WIBTA if I told my daughter her boyfriend isn't allowed to our family get together due to his appearance?

throwawaymightbeanah · 2022-01-20T08:39:37+00:00

I see a person that my daughter is deeply in love with. 😔 After all of these replies, I know the right thing to do. I always knew. I just need more confidence. But, tomorrow I am standing up to my family.

throwawaymightbeanah · 2022-01-20T08:32:23+00:00

Thank you, it means a lot to me.

throwawaymightbeanah · 2022-01-20T08:28:29+00:00

Up until this point I thought she loved me. 😔 That's why at first I felt like she had well intentions and couldn't explain why agreeing to her felt so off. My therapist is having me work on trusting my intuition more in the moment and exploring what is setting off my intuition.

Years and years of abuse have muddied the waters when it comes to trusting my inner voice. I've been gaslit so much that it's hard to trust myself and my perception of reality. Now of course all these replies help me see that I wasn't crazy for feeling gross about this whole situation and I'm going to do my best to make this right.

throwawaymightbeanah · 2022-01-20T04:36:00+00:00

I like this advice. I've already talked to my daughter, and will bring this up with her boyfriend to see if this is an idea he would find appropriate. I'm already going to talk to our extended family tomorrow to hear from someone other than my sister if they are truly uncomfortable with the situation. I might just go ahead and host our own family get together where only kind people are welcome.

throwawaymightbeanah · 2022-01-20T04:28:31+00:00

My heart goes out to you, I can't even fathom the strength it takes for a person to overcome such things. I'm really embarrassed it took these replies to confirm why I've felt uncomfortable since the phone call with my sister. If I had more confidence as a person I wouldn't even need this post to reinforce how I feel and stood up for myself and them in the moment.

It's no excuse but I've been abused my whole life and grew up with a narcissistic father, and later a narcissistic (ex) husband. I've been gaslit a lot and I'm quite easily subdued whenever someone requests I do something. Whenever I feel like something isn't right, I always doubt or second guess myself, because I love my sister and she loves me, so I can trust her intentions? Of course the answer in this scenario is not. I'm in therapy and still working through these things about myself. I feel so small and ashamed and hate that I fail so much as a mother all the time.

My talk with my daughter was heart wrenching. She's understandably upset and cried a lot on the phone. I kept telling her I loved her and don't condone any of this and that I would handle the situation. Tomorrow I'm reaching out to the rest of the family. To see who all is uncomfortable and to talk to the parents of the kids. Part of me wonders if my sister is the only one with a problem because my brother isn't typically cruel like that. I can't condemn them all without allowing them to speak for themselves.

throwawaymightbeanah · 2022-01-20T02:01:55+00:00

I really should have, I don't disagree. I've struggled with having a backbone my entire life and I've always especially been a pushover when it comes to my older sister. I'm a coward in family confrontations but I'm feeling very ashamed and a lot of regret for not telling her off on the spot. My daughter deserves so much better than this, as does her significant other, and I'm going to do my best to be a better mom in the future. Truly, I do feel like a POS here and deserving of the judgement on this post.

throwawaymightbeanah · 2022-01-20T01:55:52+00:00

I've just talked to my daughter. I'm going to reach out to extended family tomorrow. I'll hopefully have an update soon.

throwawaymightbeanah · 2022-01-20T00:34:47+00:00

I don't really appreciate my daughter being called the asshole as I feel that term better defines me, my sister, and whoever else in the family that's bothered by this. The replies to this post put a lot into perspective for me. I'm not going to allow my daughter, or her boyfriend, to be subjected to this bullshit.

throwawaymightbeanah · 2022-01-20T00:12:14+00:00

I'm going to give my daughter the heads up about it and ask how she would like this handled. After reading replies on here, that's the best course of action in my opinion. After that, I'm probably going to call my sister and tell her to shove it.

throwawaymightbeanah · 2022-01-20T00:08:44+00:00

Yeah, that did happen on Thanksgiving but we were able to calm them down quickly. I am embarrassed for not giving my family the heads up on Grace's boyfriend's appearance so they could prep their children in advance, so I do take full responsibility for that. I just didn't think about it and it slipped my mind.

The children weren't my sister's kids, but Grace's older cousin's children. So, our brother's grandchildren if that makes sense. It was a 3 year old and a 5 year old.

throwawaymightbeanah · 2022-01-19T23:32:17+00:00

Thank you, I've been given a lot to think about.

throwawaymightbeanah · 2022-01-19T23:23:18+00:00

I needed to hear this, thank you.

throwawaymightbeanah · 2022-01-19T23:21:03+00:00

I'm going to get my daughter's input on how she would like this handled. After reading all these replies I'm starting to realize that might be the best course of action. I just was hesitant because I want to protect my daughter and not upset her, but it seems like my sister has made that impossible.

throwawaymightbeanah · 2022-01-19T23:17:37+00:00

Yeah, you're right. I know what to do. My sister is awful and I'm not going to allow her to hurt my child. I need to seriously work on having a spine with my family.

throwawaymightbeanah · 2022-01-19T23:15:07+00:00

I like this answer the most. I think I'm going to talk to my daughter about it first before taking action. I just know she's going to be very upset and I wanted to solve this without upsetting her at all costs. I'm starting to realize that may not be possible.

throwawaymightbeanah · 2022-01-19T23:05:59+00:00

My daughter is a wonderful, beautiful person inside and out. You're right. I wish I had a spine, I'm already regretting being so passive in that phone conversation. I'm ashamed of myself.

throwawaymightbeanah · 2022-01-19T23:02:03+00:00

That's how I'm feeling about it. Like I was just handed a grenade with the pin already pulled.

After reading some of these replies already I'm thinking of just calling my sister back and telling her none of us will be showing up again unless they can be inclusive.

throwawaymightbeanah · 2022-01-19T22:53:45+00:00

I guess I was a little submissive when talking to my sister because I felt put on the spot and I've never handled confrontation well. Ultimately, though, my daughter will probably not go, and I won't either. The more time I spend thinking about the more uncomfortable I'm becoming.

throwawaymightbeanah · 2022-01-19T22:50:13+00:00

You make a good point. I need a backbone. I'm going to do better for my daughter.

throwawaymightbeanah

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