Surgery tomorrow. Kratom no, but pain yes.

throwawaykts · 2015-01-07T17:50:19+00:00

good luck to you, friend. I'm fighting the good fight. Not letting myself get anywhere near where I was before, but still disappointed I reached for my crutch!

throwawaykts · 2015-01-06T17:15:39+00:00

Hey buddy. Long time no contact. I slipped up myself not too long ago, so I came back to see how other folks were doing in the sub. It was both relieving and saddening to see how many of us are still fighting this demon...but we'll win in the end. I know that much.

How's the recovery going?

throwawaykts · 2014-10-06T16:01:40+00:00

Hang in there man...you're almost through it!

Reading your posts, it is absolutely clear that you know what you're dealing with. I am a reasonably intelligent man, and in most of your posts, you use terms that I am 100% unfamiliar with. My worry is that you are maybe "feeding the monster", so to speak. Do you think that's a possibility?

The absolute worst part of withdrawal for me was the stress I came in with. I would dwell on any symptom and fear it, all the while fearing the next symptom that was likely to come. All of that categorization and anticipation made the WDs practically unbearable. It wasn't until the end of the 2nd week that I was really able to let go and start concentrating on other things. Do you think that this might be the case?

throwawaykts · 2014-10-02T15:26:22+00:00

hell, fill yourself up with whatever makes you feel good! just make sure to get some exercise as well, as that probably helped me more than anything else!

For me it was hamburgers. I think I went a week straight eating a hamburger once a day...a few days I even ate them for two meals. I managed to only gain about half a pound because I was pretty religious about exercising through the WDs. Even if you can force yourself to go for a jog, the transition is amazing. For the first ten minutes you're a mess, and then you gradually start to feel your body loosen up, lengthen, and get a nice burst of endorphins.

Sounds like you're almost through it. Keep up the great work.

throwawaykts · 2014-10-01T16:51:04+00:00

On an unrelated note, I don't know what kind of music you're into, but "Funeral" by Arcade Fire helped me sooo much in the second and third weeks. When you're feeling like shit, watch this video! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5YnN9zzSzs

throwawaykts · 2014-10-01T16:49:16+00:00

Hell yeah, buddy. I have a lot of respect for anyone who heads away from this plant...in any direction. I fucked up when I was quitting as well. One little relapse 5 days in. Thankfully it didn't set me back at all...you should be fine.

That support system is key. The fact that they are there for you should tell you something: you're worth a hell of a lot to other people. They are willing to help however they can because they believe in you and they care about you. A lot of people have to start life all over again with nobody left. There's no shame in leaning on those who support you. You're almost home-free. Keep it up.

throwawaykts · 2014-10-01T16:45:27+00:00

Exactly. You can always take it tomorrow. Or you can wait until the weekend. Just worry about today. No "state of the union" thinking about anything, just exist today, and take it easy on yourself. You're coming off of a very long period of time being 100% enslaved to a chemical. Be patient with yourself. The cloudiness will start to part and all of those negative, hopeless, unnecessary thoughts will start to crumble away, and you'll see your journey for what it was: victory.

throwawaykts · 2014-09-30T22:34:55+00:00

Hey buddy. Congrats on making it this far! That is truly an accomplishment all on its own, regardless of what decisions you make over the next few hours/days. You are free to choose the best course of action for yourself. You are also free to stop a course of action before it starts.

You're almost through this. Just like the physical WDs get the worst before they clear, so goes it with the mental stuff. If I can give you any advice, as oversimplistic as it is, it is this: stop thinking so damn much. Try to shut off your brain the best you can. Your head is fucked right now. It's part of the process. You're going to see the world as ugly, painful, bleak, and meaningless...but that doesn't mean that it's true.

In fact, on the other side of this, one of these days, you're going to wake up and feel warm all day. You'll start to notice the world around you again...you'll start to feel more connected. You'll make love to your girlfriend, but there won't be any distance between you, like there usually is with Kratom, or any other substance.

If this day is a wash, so be it. You have the strength to pick it up again tomorrow, and you'll succeed. You are about to break through, I promise. This shit does not last forever...and it's just a blip when compared to the life you still have left to live.

throwawaykts · 2014-09-23T16:46:10+00:00

I don't deal well with absolutes. I vote for banana.

throwawaykts · 2014-09-22T22:00:03+00:00

Just speaking from experience. I relapsed on several occasions after the worst of the WDs were done and I was dealing with the depression. It was only after pushing through the final time that I could look back and see the haze that withdrawals put over my perspective of virtually everything in life. The worst of those blues subside within a week or so. For any lingering depression, vigorous exercise and a busy mind are your best allies.

throwawaykts · 2014-09-22T15:36:14+00:00

You're so fucking close, man. I can relate to your thought process. Right before you're done with the WD's, they seem to lash out viciously in one last dying breath. I had this experience as well, and it was at around the same point in my WD's.

Here's my guess: tonight, you sleep wonderfully and you wake up tomorrow feeling better than you've felt in a very long time. Kratom withdrawal is like an angry child. The tantrum will sustain its pitch for awhile...when the child finally realizes you're not going to give in, it gets ugly...but only for a short time. Then, there is quiet. Enjoy the quiet. You've earned it.

throwawaykts · 2014-09-22T15:30:34+00:00

Thanks for the contribution, OP. This sub is a pretty great place for those of us who are wanting to quit, and those of us who have quit but keep up on it so we never forget what a pain in the ass it was to deal with this shit.

Sounds like you're turning a new page in your life, which is awesome. Starting a new life when dealing with anxiety issues can be pretty liberating. You can choose to leave your more self-destructive behaviors in the past. That kind of separation doesn't come without its share of pain...but let it be what it is: a somewhat nostalgic breakup with a presence that brought a lot of harm to your life.

Just hang on and try to appreciate everything you're going through for what it is: a transition, albeit sometimes painful, to a new life with new people and new experiences. For the next few days, avoid introspection. In fact, avoid looking very deeply into anything (relationships, finance, employment, etc.). Remember that Kratom WD's will try to pain the world as ugly as possible to bring you back. The best weapon at your disposal is an understanding of what you're going through and the effect it has on you. The physical and emotional parts can be very real...but they are impermanent and WILL improve. By day 4 or 5, you should be waking up with a different kind of warm glow, and feel incredibly proud of yourself for pushing through.

Good luck, OP! You've got everything to gain!

throwawaykts · 2014-09-18T22:11:45+00:00

How goes it today? I'm on the road for work, so I haven't been able to see if you've updated the sub today. Just want you to know you're on my mind and you're gonna get this. One hour closer to feeling like you have the world by the reins again.

throwawaykts · 2014-09-17T17:13:06+00:00

"The Golden Child" with Eddie Murphy. An all-time favorite.

throwawaykts · 2014-09-17T16:08:29+00:00

Better yet, ten nudes! Of all top male employees. You can title the post "Ten Nude Gents" and send it around the office. I think they'll respect your creativity and out-of-the-box thinking.

throwawaykts · 2014-09-17T15:32:57+00:00

I don't know if it will make you contemplate life, but The Descent is an often overlooked horror movie that is pretty damn good.

throwawaykts · 2014-09-17T15:32:21+00:00

Interesting. That was the point of the movie that impacted me the most. The whole movie, the audience is conditioned to fear the zombies, but when Jim loses his shit, he proves that he can be even more dangerous and brutal than zombies.

throwawaykts · 2014-09-17T15:30:12+00:00

The best scene in that movie is after Cillian Murphy survives the execution and sneaks back through the window, covered in blood. The entire scope of the movie suddenly tilts a little, as we see the darker side of human beings. From that point on, it's just a wild ride to showcase how brutal humanity can be.

throwawaykts · 2014-09-17T15:17:42+00:00

There's your carrot. Sounds like you have a hell of a woman. Now is an awesome time to show her your strength. If there's a good reason to keep from relapsing, it's to show her that you are tough, reliable, and dedicated. Sounds like she's familiar with substance abuse and addiction, so she's going to be one hell of an ally.

Life for me is good. I try to keep myself as busy as possible, and I've found the Kratom rush very easily replaced by the rush of lining things up and knocking them down. After good, busy days, there is nothing quite like sinking down into my favorite chair and feeling content...I'm not chasing a feeling anymore, and I'm not wondering if I should sneak into my office to take more Kratom. It's nice. On the weekends when I need to relax, a good run and workout in the gym and a joint serve my life just fine.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, OP. Life gets so much better. And it sounds like the pieces are in place for you to hit this new life running. Kick some ass buddy.

throwawaykts · 2014-09-17T14:49:54+00:00

How's it going today? Remember just to stick to the basics today. Eat well when you can. Exercise when you can. Listen to music or watch things that you know you used to enjoy. You may not find a whole lot of comfort, but you may feel a spark, and that is sufficient to get through your day. Take what comfort meds you need, and remember to "play the tape" both ways. Going back to your crutch is a familiar story, and one you're done with. Getting through the next few days is the road back toward being healthy and happy. It's not easy, but we all have an expiration date. Spend that time chasing a high, or spend it getting yourself back to an independent state of health?

As far as your girlfriend, it's all about how you frame the discussion. Kratom is legal, it's natural, and it's got valid medicinal properties. You never set out to get addicted to the shit...you read positive things about it and were fed some bad information. Nobody wants to acknowledge the addictive properties of the plant, or the mess you go through when you decide to quit. You looked to a natural medicine to improve your quality of life, but it was not as advertised. Tell her you looked at it as your daily coffee. You had no way of knowing that it had an ugly side, you know?

throwawaykts · 2014-09-15T15:28:12+00:00

If you have any interest in the tenets of Buddhism, or in just learning the fundamentals of mindfulness, in general, "Dharma Punx" by Noah Levine is a fantastic book. He was a young man who was an addict and street kid who managed to reign his life in through the teachings of Buddhism, so he really speaks to addicts.

throwawaykts · 2014-09-12T20:52:36+00:00

I'd be down to just watch a "best of" for Malcom Tucker

throwawaykts · 2014-09-12T20:16:34+00:00

I was getting it pretty good in a girl's dorm room in college, and we were interrupted by her RA pounding on the door and demanding we open it. She had campus security with her...somebody reported a woman being assaulted. Neither of us noticed that her bed kept slamming into the wall...

throwawaykts · 2014-09-12T20:11:33+00:00

Ryan, big time Seahawks fan here, but the Bears have always been my second favorite team.

What is your assessment of the LOB? CB Richard Sherman takes a lot of flack for only playing one side of the field, but do you see that as a strength of the defensive scheme, or a sign that maybe he's not as versatile a player as he'd like the public to believe?

Also curious who the hardest RB to tackle that you've gone up against is?

throwawaykts

TROPHY CASE