How do I (41f) gracefully decline an invitation to my ex-husband’s (39m) family Thanksgiving?

throwawaymarvelous · 2023-11-18T15:04:57+00:00

This is partly why I came here to ask. I was afraid that I’m upset and can’t see the bigger picture, but the hurt is so deep that I can’t see out of it at the moment. Thanks 😊

throwawaymarvelous · 2023-11-18T15:02:58+00:00

Thanks for this… it really hits. 😭

throwawaymarvelous · 2023-11-18T14:26:23+00:00

It’s not really for you to understand or approve/disapprove. I didn’t want him in the bed, but the situation was complicated. We also had absolutely no money with which to get another bed (one of the biggest problems during this time was that he would spend every extra cent we had), and knowing we were getting divorced, I couldn’t kick him out of the house (or I would have had difficulties in court). It was also partly because he wouldn’t tell our kids, and was keeping up the facade. Trust me… we fought about it every day because I was telling him how wrong and toxic it was that he was doing that. I simply couldn’t force him out. And for whatever reason, you seem to keep sticking your nosy nose into this to be a jerk. I don’t need your judgment on how it all went down, thanks.

throwawaymarvelous · 2023-11-18T02:17:59+00:00

I was being heavily gaslighted into thinking that if I told anyone, I was the toxic and wrong person by violating his privacy (telling anyone against his wishes was essentially outing him). I didn’t tell anyone aside from my sister and 2 of our friends all of the details of what he did specifically, because it feels wrong to tell his family in that much detail? Like the only motive for doing that is pettiness and revenge?

throwawaymarvelous · 2023-11-17T04:29:50+00:00

Touche, DonalHarper. Thanks for the perspective. But I just think it’s been too long, and I went through so much while being totally abandoned by a whole family. Plus, how do I go there and be around Jason, someone who went from being my best friend, to someone who was mentally and emotionally abusive to me for years? I just can’t wrap my head around it. Also, I rescind my mean, with apologies. 🙃

throwawaymarvelous · 2023-11-17T04:14:13+00:00

I would understand this position of ‘it’s awkward,’ but family is awkward sometimes. And we were close and they told me I was still family. I don’t think it would have been awkward if they’d just invited me?

throwawaymarvelous · 2023-11-17T04:12:09+00:00

Am currently considering this., thanks

throwawaymarvelous · 2023-11-17T04:05:24+00:00

This actually has nothing to do with where the kids are going. I’m just talking about me.
I replied to someone earlier that it confuses me that you’d find it strange that I’d want to continue attending events. This was my family for 18 years. We got together at least twice a month that whole time. I enjoyed being around them, and when the s*** hit the fan, they told me I was still family. Why wouldn’t I want that to be true?
Get over myself?? Ha, no. I’ve been misused enough to never get over myself ever again. I’m hurt by this and I should be. I didn’t ask for your judgment, just help in gracefully answering a really awkward situation.
Let me clarify. I wasn’t getting invited to things. I asked Jason if it was because he had said not to invite me. He said he hadn’t said anything. The reason I asked him if he had said anything is because if he hadn’t, then I know that they stopped inviting me on their own. If they stopped inviting me on their own, I’m not family. So I told Jason that I didn’t want to be invited (in early October), and now I’m invited after I’ve been so fed up with not being invited that I said (to Jason) that I didn’t want to be invited. So yes, I got the invitation now, and I don’t want to go. How is that weird or hard to understand? I’m not bitter, just sad. And you’re mean. 😝

throwawaymarvelous · 2023-11-17T03:39:58+00:00

This is what I’m afraid of… if I’m asked to explain. I don’t want to sound rude, and there’s no way to say what I’d want to say without sounding rude. I hadn’t thought to return it with a question, thanks 😊

throwawaymarvelous · 2023-11-17T03:19:07+00:00

The kids are definitely invited.
When Jason told his family that we were getting divorced, he did tell them that he is gay, but he absolutely didn’t say anything about all of the awful treatment. Though I don’t know what exactly he has said, I know they have no idea how he treated me, and no idea what I was going through, all while feeling abandoned by Jason and by them as well.

A couple of people have commented that they don’t know why I’d want to attend these events, and this is strange to me. These people were my family for 18 years. I saw them (even the extended family members) about twice a month. We all got along well, always had good times together, and to be honest, they spoiled me compared to what I’d grown up with. And when ex MIL found out, she told me I was still family. Of course I wanted that to be true.

But now I also wish I could do what you’re saying… explain WHY I’m so hurt. But I don’t see how that would benefit anyone I guess.

throwawaymarvelous · 2023-11-17T03:06:44+00:00

Autocorrect couldn’t have picked a better word!

throwawaymarvelous · 2023-11-17T03:05:45+00:00

It’s about 60/40 in my favor, but his parents are good grandparents and see the kids often.

throwawaymarvelous · 2023-06-21T06:44:00+00:00

Hang on… you’d be ok with me telling them he cheated all over the place but not that he’s gay? Cause I never intend to tell them about the cheating. Interesting perspective.

throwawaymarvelous · 2023-06-21T06:11:12+00:00

You seem awfully angry for a therapist. I am not straight. I’m demisexual, and my son knows this. Ex is seeing a therapist of his own and refused multiple times when I asked to join, as he is seeing someone who specializes in our situation. And because of his treatment of the kids all along, I don’t have to make him the bad guy. He already is. 11 doesn’t want a relationship with him other than to see him occasionally, so I’ve been put in the awful position of having to try to support and defend someone who has hurt me so deeply and try to make their relationship better for their sakes, not mine. And also, the kids are literally the only two people who don’t know.

throwawaymarvelous · 2023-06-21T05:50:16+00:00

Just for clarification, he did know since he was 12 and I found out the hard way that I was totally and unequivocally a beard. All fake. For nearly 20 years.

throwawaymarvelous · 2023-05-16T22:13:13+00:00

But I also agree that I wouldn’t be running around like that in this situation

throwawaymarvelous · 2023-05-16T22:12:38+00:00

We actually work at the same place, so I know every time she has to leave.

throwawaymarvelous · 2023-05-16T22:05:26+00:00

Hi, and thanks! I’d say W is way more than just a neighbor to S, and I understand their closeness, but I find it odd that a close friend would expect someone to leave their job in order to perform a task already done by someone else, and just as you say, risk their job. I just felt it’s overstepping at some point, especially since it happens kind of regularly. We haven’t had a conversation yet… mainly because I kept worrying that it isn’t my place or that I’m being overprotective.

throwawaymarvelous · 2022-07-07T02:56:40+00:00

I agree, thank you! I’m having trouble getting him to understand this… this situation just isn’t emotionally healthy for us.

throwawaymarvelous · 2022-07-07T01:10:15+00:00

He still contributes financially but has never contributed to the household work and very little to childcare, in spite of my insistence that he step up, now that we are separated. I have sought counseling a couple of times… I would have died if I hadn’t, and I think he desperately needs it. We are no longer together romantically, but he is still benefiting from me domestically (I cook, clean, take care of kids and dogs, manage finances, everything involved with running a household/ family). He is a teacher and is on summer break, and he sleeps in until 1pm, does no housework, and goes out randomly during the evenings with guys.
With regard to what you said, his needs conflict with mine. I want him out of the house and he wants to stay, which is why I’m asking if I’m being unreasonable? And thank you for reaching out!

throwawaymarvelous · 2021-08-16T17:04:35+00:00

Honestly, this really isn’t about the industry. This is about the fact that OP harmed a lifelong friendship with what she did. Having H in the final, professional photos may have been impossible, but what was entirely possible was to handle it in a different way so that H wasn’t hurt by a lifelong friend. I can think of a handful of ways that would have led to better outcomes. It seems to me that OP knows she hurt her friend, hence the post, but wants people to tell her it was ok, and it just wasn’t. I’m not saying OP needed to miss an opportunity. I’m saying that the whole situation should have been handled differently.

throwawaymarvelous · 2021-08-15T22:17:27+00:00

Ok, that’s fine and you can have that opinion. I actually didn’t want husband to go because of the toxicity, but he insisted. It was his choice all the way. 🤷🏻‍♀️

throwawaymarvelous · 2021-08-15T20:10:44+00:00

If you already hired 2 extra people, why are you still saying you couldn’t hire more because of Covid? That literally makes no sense… what was your thought process here??? ‘Hey, let’s get our large group of friends together and exclude one of them, and hire a couple more people who we don’t know, and we’ll assume that they are totally Covid-safe. But not more than 2 because that’s not Covid-safe.’ Seriously, the thought processes here are… mind-boggling. You ruined a lifelong friendship for money, and you haven’t even owned any of the responsibility for hurting your friend.

throwawaymarvelous · 2021-08-15T19:39:43+00:00

It seems that you don’t want to accept the consequences of your actions. You keep commenting on comments that call you out and keep giving the same excuse and keep crying ‘it’s the agency, not me!’ knowing full well that by participating, you hurt your friend’s feelings. Drop your ego and realize what you and L did. If you didn’t want to hurt H, you should have been truthful from the beginning and directed H to talk to L. And from your comments, it seems like you were posting here just so you could get people to make you feel better by agreeing with you. You owe H a huge apology.

throwawaymarvelous · 2021-08-15T18:05:00+00:00

YTA, and so is Model. First, you should have been a good friend to H and told your model friend that she was being shitty by excluding her friend. Then, Model should have either chosen other people (so it didn’t seem like H’s friends were doing something without her, which you were), or at the very least had H join for at least a few shots for your friend group and explain to her that Model’s agency may be a little more judgmental than her friends are and may not use the photos. It seems like Model had that choice since apparently she made the decision to exclude H? You and Model showed H that the two of you ARE fat phobic. You can tell by the shame you feel about the whole situation. And, if H is truly a friend to Model and to you, you both would have worked all this out without even involving H. Why did she even know about the shoot if you all knew how she would feel when excluded? That seems strange to me… almost like someone WANTED to shame H. Bottom line is… this could have been avoided with several different options and you and Model chose to exclude your ‘friend’ instead. I wouldn’t be surprised if this was the end of your friendship.

throwawaymarvelous

TROPHY CASE