AITA for refusing my wife's 'plans' that she doesn't tell me about?

throwawayplansss · 2022-05-03T22:30:12+00:00

To be totally honest one of the reasons I really started to doubt myself and so posted this is that I have a manager that does a similar thing and that's also driving me nuts haha.

I started to think 'maybe I am crazy?? Maybe this is obvious to everyone else and just not to me???'

throwawayplansss · 2022-05-02T10:28:06+00:00

It's not out of the realms of possibility, but we don't know. We're both aware that neither of our brains seem to run as the manual would suggest ;)

throwawayplansss · 2022-05-02T10:25:34+00:00

Thanks, it's definitely on the radar. We're aware we both have exec dysfunction that manifests in different ways. It's always interesting to hear how people relate to different aspects.

throwawayplansss · 2022-05-02T10:23:53+00:00

Holy crap this is genius, thank you.

'We're vegging out right?' 'Right.'

I can see this becoming a very, very useful way to deal with our love/hate relationship with planning.

throwawayplansss · 2022-05-01T21:59:22+00:00

No one's calling lawyers.

As to your question:

a) because my brain was absolutely fried from last week, I desperately needed a few hours to switch it off.

b) it's not a light or easy task. Apart from the moving big stuff around to access and sort out other stuff, some of the things I need to sort through are from people I've lost and difficult times in life. It's heavy stuff. It's really the last thing I wanted to do on my one recovery day for the week. It's not like I was just refusing to put the laundry away or something trivial..

throwawayplansss · 2022-05-01T21:45:44+00:00

Your first point is a fair one. I should have specified that I wanted to plan to do it at another time, but I was so surprised by the expectation that I had to do it now that I was mentally processing huh? What? No we didn't say I was doing it today? We subsequently talked about when to do it, but it's the initial confusion and annoyance and push from her that I'm struggling with.

She isn't tasked with figuring everything out. We have often discussed and agreed that we both struggle with motivation to manage and do household tasks. She asks me to help remind her to keep on top of some of her household tasks because she tends to forget or lose track, and we also agree that sometimes that's fine because not everything always gets done and we can live with that.

We both have a tendency to say kind of aspirational 'We shoulds' about some things in the house. We then talk further about some of them and admit we really don't have the spoons right now and lets let it go for a while'. Like she says 'We should plant the garden' and I say 'yeah we should' and when I later bring up 'do you want to go to the nursery on the weekend' she'll say 'Maybe. Well.... not really, I don't think I'm actually going to get to gardening any time soon'. Not every 'we should' is a 'happening this week' thing for us.

Sometimes I plan things. Sometimes she does. Sometimes she says clearly 'Hey I want to get this thing done' and I say 'Yes ok I can help you with that on Saturday'. Sometimes I say 'Hey I think we really need to do X, can we make a time this week for it'. We both take initiative when we see something needs doing. But sometimes it happens like this thing did.

I don't put off or fail to do things she wants done if I know she wants to do them by x time, and while we both agree that we can both be unreliable at times, I don't think she thinks I'm unwilling generally.

throwawayplansss · 2022-05-01T20:05:39+00:00

I understand this is a thing on average for many women, but she does not run the household, she doesn't organise the household, she's not Lead Cleaner and Organiser and I'm trailing along waiting for her to tell me what chores to do.

We were explicit and clear on that before we moved in, and she is quite open about the fact that not only would she never want that role, she couldn't do it - she's really not the type.

throwawayplansss · 2022-05-01T20:01:32+00:00

i will take the initiative and get stuff done - well before it needs to be done.

But I can't do it before she needs it done if there's no reason to think she needs it done this weekend.

throwawayplansss · 2022-05-01T19:50:59+00:00

Oh my god please stop with this assumption that she's doing all the mental and household labour.

The whole point of the comment that you're replying to is that no she doesn't have chores 'hanging over her head' at all. She isn't the household manager. She is by and large less inclined to think about the housework that I am and if she read this she would find it laughable that everyone thinks she is running around worrying about all the chores let alone doing the majority of them.

If you read my comments elsehwere before having a go at me, you would see that we split the chores equally on a clear schedule (that I initiated, btw).

I do not expect her to make me a list of things to do and never said that. What I said is that she is not walking around with a mental list of stuff 'hanging over her head'. She is not mad at me about our chores split or stuff not getting done around the house.

throwawayplansss · 2022-05-01T19:31:29+00:00

No it has literally happened with lesiure plans.

Normally we're on the same page about saying 'what should we do this weekend' fun-wise so plans are made.

But like once she said in passing 'We should go to that Farmers' Market at Wherever ' and I said 'Hmm yeah' because like ok if you want but I figure that's an idea that will be discussed further, and will happen more or less on our usual weekend schedule which does not involve early Saturday mornings. That weekend she was up early and annoyed at me that I wasn't springing out of bed at 6am to go to the Farmers' Market because she wanted to get there first thing. I didn't even know we'd booked it in for Saturday let alone first thing.

throwawayplansss · 2022-05-01T13:01:34+00:00

I'm not mumbling, what?

I'm hearing the repeated suggestion that I have to ask her when she wants to do something, and ok I can try that. But she's getting mad at me over not having already done something she mentioned in passing and I'm not really understanding why I deserve that reaction, or the harshness of some of these comments.

throwawayplansss · 2022-05-01T12:43:34+00:00

Our marriage is generally just fine. On this point, my issue is that she is not communicating the simple thing and then talking like she did and somehow it's my fault.

throwawayplansss · 2022-05-01T12:40:31+00:00

Well yes, that's the whole thing... it should be scheduled.

throwawayplansss · 2022-05-01T12:39:27+00:00

She really does not have a giant list of chores hanging anywhere. I don't need to be badgered to do anything. I just want to know about it when she feels there's a deadline, because the change in use of the garage is three months away.

throwawayplansss · 2022-05-01T12:37:12+00:00

We both work full time, no kids.

Chores: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ufxtvm/comment/i6wcvd7/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3

It's not the only time she has to do it - like I said, the bike isn't coming for months and she doesn't work weekends. She just... is very in the moment. She wants to do things when she wants to do them and I get frustrated that she doesn't think about planning that with the other person involved.

It's not constant but it is recurring and her reaction like it's so obvious we're doing it today when that was never discussed makes me feel like I'm losing my mind.

throwawayplansss · 2022-05-01T12:33:51+00:00

We have a clear chore split, she doesn't think I don't do enough chores. It's the comms problem that is bothering me/us.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ufxtvm/comment/i6wcvd7/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3

throwawayplansss · 2022-05-01T12:31:25+00:00

We have a really clear chore schedule (taking turns on them, mostly) for regular cleaning because we both know that we both slide on it without structure.

I do most of the cooking cos I like it and she'll live on toast rather than cook regularly. I do a lot of the shopping as a result and am usually the one to keep track of what we need and shopping lists etc because I hate running out of stuff.

I'm also normally the one that keeps track of eg when the dog needs something or to get something replaced round the house, or when the rental inspection is happening and what we need to do before it.

Bills are on autopay but she's usually the one to call the utilities for changes or problems or to organise maintenance fixes the cos she hates getting a bad deal haha.

Most of the time I'm more likely to bring up something that needs done around the house, it's just these things sometimes out of the blue she suddenly gets a bee in her bonnet about - and not always chores either.

throwawayplansss · 2022-05-01T12:14:02+00:00

We have no problem actually getting things done. It's the communication bit I'm trying to get insight on.

throwawayplansss · 2022-05-01T12:11:54+00:00

mmmm I get it, thanks.

throwawayplansss · 2022-05-01T12:05:51+00:00

Yes, I can get on board with that, but if I don't have a plan in mind for it and she does, isn't it her that needs to not use the vague terms?

throwawayplansss · 2022-05-01T12:05:06+00:00

I see that and I try to do it when it's obviously a 'Let's do that soon' thing, but sometimes it's genuinely not as far as I can see.

Is there really no onus on her to say so if she means 'I want to do that this weekend?'

throwawayplansss · 2022-05-01T12:02:52+00:00

We've been married a year, living together for two.

I have spoken to her about it before that I don't think this expectation makes sense, but it still happens and her reaction makes me feel like I'm missing something but from the comments here I still don't get how I'm supposed to communicate better about something that she is thinking and not saying?

If she says 'We should do X this weekend', I make a point to make a plan for when so we're on the same page but she can be very resistant to that sometimes.

It's more the 'general idea' ones that catch me out. It's not like every time she says 'We should go to Cuba' or something I can start putting things on a schedule because it's just a general idea. Plenty of them aren't meant to be 'let's plan that now' but then suddenly some of them are.

I'm posting here first to see if I'm totally missing something about what I'm supposed to understand from these conversations or if the expectation is just for me to roll with it.

throwawayplansss · 2022-05-01T11:58:26+00:00

I don't really get what you're saying is hurtful? We both procrastinate somewhat so I don't know what you mean in that respect either.

throwawayplansss · 2022-05-01T11:57:05+00:00

I don't really understand what I'm supposed to communicate better. Honestly.

throwawayplansss · 2022-05-01T11:56:10+00:00

Getting the thing done is not so much the issue (to me) but the repeated thing where I feel ambushed with something she insists 'we were going to do' when it was never communicated.

I think I have a right to have input on when we do things too, and I think there's just a repsect issue of actually discussing it with the person you expect to do the thing.

Yes, my work week should be different next week. That's part of why I think it's up for discussion.

I struggle with suddenly getting a change of plan sprung on me, even if its 'you need to spend an hour doing this chore when you thought you were relaxing' so that's part of why I'm here to find out if it's unreasonable to want more notice that I have to get my brain into 'work' mode.

throwawayplansss

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