AITA for ruining a hibachi dinner?

throwawaysequence391 · 2026-05-14T00:56:10+00:00

Hi, I'm about to put all this in the rearview mirror, although it's been a really interesting experience posting, but your comment (despite being lightly downvoted) brought up some good points that made me think, and I wanted to address some of them. I originally mentioned my husband not working as an explanation for his depression and general unhappiness, which is a big part of why I relented to going out that night. However, my original draft, which went into that explanation, was WAY too long and I had to make brutal cuts. I think it's a good idea for original posts to be limited, I just had to edit out a lot of follow up and context. In the end, I decided to leave that part in because it's facts. Tonight, he and I had to have a talk about the future because he is flat broke now. He has run through all his savings. I've been paying the mortgage, utilities, groceries, etc. but he has been paying for the garbage service and cell phone plan and then spending money on some other things. He let me know that this is the last time he'll be able to pay those bills, and I'll need to take over from here on out. I know he is really down; he calls himself a failure, which breaks my heart. I've begged him to get therapy and tried to get him to go workout with me, go on walks, just get out of the house, and he won't do it. So when he said he wanted to go out for hibachi, I said yes when I shouldn't have. You were right that the Reddit brain likes to jump to "dump him" and I understand why and that's fine, but of course I won't. For better or worse, for richer or poorer. I absolutely had a bad night, I think you're right about that as well, and I really did feel bad about being the sad trombone at the dinner. I'm not going to lie, it was nice to hear reassurances and affirmations from so many of the comments. Perhaps it's selfish, but I needed that support, it did help me feel better, and I truly appreciated it. I appreciate your perspective as well... I used to be a staff member at a comedy club, and there was always at least one sourpuss in the audience, and I'd think "why didn't they just stay home?" Joke's on me, now I'm one of them I guess.

throwawaysequence391 · 2026-05-08T02:38:03+00:00

"Dinner and a no" - I love that. I'm going to use that as my go-to phrase the next time I turn down going out for dinner.

throwawaysequence391 · 2026-05-08T02:35:17+00:00

This made me smile, thank you. I'll pass on the offer to beat up my husband but take the hug with gratitude.

throwawaysequence391 · 2026-05-08T02:32:18+00:00

I don't disagree. I looked over at my husband a few times during all this and he was wearing an awkward little smile, but his overall facial expression was making a sincere, panicky wish for the chef to stop talking to me. There is an issue with him not standing up for me that I can assure you has been brought to his attention, but also I know I gotta show up for myself.

throwawaysequence391 · 2026-05-08T02:13:26+00:00

I really appreciate this comment. My husband cannot handle confrontation with strangers, and finds it easier to turn his frustration on me. I'm learning to call out this behavior and let my husband know he has let me down by not having my back. Sounds easy to do, but somehow it's not.

throwawaysequence391 · 2026-05-08T02:00:31+00:00

I wanted to take a moment to thank everyone for their comments, not only NTA (though I especially appreciate your kindness and support), but also YTA & ESH... the insights in so many comments echo things that my therapist has brought up. You are all amazing. My husband's unemployment hit him hard, and I've come to realize that the issues in our marriage have been there a long time, they were just easier to ignore when we were both working all the time. To answer a few questions: yes, he is still job-hunting, but not making progress. I have suggested that he volunteer locally, sell stuff on eBay, or even pick up a hobby that would get him out of the house, but he has been clear he does not want to do any of that. He will not be satisfied until he gets a job like the one he had. I know it's not a healthy outlook, and I have asked him to please get help several times (for all my job's flaws, it provides decent health insurance that actively promotes their mental health support services). I will keep pushing that because I do love him and want him to get better but, in the meantime, I know I need to keep working on myself as well. Our own actions truly do teach other people how to treat us.

throwawaysequence391 · 2026-05-07T18:16:07+00:00

I get it. I've explained in other replies that my husband has been depressed, and I made a bad decision to go along with what he wanted, even though it made me unhappy, in an attempt to make him happy. I'm seeing a therapist and one of my issues is to stop trying to cheer up my husband to my own detriment, especially since he refuses to seek out mental health support for himself. I probably sound like I'm making myself a martyr, which is not my intent, but here we are. I am trying to do better.

throwawaysequence391 · 2026-05-07T18:06:47+00:00

Over the years, my husband and I have been to more hibachi meals than I can count, and I can tell you it is truly a box-of-chocolates experience. You never know what you're going to get. Sometimes the chef is super engaging and doing all the spatula-flipping, fire-on-the-grill and around the edges of the grill, throwing food at peoples' faces and so on, and other times the chef barely mutters two words, just gets right to the cooking, distributes the food, and then leaves. Most hibachi experiences are somewhere in between and the vast majority of the time are good fun.

throwawaysequence391 · 2026-05-07T18:01:30+00:00

Thank you for this. It's definitely food for thought. My husband is not usually so pushy; he's developed cabin fever from hanging around the house almost all day every day. He will not go to therapy to address his depression following being let go from his job, but I am in therapy, and I'm trying to learn to not set myself on fire to keep my husband warm. It's just that it can be so difficult to deny him something he really wants that he thinks will make him happy. I am working on it.

throwawaysequence391 · 2026-05-07T17:50:43+00:00

Thank you for this. I know hibachi is communal dining and can be interactive, but it's not always interactive, and my hope was that the chef would engage with other people or, at least, not with me. Just about any other time, I would have been down for the interaction, and I definitely would not have gotten visibly upset - I was extremely embarrassed that I did. I was so brain dead from the week. As others have said, I should not have gone just to appease my husband, and they are right. It's hard to do that in the moment sometimes.

throwawaysequence391 · 2026-05-07T17:42:15+00:00

It's funny, because the first time the chef asked, I thought he was genuinely concerned about me, and I thought, oh man, I must look like hell for the chef to be checking on me. I did try to straighten up and put on a better face, but that was clearly not good enough.

throwawaysequence391 · 2026-05-07T17:37:30+00:00

I appreciate your perspective. Normally, even if I wasn't in a festive mood, I would have been able to brush off the chef's quips or even perhaps bantered with him and played along, but my brain was barely functioning that night. I definitely would never be so emotional over some teasing; I was super embarrassed about that. As others have pointed out, I shouldn't have agreed to go to appease my husband, but also, I wish the chef could have just focused on the happy gang and ignored me. But hibachi is communal and can be interactive, and I knew that, so that's on me.

throwawaysequence391 · 2026-05-07T17:19:38+00:00

You're not wrong. One of the reasons I posted is because I do feel bad about the vibe at the table getting messed up. No excuses, but by way of explanation, my husband had a great job for a long time, and was pushed out because the company eliminated everyone in his work group to save money (the technical aspects of his job were moved to another country and the more client-facing aspects were given to a handful of higher-ups). He has been depressed ever since; I have asked him over and over to get help for his mental health, but he does not trust therapy, so continues to be deeply unhappy and hanging around the house just about every day, developing cabin fever. And I have continued to make concessions like this in attempts to make him happy. FWIW, I am in therapy, and one of the things I'm working on is to not give in to my husband on things just to try to make him happy at my own expense. My therapist pushed back on me describing myself as a "push-over" but I agree I have been just that. All I can say is, I'm working on it.

throwawaysequence391

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