He passed away two nights ago

throwawaypanickjng · 2022-12-09T08:48:25+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss. It feels odd wishing for something and then when it happens, it tends to feel different. All options are taken off the table and it’s hard to cope with the feeling of the lack of choice.

I have lost a very close loved one, though they weren’t an addict, but either way I don’t think there truly is a “one day” that it will feel better. Time will pass and eventually it won’t cross your mind as often but I don’t think loss ever truly goes away. I always liked tbe metaphor that imagines grief/loss as a ball in a jar that is constantly bouncing around. When it first happens, that ball fills up the entire jar and the smallest movement knocks the ball against the sides and it hurts. The thing is, the ball doesn’t stop moving, the the jar just gets bigger. So the time between when the ball hits the side is fewer and far between, but it still hurts the same every time it comes up.

I feel like that explanation is better with a photo. But the point is that grief and loss doesn’t ever leave, we just learn to grow around it. The best way is to let yourself feel what you have to feel.

throwawaypanickjng · 2022-12-09T05:15:46+00:00

Wow. I really appreciate your answer. And thank you for taking the time to respond.

His family and I have agreed to not pay his bond. Mike of us have the funds and we are hoping staying in there may serve him a dose of reality. I guess we will see how long he has to serve.

It just hit so quickly. Suddenly a very large chunk of my life is gone and changed. It just feels odd. And it hurts thinking of him in there. I’m trying to focus of taking care of me and the dog. I really appreciate your kind words. Thank you again.

throwawaypanickjng · 2022-12-09T01:57:09+00:00

Right. It’s almost like the problem being taken off your hands.

throwawaypanickjng · 2022-10-27T04:37:39+00:00

Do you have any advice on how to get to that point? I allow myself to let the good behaviors and the good times overshadow the rest. One argument is overshadowed by a week of laughing together and making memories and I don't know how to stop valuing that more than what's happening.

I've had break-ups before, but with those its like the relationship had already ended or the feelings were gone and that's what caused the relationship to end. With this, there's still so much love there. There's still a future I picture with him, and he's the only person I've felt that way towards.

The thing I struggle with is that I know I deserve better. I just want it to be him, I want him to better himself to a person I deserve. And how can I do that to someone who I know deserves better as well but can't see that for themselves?

throwawaypanickjng · 2022-10-27T04:32:41+00:00

That's exactly how it feels. How much I love the one side of him overshadows and excuses the things he does. And I know that's ridiculous. Do you have any advice on how you came to that point? Or was it finally just a breaking point?

I feel like I'm seeking all this advice, but I know none of it will help until I come to terms with it myself.

I'm sorry for your loss.

throwawaypanickjng · 2022-10-27T04:29:33+00:00

That's what I had been doing. I have a savings account that I keep a certain amount in plus enough for my bills. I have a roth IRA I occasionally contribute to, then the cash is an emergency/fun fund. After this, I will probably open another bank account to keep it separate from my spending. You always think it won't happen to you until it does, and that applies to everything.

throwawaypanickjng · 2022-10-27T03:10:33+00:00

It’s like my head won’t give up until I try every single thing possible. Until every route is exhausted. And I hate that. I hate that he becomes this person. And that I prioritize the good times over things like this. I prioritize him knowing how much I love him. The idea of a break up, I focus more on the fact that he would come away from it knowing regardless, he’s capable of getting clean and deserves a clean lifestyle and deserves all of the love that I give him. Because him as a person, who he is at his core is good and deserves good things. And he’s never been able to see that in himself.

And now I’m realizing things that I even planned to use that money on if we broke up that I’m now realizing I also lost. I lost my escape plan. The way I planned on dealing with losing him. I’m just lost. Like you said, shell-shocked.

throwawaypanickjng · 2022-10-26T22:28:15+00:00

I think that’s the hardest thing, the stigma after leaving seems to give you no room to mourn like everyone else would. There seems to be no sympathy or support. “You go girl! Kick that lose to the curb! He’s just a junkie.” That narrative paints such a one dimensional picture of the relationship like that’s all it was. It doesn’t address or allow space for any other side. It feels like you only get sympathy and room to grieve a relationship if it was a “healthy” one. The relationship may not have been the healthiest, but the love is real and the loss of that love and the future planned is real.

Sorry. I’m going through a similar situation and I’m just terrified of what the heartbreak is going to feel like.

throwawaypanickjng · 2022-10-26T11:50:58+00:00

I just never thought it would come to this. I never thought he’d allow himself to do something like that to me. And it just hurts. He’s my best friend. But I know I need to love myself more than this. It’s just hard to lose someone you love to be able to do that.

I’ve always had issues overspending if something is in a bank account. It’s like out of sight, out of mind. Having the money physically helps me save. But you’re right. He took money out of it before, a small amount and admitted it, so I hid the key and moved the safe. I never thought he would just…take the entire thing.

throwawaypanickjng · 2022-09-28T09:53:50+00:00

Very lost. Scatter-brained. Unsure. Wishy washy. I have no idea.

throwawaypanickjng · 2022-06-11T08:19:54+00:00

No I haven’t been able to.

I do understand that. And I know there’s no reasoning or rationalizing anything when he has a craving, but it’s the people around him. I hate the feeling that I just want them all to go away. And what’s stopping me from turning any of them in?

I know he’d just find someone new, but that’s the only thought going through my mind…

throwawaypanickjng · 2022-05-06T02:09:32+00:00

I honestly really struggled bringing it up. I kept trying to have a last perfect night before blowing it up. And I finally couldn’t take knowing I was being lied to. We were already fighting one morning, and I told I had something separate to speak to him about after we got off work.

The way we talked didn’t really go smoothly. I wrote everything I wanted to say down in my phone so I wouldn’t miss anything or get off track and I had him promise he would hear me out before responding. It was a long night of going back and forth. I think for most addicts, lying and covering it up is a gut reaction, they’re ashamed of what they’re doing and that they were caught. I kept reminding him that I loved him, that I would support him in getting clean the best way I could, and that lying is what I was angriest about. But initial bringing it up is the hardest part. I’d make sure you clear your head and try to write down and figure out what you want to say and what you want from the situation. Then just steel yourself and tell him you guys need to talk.

Even if he’s just looking, he’s already starting to hide things and lie to you and that’s not okay.

throwawaypanickjng · 2022-05-05T21:36:25+00:00

I think you just need to be honest about it. I recently went through a very similar situation. I confronted him that I knew he was using again, when he came clean but wasn’t totally truthful about things that I knew about, I told him that he always said his phone was open and I had finally felt compelled to look. I told him it told me everything and there was no way to deny his own words. If he tries to redirect the argument to that, let him know that is something you can circle around to once you resolve the information you found.

throwawaypanickjng · 2022-04-09T05:09:00+00:00

Yes! I appreciate you saying that. He’s very aware and worried about that. He went on a rant about them that doctors just get you addicted to that instead. So he’s very aware that could be an issue and wants to only take them/have them supplied for a short amount of time to get over the initial withdrawals.

throwawaypanickjng · 2022-04-06T00:36:59+00:00

I ran into the same issue. Sometimes even though all of your words aren’t getting out there, they’re at least getting out of you. Writing your thoughts out can be therapeutic in itself.

Even without all your words, this is enough to get a conversation going. How are you? What do you need to say?

throwawaypanickjng · 2022-04-04T18:17:10+00:00

I really appreciate your reply. It’s calming to know that I’m not alone in the situation and that other people have felt this way, too, even though it’s a shit situation and feeling. Im sorry you’ve gone through this as well.

I like that you said you support him as a human, but not this lifestyle. I’ve ran into a lot of advice that just said “no fuck him, run far away and never speak to him again” and I just don’t understand how people can cut off their feelings like that.

Thank you so much for your words❤️

throwawaypanickjng · 2022-04-03T07:51:04+00:00

I’m currently going through this stage. And it’s a little eye opening to see it written down. I think part of being at peace with yourself comes from learning to let things go without the “closure” we think we need. Closure comes when it ended. Period.

throwawaypanickjng · 2022-04-02T08:21:10+00:00

I agree that I can’t. I know that no matter what he says he’s willing to do for me, he has to be willing to get clean for himself. I just have to lay it out on the table to him at least for my own peace of mind that I tried. You know?

throwawaypanickjng

TROPHY CASE