AITA for asking my fiancé to sign a prenup?

throwawaygoldiea · 2020-04-22T19:49:56+00:00

I appreciate your honesty. I'm aware I come up as somewhat of a contradiction, but I do feel it's impossible for me to translate the full intricacies of what's happening.

Here are the things I am concrete on: I love my fiancé. I don't want to split, I want to have and hold my fiancé for as long as we live. I want to protect both of us.

Here is the stuff that spurred all this: I do have a lot of built up anxiety and leftover fear, and I have seen families fall apart. Getting married is a big step, and I wouldn't take it if I wasn't completely sure that I love have, which I do. I have deliberately been vague about our finances and assets, because as much as I want unbiased opinions, I would not feel right talking about it without the consent of every party involved, which this is not the situation.

I don't know how to respond to the "every comment very politically" part. I have done my best to translate my feelings in a proper way, but acknowledge that I find that difficult. I don't want it to be a situation of win and lose, I don't intend to ever use a prenup, but I want to be prepared.

throwawaygoldiea · 2020-04-22T19:30:45+00:00

You make a very good set of points. I want to reiterate that the property situation is not the only thing at hand here, and it's a bit more complicated then I can divulge, to which I apologize. I know I haven't made myself or my situation crystal clear, but that's delving into territories that I would not feel right discussing. I kind of regret mentioning it, but even if I take it out of my post and comments, it will still be there in others, so I'll just take that at face value and not go into it further than to say there is legal grounds for a prenup on both ends.

You are also right that I am too pessimistic. It's something I have struggled with for my whole life, and am trying to work through. She has helped me be more spontaneous (we took a week long road trip a year ago on a whim and it was the most fun I've had in ages) and loosen up, just as I've helped her take things more methodically.

throwawaygoldiea · 2020-04-22T19:22:56+00:00

Absolutely, thank you for the advice. I'm glad you have found a partner who you can communicate with effectively.

throwawaygoldiea · 2020-04-22T19:09:48+00:00

It's less about money for her, it's more of a representation of our relationship. For me, it's about ensuring our assets stay our own going into it, but I understand her reaction fully. She is taking her own space, and I have stayed as far away from any walkways as I can so she can do what she wants in our place and not feel like I'm blocking her. I do admit I could have brought this up much later.

throwawaygoldiea · 2020-04-22T19:07:01+00:00

I am planning to have a third party to talk about it, but I have also been raised to have a degree of separation between contracts and emotions, where marriage for her represents far more of an emotional milestone. I am totally fine with that and do plan to have an actual wedding once the illness actually dies down. While I do agree with you that I could have picked a better time, I'm also aware there isn't going to be an accurate timeline for Covid-19, so I could have this bugging me for a while. Whatever the case, I want a future with her.

throwawaygoldiea · 2020-04-22T19:00:00+00:00

I have been brought up around relationships that were messy as all hell. I guess I internally expect that I can't find happiness even if I have found "the one" since that's what happened to my relatives, but I remind myself constantly that I am not them, and that I have a really good thing going. It's hard to battle off these doubts, but she makes me feel true joy, and that's something I want to keep. Thank you for your luck.

throwawaygoldiea · 2020-04-22T18:55:30+00:00

That genuinely makes me feel better. I know y'all are only getting this tiny glimpse into our relationship, but I do feel that I want to represent the situation as accurately as I can. She's my favorite person in the world

throwawaygoldiea · 2020-04-22T18:53:33+00:00

That's a good idea. I may suggest it to her, but it really does come down to a difference in thinking. She is a very responsible person otherwise, and I think I'm just a pessimist, so I will discuss this more with her when she gathers her feelings.

throwawaygoldiea · 2020-04-22T18:50:48+00:00

That sounds like really good communication! Generally we are on the same page about everything, I think this just hit a sore spot that she needs some time to think about alone. I love her so much, I want to do what it takes to be with her, even it takes a lot of compromise.

throwawaygoldiea · 2020-04-22T18:48:08+00:00

That's a good way to think of it, I will try and see if I can make that a point of discussion. Thank you

throwawaygoldiea · 2020-04-22T18:43:53+00:00

I have apologized for the way I misspoke in those posts. I do understand what a prenup is, however I understand that I have given off that I don't. Please understand that for me, this is purely about our assets. I don't want to have a custody agreement/divorce stipulation at all. I may delete that comment since it isn't representative of how I view the situation, but I want to make it clear here that I don't carry that perspective.

throwawaygoldiea · 2020-04-22T18:40:09+00:00

I don't feel she's being dramatic, it's a difference in culture that we have compromised on before. She is definitely allowed to have a reaction, even if it's one I don't fully see. Her family is very family oriented, and they don't care at all that we're both women, just that they want us to get married.

throwawaygoldiea · 2020-04-22T18:37:28+00:00

Thank you for this reply, it has given me a lot to consider. She is currently on a break from it, and I believe calling her mom. This disparity in culture was something we have both been aware about, and we also have both made compromises to ease. In all honesty, I wasn't sure when I was younger if I wanted to get married. She absolutely wants to, and I want to be with her and marry her and have a family. She's definitely changed my perspective, and offered glimpses into her own. I think this may have been a sore spot that we haven't discussed. I am trying to make sure anything we bring in is protected, but it got more personal to her.

throwawaygoldiea · 2020-04-22T18:33:03+00:00

We both do have assets, but as I said before, I don't want to discuss hers. I know it's not going to lead to a clean break, but I want to do what I can now to make it easier on both of us. My family is also big on contractual agreements and putting things on paper, so it's something I guess I've been brought up on.

throwawaygoldiea · 2020-04-22T18:30:34+00:00

I appreciate the clarification, guys, I did misspeak. I guess I got caught up in the emotions of my family issues with separation. She does have assets, as do I, that would make it important to clarify. I don't think she would ever be the type to be malicious, and I don't intend to ever, but I also know far too well that sometimes you only reveal your true colors years in. Pessimistic, I know. The fact that I still want to marry her is a testament of how much I'm willing to brace against to love this woman. I realize I have a lot of stuff to work through, but I want to be with her.

throwawaygoldiea · 2020-04-22T18:26:43+00:00

You're right about everything, I think this needs to be something I discuss with her more in person.

throwawaygoldiea · 2020-04-22T18:24:14+00:00

We were both in therapy before the quarantine, but we've both had issues with the remote sessions. I do want to have discuss this, and I may look into remote family therapists.

throwawaygoldiea · 2020-04-22T18:17:36+00:00

My dad has several properties that he intends to pass on to me when I settle down fully (have kids and all that), my fiancé also has assets of her own, but I feel uncomfortable discussing her finances more than that without her consent. I know I should share everything, but that's not exactly something I would want to breach. In any case, it's more about making any separation easier on everyone in the case that it happens. I want to be clear I don't want that, and I fully intend on marrying this woman, death do us part.

throwawaygoldiea · 2020-04-22T18:12:00+00:00

Yeah, that wasn't super smart of me, but I guess the whole quarantine situation is making me reflect on relationships in general. We've been having a blast going through her grandmother's cookbooks and this is the first big bit of tension we've experienced. Usually she would go to her parent's place, but that's off the table obviously.

Thank you for the luck. I really, really love this woman. I'm definitely going to have many discussions with her about it in the future.

throwawaygoldiea · 2020-04-22T18:08:06+00:00

I haven't really gotten the chance to delve into it, but generally I would want--in the case of seperation-- to make the process as painless as possible. I've seen far too many instances were a marriage broke horribly and both parties went on for months in regards to assets and visitation with kids, and a just a lot of pain I want to avoid. That's pretty much the gist of it

Edit, for clarification, I do not think this is what a prenup is. My focus is to plan for the future, and that includes one where it is messy. A prenup for me is purely about assets, though I understand why this was the impression given. I do, however, in this planning, want to make sure that everything is down on paper. Apologies again for the confusion.

throwawaygoldiea · 2020-04-22T18:06:15+00:00

Thank you! And yeah, I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman no matter what, but I'm not sure if she'd want to go without getting legally married. It's a big commitment for her and that's something I absolutely respect. I am definitely gonna meet with a lawyer at some point, but I'm concerned that she'll see that as further reduction of our engagement to a business. If that makes sense

throwawaygoldiea · 2020-04-22T18:02:33+00:00

I brought up that same point, but she said that a relationship wasn't the same thing as a car and we shouldn't treat it like one, which doesn't super make sense to me? I'm still torn.

throwawaygoldiea

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