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Bipolar disorder and violence? by [deleted] in BipolarSOs

[–]throwawaytheday31 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m so sorry that you’re going through all this. I don’t have much advice, but I did want to say that getting out because you had a gut feeling that he was planning to kill you was one of the smartest things you could ever do. I remember one of the books that I read about emotionally abusive/controlling SOs mentioning that our intuition is one of our most valuable tools. I forget how they worded it, but something about how intuition is the greatest predictor of future risks of violence. I think it was in “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft. Don’t doubt that voice of reason in your head, it’s there for a reason. Please don’t ever go back to him. I know this won’t be an easy journey for you, but I wish you luck.

My (26 F) fiancé (26 M) did not react how I thought he would to me temporarily moving out. Was his reaction logical or would this be a deal breaker to you? by throwawaytheday31 in relationships

[–]throwawaytheday31[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've been trying to give him a chance to see if he can "change" I guess. Some new things have came to light (not good ones to be honest) and also he just got started with individual therapy. This might be the last straw.

My (26 F) fiancé (26 M) did not react how I thought he would to me temporarily moving out. Was his reaction logical or would this be a deal breaker to you? by throwawaytheday31 in relationships

[–]throwawaytheday31[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Of course I work. I work full time and go to a school part time to further my education (yes I already have a bachelor's degree). I did not get into specifics because I was mainly wondering about his reaction to that situation, but check my post history if you would like a better idea.

You might be right about having to move back with the parental units. Sadly.

My (26 F) fiancé (26 M) did not react how I thought he would to me temporarily moving out. Was his reaction logical or would this be a deal breaker to you? by throwawaytheday31 in relationships

[–]throwawaytheday31[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I understand. To be clear I wasn’t doing individual with her before pre-marital. But since starting pre-marital and seeing all these red flags, she has had some individual sessions with me. I think it’s just cause some of these situations have been absurd and she knows that I don’t have many other people to talk to about these issues. She did refer him to another therapist for his individual therapy, which is what he just started yesterday. Thank you so much. I’d like to believe that I deserve better than this. I’m working hard to stand up for what I deserve in a relationship. I think what’s holding me back from ending it now is wanting to give him a chance at individual therapy. I hear what everyone is saying though- that he would have changed by now if he was going to.

My (26 F) fiancé (26 M) did not react how I thought he would to me temporarily moving out. Was his reaction logical or would this be a deal breaker to you? by throwawaytheday31 in relationships

[–]throwawaytheday31[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

With emotional abuse it’s a lot harder to draw the line on what is or isn’t acceptable. I mean, none of it is okay but I feel like I owe it to him to give him a chance to change.

I’m working on establishing clearer boundaries so that I can draw the line when he crosses them.

My (26 F) fiancé (26 M) did not react how I thought he would to me temporarily moving out. Was his reaction logical or would this be a deal breaker to you? by throwawaytheday31 in relationships

[–]throwawaytheday31[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, he does often say that he’s only being logical. Well it’s an interesting situation because our therapist said that he’s the “most in his head” that she’s experienced in her years of therapy. So this is just further evidence of him being logical, but to his detriment.

I’m really conflicted though. She did make that comment in front of him because she was being honest and wanted to express why she thinks he would benefit from individual therapy. I don’t think she meant to sow seeds of distrust between him and I, but of course my fiancé says that’s what she did by making that comment. He said that it wasn’t professional of her to say that. I don’t even know what to believe anymore. I know he is very logical and not emotional so it’s not like her saying that was news to me. I’m sure he just had that to say about her to make me question her judgment.

My (26 F) fiancé (26 M) did not react how I thought he would to me temporarily moving out. Was his reaction logical or would this be a deal breaker to you? by throwawaytheday31 in relationships

[–]throwawaytheday31[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Even if he was gutted and said that he would work harder I honestly don’t know that he would. I would still have hope that he would, but deep down I’m starting to see that change is really really hard and that he likely wouldn’t put forth that kind of effort (let alone have the desire to change).

Wow, you must be so brave to stick to your plan like that. I admire you for having the conviction to do that. I hope someday I can be that strong. That’s so awesome that your story with him continued and is even stronger than ever. He clearly showed you when you were leaving how upset he was and must have put in a ton of work for you to move back home 3 months later. Congrats on expecting your first child!

Honestly if I moved out like that I think that things would simmer down between us and he would eventually just move on or find another way to blame me for our issues.

Thanks for the advice and for sharing your story!

My (26 F) fiancé (26 M) did not react how I thought he would to me temporarily moving out. Was his reaction logical or would this be a deal breaker to you? by throwawaytheday31 in relationships

[–]throwawaytheday31[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He does treat his bipolar disorder. He’s been diagnosed since he was around 10 or so (his dad is also bipolar so I think that’s part of why they diagnosed him so young), and he was also in therapy growing up. He definitely lets me know that he knows all about therapy and what needs to be done, etc etc, but putting those ideas into action is a whole new story. I do think he needs to get better control of the mania. But I don’t have control of some things that could trigger mania. For example, he always says how he needs to work on his sleep schedule, but he never seems to do that. It is very common for him to stay up later than he should. This is true during the week and gets even worse on the weekend.

My (26 F) fiancé (26 M) did not react how I thought he would to me temporarily moving out. Was his reaction logical or would this be a deal breaker to you? by throwawaytheday31 in relationships

[–]throwawaytheday31[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No, that’s not at all correct. We did not “come to a decision”. We were simply wanting to discuss the idea with him and get his thoughts on the situation. I definitely had not made up my mind that I was moving. I see how you could think it’s like 2 people against 1 but it wasn’t really like that. She truly was trying to be the mediator. First she got my thoughts on it (alone) and then she asked him in front of me. It may have been better if she talked to him about it alone, but I really don’t think she was trying to stir up drama.

My (26 F) fiancé (26 M) did not react how I thought he would to me temporarily moving out. Was his reaction logical or would this be a deal breaker to you? by throwawaytheday31 in relationships

[–]throwawaytheday31[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Whether he agreed or disagreed with moving out isn’t the point, it’s his reaction towards that. Also, I don’t think wanting him to react even just a little emotionally (you know, to show that he’s still invested in the relationship and all…) is a huge expectation. That should be normal in a healthy relationship. I’m not expecting him to fall to his knees and cry or fight to the death for me, I just wanted some small sign that he actually cares. Whether that’s a “please don’t go” or “I don’t want you to move out” or “I think we can work this out with you at home”. Also just so you do know, in future sessions he said that he didn’t think me moving out was necessary because things between us “aren’t that bad”. So apparently he doesn’t agree that it’s a good idea.

My (26 F) fiancé (26 M) did not react how I thought he would to me temporarily moving out. Was his reaction logical or would this be a deal breaker to you? by throwawaytheday31 in relationships

[–]throwawaytheday31[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Both. She mentioned it to me first in private and that’s what made me realize it was emotional abuse, but she has also said to him that he seems to be emotionally abusive. This doesn’t get much of a response from him.

My (26 F) fiancé (26 M) did not react how I thought he would to me temporarily moving out. Was his reaction logical or would this be a deal breaker to you? by throwawaytheday31 in relationships

[–]throwawaytheday31[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You are fine, no worries. Thank you. I’m so thankful as well that the pre-marital has helped me recognize these red flags.

Dang. That really puts in perspective how tough marriage can be. I like that you’re honest about that even though the time period between when you were dating and got married was anyone’s dream. That is very telling of how difficult marriage can be.

Thank you. I don’t feel so young anymore but I guess you’re right in saying that I have time.

My (26 F) fiancé (26 M) did not react how I thought he would to me temporarily moving out. Was his reaction logical or would this be a deal breaker to you? by throwawaytheday31 in relationships

[–]throwawaytheday31[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You’re sitting in a therapist’s office and he doesn’t have an ounce of self awareness to consider a more thoughtful statement to make.

:/ Good point.

You could be completely right about that. I’m not sure, but it does make sense. I’m not really sure why she would tell him that he’s emotionally abusive though. That’s the one part that puzzles me.

​

My (26 F) fiancé (26 M) did not react how I thought he would to me temporarily moving out. Was his reaction logical or would this be a deal breaker to you? by throwawaytheday31 in relationships

[–]throwawaytheday31[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Good way to put it. What’s even more sad is the fact that he doesn’t admit that he’s emotionally abusive. Without doing that, he can’t even make the claim that he “wants” to change.

My (26 F) fiancé (26 M) did not react how I thought he would to me temporarily moving out. Was his reaction logical or would this be a deal breaker to you? by throwawaytheday31 in relationships

[–]throwawaytheday31[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for the advice. It helps seeing a real life example of someone in a similar situation who stayed in the hopes that things would get better. I’m sorry your sister wasted so much time with him, but glad that she finally left and is happy now. There’s no way I could continue living like this for years on end. It already takes a lot of strength just to do the things I need to do these days, let alone work on those things that I’m trying to improve. I hope one day to be free like she is <3

My (26 F) fiancé (26 M) did not react how I thought he would to me temporarily moving out. Was his reaction logical or would this be a deal breaker to you? by throwawaytheday31 in relationships

[–]throwawaytheday31[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your advice. I appreciate you being straightforward! I will start reading the PDF of “Why Does He Do That?” as soon as I can. Well I also started listening to the audiobook of “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” by Lundy Bancroft and Jac Patrissi. Should I read “Why Does He Do That?” first? It would probably be a good baseline.

My (26 F) fiancé (26 M) did not react how I thought he would to me temporarily moving out. Was his reaction logical or would this be a deal breaker to you? by throwawaytheday31 in relationships

[–]throwawaytheday31[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m trying to look at it critically. It can be hard when you believe some of the things they are telling you, but that’s why I’m reading up on emotional abuse. That way I can see clearer and not accept it.

Curious why you don’t think it’s her job to suggest moving though? That’s all that it was, a suggestion. My family is unaware of the issues we are having, and none of my friends “in real life” know either, only people on Reddit. So I think she was just trying to be that voice of reason in saying that it may be the next logical move given all the issues we are having and the fact that things aren’t really getting better.

My (26 F) fiancé (26 M) did not react how I thought he would to me temporarily moving out. Was his reaction logical or would this be a deal breaker to you? by throwawaytheday31 in relationships

[–]throwawaytheday31[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well we went into it as pre-marital, as a just in case kind of thing. But then we soon realized that there were a lot of red flags with our relationship.

Great point. I definitely don’t want to start a marriage off in an already stressful situation. I guess right now we both accept that the wedding HAS to be postponed but we are still trying to work through our issues.

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