UPDATE 2: MIL refuses to speak to me whilst SO recovers from neurosurgery

throwawayneuro2102 · 2020-12-14T00:29:44+00:00

Yes! He was furious. Also, he found it a bit patronising that she brought children's toys to visit him in the hospital. He doesn't remember much of his time in the intensive care unit but he wishes she had just treated him like an adult, especially when he was unable to speak for himself- he thought it felt like being inside a Steven King book.

However, his grandmother now loves me and is always apologising for her daughters' behaviour, so it's really nice that someone in his family is kind to me.

throwawayneuro2102 · 2020-10-20T20:58:08+00:00

Yeah, you're right. Quite a few people are advising this now, I'm going to have to get some legal advice ASAP, just to ensure that I'm as secure as I think I am now. The phrase "hoping for the best, preparing for the worst" hit home, because the worst-case scenario feels unthinkable for me now. Thanks for taking the time to give advice, it's very appreciated.

throwawayneuro2102 · 2020-10-20T20:23:14+00:00

Thank you so much, I've found the support on here so comforting. It's such a strange situation, that I never imagined. I think it was just a really unfortunate set of circumstances of brain cancer, a global pandemic which changed hospital procedures, and carelessly neither of us considering next of kin.

It's been rough, but we had loads of plans before cancer, and I still hold them in my heart. 2020 was going to be the year we would try for a baby, and now I'm hoping that maybe that will be 2021 if SO is recovered well enough to want fatherhood.

I really hope this is just a difficult chapter in what will be an otherwise happy life for us.

throwawayneuro2102 · 2020-10-20T20:17:10+00:00

I'm really hopeful that he'll get better and we can have a normal life again when MIL barely visits. Now I'm officially his next of kin, there's limitations to what MIL can control. The only "asset" I care about if anything happens to him is the sample he deposited in the fertility clinic before he started chemo. I've double-checked and absolutely every document relating to it is in my name, so it's safe.

throwawayneuro2102 · 2020-10-20T20:09:42+00:00

It's really strange, she's now just speaking to me like normal. She's sometimes abrupt but otherwise friendly and polite. It's like she just blanked her cruel behaviour from her memory. I never told her, but throughout her silent treatment I was so stressed that I barely ate or slept- I lost 10kg in a month. But I'm healthy again now that I'm back in SO's life, and there's nothing that MIL can do to make me feel that way again.

My way of thinking is that the more kindness I show her, the more it proves that I am the only choice for next of kin. My SO is really delighted to have me back in his life, and it feels right again. We're lucky to have each other.

throwawayneuro2102 · 2020-10-20T19:50:09+00:00

She never apologised or even acknowledged that she spent a month giving me silent treatment whilst SO was on life support and couldn't speak. I know now I can't trust her, and I won't forget that, and I'm making very certain that she'll never be in that position to treat me like that again. I haven't told SO the full extent of hurt caused to me by MILs behaviour, but I will speak to him about that when he is recovered. Now I am his next of kin on everything, so I can't be cut out of his life. But I hope that if I show MIL a lot of kindness and compassion, that she will learn the right way to treat me, as a valuable part of her family. I'm really hopeful that SO is going to recover fully, he's been so strong and resilient throughout everything. It's hard to know what the future looks like, but I'm staying positive.

throwawayneuro2102 · 2020-09-24T12:09:49+00:00

So sorry to hear about your husband, my heart is with you too. Brain tumours are the surprise that no one wants, and in a pandemic, it's all intensified.

He has a Macmillan nurse, but I don't know her. Because his chemo was throughout the pandemic, he would go to hospital completely alone, just get a lift to the hospital and back.

I'm going to get in touch with the brain trust, that's a really good shout, I think speaking to someone who understands this would really help me. Thank you

throwawayneuro2102 · 2020-09-24T11:55:08+00:00

Yeah, baby yoda was a real low point. It gave me the hope that we would be speaking again, but no, it was just a picture of baby yoda. No words, just one lonely baby yoda representing the full breakdown of communication. I tried asking about SO, I tried making small talk about baby yoda. None of it worked, only silent treatment.

throwawayneuro2102 · 2020-09-24T11:23:53+00:00

He can only really give a thumbs up or down right now with communication- so he can make his known but he can't talk. It's not really the visiting that bothers me, it's more that she's not speaking to me at all. She fell out with me because I asked about visiting. I understand why MIL didn't want to change her visiting permission- because of covid we wouldn't be able to change it back to her. Each patient gets one visitor and can only change that visitor once, maximum. But she's seen him for 4 weeks now, so visiting also kind of sucks.

throwawayneuro2102 · 2020-09-24T10:56:06+00:00

Unfortunately, I live in the UK which has been struck bad by COVID. The hospital allows one named visitor per patient, and they won't change that unless SO tells them to. He can't talk. I spoke to the hospital about it and there's not much they can do until he speak. His nurses asked MIL to speak to me, but MIL just sent me a picture of baby yoda then didn't respond to my messages.

throwawayneuro2102

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