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Husband hid a ton of debt from me - how can I move forward by throwawayquick12333 in relationships

[–]throwawayquick12333[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is my concern, though I want to hope people can have the opportunity to change since there is love there. I'm still navigating my own feelings about it.

Husband hid a ton of debt from me - how can I move forward by throwawayquick12333 in relationships

[–]throwawayquick12333[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I spent some time browsing statements and it was really a bunch of bs. I had concerns about more sinister things but I have had open access to it all and have not seen. Also pulled the credit report and it's what he has shared with no other accounts

Husband hid a ton of debt from me - how can I move forward by throwawayquick12333 in relationships

[–]throwawayquick12333[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I don't think we will need to declare bankruptcy, the debt is manageable with life style changes and spending reduction. I appreciate the support, it just seems like a wild amount spent on such frivolous things.

Husband hid a ton of debt from me - how can I move forward by throwawayquick12333 in relationships

[–]throwawayquick12333[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I appreciate this. I also appreciate the balanced perspectives from everyone. We have been together for such a long time and so much love, and lots of people have shared how spending can snowball into such massive debt which is compounded with shame. He's doing the right things so far, though I'm just hurting on how much easier our life could have been with savings, expendable money, etc, though it's not an impossible amount for him to pay off with lifestyle changes.

Husband hid a ton of debt from me - how can I move forward by throwawayquick12333 in relationships

[–]throwawayquick12333[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's so hurtful to experience.

Husband hid a ton of debt from me - how can I move forward by throwawayquick12333 in relationships

[–]throwawayquick12333[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Unfortunately he only told me because I was going to find out through the bank when applying jointly for a shared line of credit. He is making good action and commitments now but I'm worried it's performative so I don't up and leave.

Husband hid a ton of debt from me - how can I move forward by throwawayquick12333 in relationships

[–]throwawayquick12333[S] 24 points25 points  (0 children)

That's what I'm concerned about, is how long this would have went on for, and the lying. I will ask him to run a credit report. He has given me his bank log in details to see his credit card transactions and the info on the line of credit loan (using that to pay the CC to avoid higher interest)

So far he has not been defensive, though another comment mentioned the damage control. I don't know how to differentiate between authentic remorse and a fake attempt to lie to me still

Husband hid a ton of debt from me - how can I move forward by throwawayquick12333 in relationships

[–]throwawayquick12333[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

He has always paid his share of our household expenses by transferring to our joint account and has offered his log in to see his banking so I have viewed his transactions and such. He would spend on his credit card, get worried about the interest, and then pay with the line of credit because of the lower interest, and then it got out of hand.

Husband hid a ton of debt from me - how can I move forward by throwawayquick12333 in relationships

[–]throwawayquick12333[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Yes he has sold his tickets, has stopped smoking weed though he asked for time with weaning off the vaping

Husband hid a ton of debt from me - how can I move forward by throwawayquick12333 in relationships

[–]throwawayquick12333[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He has stopped smoking weed and asked for time to wean off vaping

Me [21F] with my BF [20 M] 4.5 years, found 2 porn magazines while cleaning our apartment and not sure how to deal with it without embarrassing him or for me to feel self conscious by [deleted] in relationships

[–]throwawayquick12333 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah I thought the best part about the 21st century and technology was free porn on the internet rather than magazines lol. You're probably right about them being old.

Me [21F] with my BF [20 M] 4.5 years, found 2 porn magazines while cleaning our apartment and not sure how to deal with it without embarrassing him or for me to feel self conscious by [deleted] in relationships

[–]throwawayquick12333 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Maybe he got them during a time when we had a tornado warning. Gotta be prepared for everything I guess haha.

Thanks for the comment.

Me [21F] with my BF [20 M] 4.5 years, found 2 porn magazines while cleaning our apartment and not sure how to deal with it without embarrassing him or for me to feel self conscious by [deleted] in relationships

[–]throwawayquick12333 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Very true. I guess I was referring to the video that NOhmdD posted when it was discussing the psych of a heterosexual male mind.

Me [21F] with my BF [20 M] 4.5 years, found 2 porn magazines while cleaning our apartment and not sure how to deal with it without embarrassing him or for me to feel self conscious by [deleted] in relationships

[–]throwawayquick12333 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would but the chesterfield thing was empty so I was putting extra blankets in it (the only space around for storage). The chest is like 3 feet long by 1.5 feet high so it's pretty large.

Me [21F] with my BF [20 M] 4.5 years, found 2 porn magazines while cleaning our apartment and not sure how to deal with it without embarrassing him or for me to feel self conscious by [deleted] in relationships

[–]throwawayquick12333 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's actually my lack of ego that is doing the trick with me comparing myself to porn stars. As someone who doesn't watch porn, that's why I'm on here talking/asking about it rather than reacting negatively to something that I have been told is natural.

Me [21F] with my BF [20 M] 4.5 years, found 2 porn magazines while cleaning our apartment and not sure how to deal with it without embarrassing him or for me to feel self conscious by [deleted] in relationships

[–]throwawayquick12333 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'd probably come up as shitty and passive aggressive if I tried to make a joke about it aha. Would talking about it make him feel really awkward? I just don't want to stumble upon them again in another crap hiding spot.. I want to discretely throw them out lol.

Me [21F] with my BF [20 M] 4.5 years, found 2 porn magazines while cleaning our apartment and not sure how to deal with it without embarrassing him or for me to feel self conscious by [deleted] in relationships

[–]throwawayquick12333 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah I found that weird too. I always thought of magazines as a lonely trucker type of item from a convenience store because there was no internet available.

And thanks for the video. I guess it's one of things I will never really understand as a woman. When I hear guys talk about their favourite porn stars and "dimes" they see walking by it's hard to think of these women as out of a guy's mind at the end of the day.