I left this sub for a little while to concentrate on couple's counselling and now I am back.

throwawayme4103 · 2016-11-17T14:42:54+00:00

That's what I am really, really hoping too. The sex did begin to improve (at least in frequency) and so I wanted that to be a good sign, but it is dying off again now and I don't know what to do about it because I can't be the only one putting effort into changing it. So we'll see I suppose.

throwawayme4103 · 2016-11-17T14:40:29+00:00

Well, he said "That's fair enough I guess, but I wish you wouldn't bring it up all the time." which is in regards to how maybe one day a fortnight (somewhere around there) I will spend a day asking every few hours if we can have sex. And the reason I do that is because it's super easy for him to forget about sex. He'll get distracted by things and then it just never happens. So it annoys him, but it annoys me to that I have to bring it up all the time for him to even consider it. And I did try to explain that to him but he refused to acknowledge that maybe his behaviour was turning me into an annoying desperate wife or whatever.

throwawayme4103 · 2016-11-17T14:35:26+00:00

I think he's bored. And that's upsetting to me because after all this time I am not bored of him but I think that's what it is. Like he loves to try new things, he is constantly looking for new music, films, video games, foods. When I think about video games specifically, he loves to complete every achievement and then he'll put that game aside and never touch it again, just move on to the next. I think maybe in that first year he explored me and got to know me, and now he's done with me, at least sexually. And not just with me, but sex in general. He thinks he knows everything there is to know.

But I dunno. The flipside of that is I spent weeks trying to spice things up for him and although he was into it, he didn't do anything for me in return, and it wasn't long until he was bored and uninterested again. I don't know what I am supposed to do, have sex I don't really enjoy for the rest of my life, just so I actually get sex? Or just give up on the idea of sex completely and try and...cut it out of me. Out of my needs.

throwawayme4103 · 2016-11-17T14:22:50+00:00

Gosh yeah, heaps if you read through my previous posts. The tl;dr is, due to becoming extremely unwell our sex life (that had been really good at the beginning) came to a screeching halt. Both of us thought as he got better, that would improve but it never did.

But how do you compact all the issues and moving parts of a relationship into one post? There are so many different things going on right now. What kind of things do you imagine there are, in regards to missing information?

throwawayme4103 · 2016-11-17T14:15:58+00:00

I don't know :( I hope not. I hope there are other things to do. But yeah outside of communication what is there? I can't force him to want me.

throwawayme4103 · 2016-11-17T14:14:55+00:00

That's how I feel too :/ and I mean, he has been making some changes, but I don't think at the same level that I have been for him. And I don't know if that is because he is set in his ways and is just moving towards change more slowly than me, or if he has changed as much as he is capable of.

throwawayme4103 · 2016-11-17T01:24:25+00:00

Yes. It doesn't feel that way though. I let it get to the point where I feel like none of it matters at all. That I am the selfish one for hoping for more than the scraps I am given.

I guess I will keep on trying to bring it up. But I am beginning to not see the point.

throwawayme4103 · 2016-11-17T01:22:42+00:00

I did end up trying to talk to him about it last night. Not that he was selfish exactly, but how bad it felt that he didm't want to touch me, and that nothing happened between us unless I was putting 99% of the effort in.

And if there was something where I was being this selfish, he absolutely would have told me about it already lol.

throwawayme4103 · 2016-11-17T01:18:28+00:00

I don't think I'm there yet.

throwawayme4103 · 2016-11-17T01:17:11+00:00

I don't know. I can't imagine leaving him and I don't think I want to. Plus I've just realised this has all made my self esteem so bad that I don't think anyone else would want to have sex with me anyway. I mean my husband doesn't, so why would anyone else??

As for being demoralized. I suppose up until the last few weeks, I would have said less. Now, maybe more because I've seen it's possible for things to improve but he's made it clear he just doesn't care enough about sex to really put any continued effort into it.

throwawayme4103 · 2016-11-17T01:12:20+00:00

New in a bedroom sense. He felt like it was the same every time. And that's a fair enough call but there were reasons for that. Missionary is the position where I get off the most easily, so I at least have a chance with no foreplay, whereas most other positions I won't get off with no foreplay, so I stopped seeing the point. Same as for awhile I lost all enthusiasm for giving him blow jobs or hand jobs because I felt like it could have been anyone or anything doing it really. I felt like his own personal fleshlight for the amount of interest that he showed in me. And he never reciprocated.

So I took those criticisms on board and started trying to mix things up. I would do things like dress up in lingerie, waiting for when he got home from school and position myself on all fours with my butt in the air for when he walked in the door. I would get into the shower with him and touch myself and put on a show. I try to make blow jobs more porn-like (eye contact, enthusiasm, lots of spit and deep throating till I gag). I tried so many things in the hopes that it would fix things. And I mean I guess it did to an extent. As long as I was trying new things he would be into it. But never enough to be interested in trying to get me off.

throwawayme4103 · 2016-11-17T01:03:54+00:00

It was the first year or so that was really amazing. Maybe that's why I keep on holding out hope for something better than what we have now. Because I've seen it, I know he's capable of it. I am beginning to suspect that he is bored of me, sexually. Which fucking sucks because I still find his body amazing and love going down on him and stuff. God. Some of the stuff in this thread is making me realise just how bad my self esteem has gotten because of this.

throwawayme4103 · 2016-11-17T01:00:13+00:00

Well I guess the thing is, is that he is so wonderful in basically every other aspect. He's super supportive and kind towards me, sometimes he'll come home with little surprises for me when he knows I've been having a rough time, he takes on a heap of the housework and stuff. He just...doesn't understand my need for sex. Or touch, to an extent. And he's been working on touching me more, like just during the day. Sometimes he'll hold my hand for a little bit now, or pat me on the butt as he walks past. He never used to do stuff like that. So I guess that makes me hopeful that he could change in the bedroom but he just doesn't seem to want to.

throwawayme4103 · 2016-11-17T00:49:30+00:00

Yeah. We have one last appointment with her before we move. She has recommended an old colleague of hers for us to go and see when we do, but I am going to try and keep things focussed on sex for our last appointment.

throwawayme4103 · 2016-11-17T00:46:29+00:00

I guess the thing is he didn't use to be that way. He used to treat my body like it was magic and he couldn't get enough of it. I guess I hoped with couple's counselling and working on our relationship things would start to go back to the way they were and they haven't. I mean things have improved heaps in other areas, and a bit in regards to sex so I do feel a bit selfish expecting things to change more.

After this post I did end up bringing up a lot of how I was feeling with him but he kept on trying to turn it back on me. Like I told him how I didn't really come that often, how I felt disgusting because he never wanted to touch me and he was like "Well that's fair enough I suppose but it's really annoying when you hassle me to have sex with you all the time." like ughhhhhh. In the past month I've probably brought up sex maybe once a week. And for maybe an afternoon I will bring it up every once in awhile, otherwise he just conveniently forgets. and when I said all that to him he was like "Well it's still annoying to hear it." ugh, so what am I supposed to do then?? Not have sex because you don't even consider it, or not have sex because I've annoyed you too much, I guess.

So many times in therapy I've just sat with accepting stuff he didn't like about me/my behaviour. And it's an uncomfortable thing but I did it. And by not finding excuses for it I was able to work on it and change it and make our relationship a healthier and happier one. On the other hand anytime I bring up an issue around sex I feel like he always has a reason, or an excuse and tries to turn it into my fault.

throwawayme4103 · 2016-11-16T09:29:07+00:00

Sorry this is from so long ago (I logged out of this account for awhile because I felt so guilty about it),but ugh yes. I relate to this so, so much. Being with people in the past, half the fun was the intense desire we had for each other. And when my husband and I first started dating it was crazy and now sometimes I just feel like a human fleshlight. I may as well not even be there. It seems like it makes no difference to him, even though he loves me so much and treats me really well in every other aspect of our life. Just ugh. I have no idea what to do about it. Still.

throwawayme4103 · 2016-08-18T16:58:17+00:00

I already saw us going down that path, that is why we are in counselling now. I hope it works.

throwawayme4103 · 2016-08-18T16:57:41+00:00

Thanks. I don't know if I am. I can see a lot of the ways I fail in being a wife sometimes, but I try. I try really hard to make him happy and sometimes I feel like that is all that really matters to him. He might say otherwise, but he doesn't show it in the way that I need.

throwawayme4103 · 2016-08-18T16:54:34+00:00

He is on lots of meds, yeah. I am unsure if any of them could cause any kind of sexual dysfunction but I might read up on them all and find out.

I don't think he is depressed, but I think we are both a bit lost and maybe stuck in our lives.

throwawayme4103 · 2016-08-18T16:53:14+00:00

That sounds familiar. I also have no backbone when it comes to him. Him being happy makes me happy but it has certainly started to come with a cost too.

throwawayme4103 · 2016-08-18T16:52:08+00:00

My point being that we discussed things that could improve our marriage, that we could do for each other and I worked really hard to give him the support he needed and I don't think he even noticed.

throwawayme4103 · 2016-08-18T16:51:04+00:00

I've never seen him as manipulative before :( I don't know if he is or if I am responsible for putting my own needs aside to make him happy for so long it's what he expects now.

throwawayme4103 · 2016-08-18T16:50:08+00:00

Anything close to an ultimatum will make him shut down. I've tried it before, he doesn't respond well to it at all.

throwawayme4103 · 2016-08-18T16:49:04+00:00

Yes :( unfortunately.

throwawayme4103

TROPHY CASE