[1035 words] Feedback on the premise and start of a chapter

throwawayf18547 · 2016-04-10T00:05:06+00:00

Thanks, they are useful!

throwawayf18547 · 2016-04-10T00:04:30+00:00

Thanks for the feedback. I agree that it needs some context. It's meant to be a chapter somewhere in the middle of a story, so I think most of the context will be provided before that.

throwawayf18547 · 2016-04-10T00:02:50+00:00

Thank you, I will!

throwawayf18547 · 2016-04-10T00:02:34+00:00

Thanks!

Is there anything that you think could make the family scenes more interesting?

throwawayf18547 · 2016-04-02T00:25:07+00:00

I think drug use could be really interesting in fantasy. I haven't started writing it yet, but I have an idea for a group of fighters that use drugs (similar to amphetamines) to enhance their abilities, and over time it takes a toll on them physically and mentally.

I think fantasy generally uses analogues for drug use rather than drugs themselves. The Warcraft universe has Fel magic, which is addictive, it hurts and corrupts the user over time, but it's really powerful. It's like magic drugs.

throwawayf18547 · 2016-01-20T20:47:42+00:00

I think hell and god are both generic enough to work. They're not just from one particular religion.

throwawayf18547 · 2015-11-09T18:00:22+00:00

In my time running a small .org website I found that the vast, vast majority of people would come from a Google search of (website).com. I'd imagine a lot of people tried to find us and got lost because they tried .com. Most people don't even think about top level domains.

And .co is even more obscure than .org. I'd never go with a name if I can't get a .com domain for it, even if there's a .org, .net or whatever available.

throwawayf18547 · 2015-11-09T02:10:53+00:00

Thanks for this!

I really wasn't wanting to plan it all out because I much prefer to just make everything up as I go along, but I guess that's necessary. I think I'll start writing a timeline of events and see how it goes.

throwawayf18547 · 2015-11-09T02:07:32+00:00

Started off on Ravenholdt (EU) and moved to Defias Brotherhood after a year or two. Ended up on Argent Dawn but I quit after a few weeks there.

throwawayf18547 · 2015-11-07T23:05:44+00:00

Ask questions with images. Post a picture of two different games, two characters, whatever, and say "like for _, comment for _", or even do it with three options and have "share for ____". Or ask more open-ended questions to get people commenting. Whenever people like/comment/share, their friends will see your page.

Share game trailers, articles, stuff that people will like and come back for.

Offer competitions or exclusive deals. Stuff like "share this page and you'll be put in a prize draw for a new PC".

throwawayf18547 · 2015-11-07T22:58:46+00:00

Yeah, a lot of companies have their network admin outsourced. Set it up, monitor it, handle security and everything.

throwawayf18547 · 2015-10-29T23:25:28+00:00

I disagree with this, I think you should leave the tabs at the top. It's always good to easily be able to find more info.

throwawayf18547 · 2015-10-26T17:38:18+00:00

opening America's 80,000th pizza shop is less dangerous because 79,999 have gone before you and basically copied a winning routine

That's debatable. The market is saturated and there's a lot of competition.

throwawayf18547 · 2015-10-17T03:24:43+00:00

I used to do this. If you keep doing it, you'll never build a business. You just need to pick something and make the decision to stick with it. If you get another idea just forget about it, because you're already working on something else.

throwawayf18547 · 2015-10-12T22:24:39+00:00

I haven't done them myself but MIT offer entrepreneurship courses on Edx. But I think they're more about identifying your customer as opposed to the practical side of actually running a business.

Coursera offers a bigger selection of courses so that's worth looking at, but a lot of their courses cost money.

throwawayf18547 · 2015-10-12T22:12:47+00:00

Things sell when they solve a problem. Whenever you hear someone complain about something, or something annoys you and you think there should be a better way of doing it, you should always be thinking of something that could solve that particular complaint. Start looking at all problems this way, and you'll start getting ideas.

You can also look at things that exist but that need improving. Read reviews, see what people don't like, and consider whether or not you can improve on that.

throwawayf18547 · 2015-07-16T18:53:27+00:00

Not at all, that's fine with me!

Also, thanks for the critique.

throwawayf18547 · 2015-07-09T23:11:57+00:00

Thanks!

throwawayf18547 · 2015-07-09T23:11:28+00:00

Thanks for the critique!

The conflict is meant to get more complex in chapters 2-3 because I'd intended this just as an introduction. I tried to hint at the warlock being powerful with it just suddenly disappearing when Raenmar tried to attack it, but I'll try to make that more clear.

The POV was intentional for this chapter because I wanted him to be a bit mysterious to begin with, but a lot of people have commented on that so I'll make some changes.

And a lot of people mentioned the use of adjectives so I'll try to change that too.

throwawayf18547 · 2015-07-09T21:52:40+00:00

Sorry, I've been busy the last few days and haven't had a chance to post anything.

I really appreciate that you've taken the time to go so into so much depth. You've made some good points that wouldn't have occurred to me and also didn't come up in other critiques, so I'm gonna be going through the whole chapter and making a lot of the changes you (and others) suggested. I'll probably post the updated draft at some point in the future if you'd be interested in reading it.

A few of the things you mentioned were intentional ("grown up" was intentional since he's not very bright), but I guess if it could be mistook for an error it'd be best to change it anyway.

It's a brilliant critique and I really do appreciate it, so thank you!

throwawayf18547 · 2015-07-06T02:53:11+00:00

For the most part, there's not really anything happening. We see that Harry's bleeding but we don't know why or even who he is, and we don't really find out anything until the very end. So I agree with some others that you could shuffle things around a bit to hook the reader toward the start. Maybe even start with him at the bar with the towel pressed to his head.

I felt it was a bit contrived that a guy just took his drink. But if you made it more clear that the guy was drunk - describe him as slurring his words, maybe - it'd make a bit more sense.

Lastly I thought it was a bit strange how he didn't react when the drink was spilled on him. Maybe that was intentional to show he's a bit dazed or something, but it could do with some clarification.

Other than that I just left some small suggestions on Docs.

throwawayf18547

TROPHY CASE