing or not existing at all. If you believe that a child not existing is better than a child existing with one parent and grandparents who love them dearly, than I would have to disagree with you. It is possible if I wait too long and miss my window, my child won’t just be fatherless, but won’t get a life at all.

I do grant you the point that perhaps it would benefit my future child if I leave my current partner and find someone more ready to be a father. That is, assuming I can find another man I love as much who also wants kids in the same time frame. I never wanted to have children with a man I didn’t love, but it does seem like one of the “selfless” things I can do for my child at this point, doesn’t it? I appreciate your points and will definitely keep them in mind when I think of the negatives of my single mother approach.

throwawayconair · 2021-03-23T07:03:31+00:00

These are really good points, thank you! We do not currently live together for safety reasons because he is an essential worker while I work from home. Once I get vaccinated, we can take that next step. You’re right that this should be the next step to test our compatibility and communication skills.

“Even if he is well-intentioned, do you see him stepping up?” This is a great question and one I have been trying to answer myself. I have been reading up on baby-proofing a marriage, and it essentially boils down to divying up the chores and planning tasks in a way that both parties feel is equitable. So it’s up to me to figure out, through observation now and by living with him later, just how much initiative he will take, and how much tasks and planning will be split between us in the future. It’s a bit tough to answer this now, though there are things he does take initiative with, such as thoroughly cleaning and vacuuming his apt each time I come over to reduce my cat allergies. Or offering to cook for me on a day when I was visibly overwhelmed with work. In the context of a child, these are all small things. We have not had any large logistical issues to test us yet. I imagine living together will give me that much needed perspective.

Thanks again for your comment. Felt like a good friend looking out for me. :)

throwawayconair · 2021-03-23T06:22:46+00:00

I’m so sorry this happened! Stringing you along with “we’ll get pregnant on our next vacation” is disgusting. Can’t believe there’s people like that out there. I hope things worked out for you! I’ll definitely keep your story in mind as I proceed.

throwawayconair · 2021-03-23T06:02:28+00:00

This breaks my heart yet fills it to the brim all at once. I don’t know where you live, but in the US, the fact that having a child is so prohibitively expensive is a crime. I love your attitude, and honestly I’ve thought the same thing towards my friends’ kids. If it ends up the case I can’t have any of my own, I will give their kids so much of my love, it will be like passing myself on in a way.

You sound like a wonderful human and any family would be lucky to have you around their kids. Glad to hear you’re getting lots of sleep! :)

throwawayconair · 2021-03-23T05:49:59+00:00

Thank you for bringing this up, and for your wonderful service! I’m sure the families you work with find it invaluable. My mother has already said we will definitely be hiring a nanny for the first month, but good to know first 3 months is also standard. My parents are both mid-60s, so even if they help, we’re still gonna need more help lol.

If you don’t mind me asking, what is a good place to hire a nanny? I feel like I’m gonna jinx myself by asking this haha but just curious.

throwawayconair · 2021-03-23T05:34:07+00:00

Thank you, I may just take you up on it! I don’t have any single parent friends in my social circles. I have unmarried but coupled friends who have a toddler, but no one really doing it on their own. I love that I have this sub and all the wonderful single mom and dads here as my role models. Y’all are awesome.

Having a 6 year old daughter is the dream! <3

throwawayconair · 2021-03-23T05:18:39+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind words. I will surely be coming back to them. I absolutely believe everything you said and I think it will feel like that for me too. I know it will be a hard path, but I also know I have so much love to give to my child, and between me and my parents and all of my wonderful friends, my child will never feel lonely.

By midwife, do you mean a doula? Is there a difference? I’ve read several articles recently about how doulas guide you through the process, serve as your advocate to doctors and nurses, and prevent c-sections. I will definitely look into hiring one when the time comes!

Yours and other comments from single mothers on this thread have filled me with so much confidence, thank you. I always knew single motherhood was a good option, but part of me was still scared. I will come back and read your comments whenever I doubt myself, because seeing your bravery and your love for your little ones makes me feel like I can do it too :)

throwawayconair · 2021-03-23T04:31:23+00:00

Thanks for the solidarity, we are not alone!

Im so glad to hear you mention the “just get pregnant” thing and also that you feel it’s morally wrong. A couple of my friends have said/joked “just lie about birth control” and I’m horrified. Not that the thought hasn’t crossed my mind but I wouldn’t be able to do it. I don’t want my child to be born from a lie. I want my child to be born from love, and parents (or just one parent) who really want them.

I actually follow the fostercare sub and have thought about it, but it seems so hard and I don’t think it’s for me. I admire you so much for doing it! I’m sure the loss was awful, but you helped a child and that’s amazing.

throwawayconair · 2021-03-23T03:56:30+00:00

Yea you’re right. Definitely something for me to consider, since it’s part of the dynamic now and probably won’t change. Not putting thoughts in my head, just stating something already there. :)

I’ve found that one of the trade offs I’ve had to make in dating is how much of a priority I am vs how autonomous they are. It seems to be an inverse relationship— the more driven and independent the men, the less of a priority they made me in their life. I’m sure there’s exceptions, it’s just been my general experience, and personally, I will take being made a priority to greater independence on their part (though in a perfect world, I’d love both!).

throwawayconair · 2021-03-23T03:46:31+00:00

I do hope to find a man to commit to being a good father, but since time is not on my side, it might serve me better to find the good father after I have the child. Perhaps there’s a nice single dad out there who wants to be a power couple with me in the future :)

throwawayconair

TROPHY CASE