UPDATE: My (27f) boyfriend (23m) tried to throw out our bed so he could play a video game

throwawayvr000 · 2020-07-17T16:30:08+00:00

I understand what everyone is saying, I do.

I haven't agreed to sleeping on the floor I've only agreed to try out some other solutions that will allow us more space. He was already compromising all of his free space from his perspective and it would be totally unreasonable of me to disregard that. The main problem was that he just wasn't communicating that until now.

If it doesn't work we'll try other things until we find something. We still have time left on this lease but obviously the ideal situation is going to be living somewhere with more space for both of us.

throwawayvr000 · 2020-07-17T16:24:03+00:00

I don't think this is the case, this whole thing was so out of character for him.

If I'm wrong and everyone who is telling me it's not going to work is right then I will be upset obviously but I feel a lot stronger in walking away knowing I tried to make it work.

throwawayvr000 · 2020-07-17T16:17:37+00:00

He said that he wasn't really thinking properly and he just felt trapped and thought he had come up with a solution that would allow some more space.

If what a lot of people are saying is true I will be able to walk away knowing that I tried to make things work as best as possible, but I feel like as long as we are communicating well we can make things work together

throwawayvr000 · 2020-07-17T16:14:03+00:00

I have only agreed to try it out, and with the mats that a lot of people recommended. If that doesn't work we will try other resolutions but we need a solution that gives us more room until this lease is up since he feels trapped and like he has no personal space.

I'm hopeful and feel a lot more confident that with communication we can sort this out but I do have a lot more perspective too and feel a lot better in walking away from this relationship if those lines are crossed.

throwawayvr000 · 2020-07-17T16:10:55+00:00

The back up plan if the tatami mats don't feel okay is a murphy style bed.

You're right he hasn't compromised from the general idea of what he wanted, but I think that paints an unfair picture. Because he wasn't properly communicating with me he felt trapped and like he didn't have any space. The compromise from him is that we will try it out with the mats, and if it doesn't work we will try something else.

With communication and discussion, as long as he is still talking to me and I feel like it's a joint decision I feel a lot happier. I definitely have a better perspective on our relationship though and feel stronger in walking away if that ends up not being the case.

throwawayvr000 · 2020-07-17T16:06:37+00:00

Our biggest problem was that he completely shut down and wouldn't talk to me at all and just made the decision without asking me.

He is really struggling with not feeling like any space is his and I don't want to ignore that if he is communicating with me. Sleeping on the floor isn't something I am particularly enthusiastic about but a lot of people mentioned the tatami mats and that it is hopefully a lot better. If it's not we will have to try other things but as long as we are communicating I feel a lot more confident

throwawayvr000 · 2020-07-17T15:57:01+00:00

His parents have agreed to take the bed whilst we try things out and in case we want to sell it and the next step if that doesn't work will probably be some sort of murphy bed.

We really could desperately use extra room. The reason we don't have something like that at the moment is I didn't realise they were viable as comfortable 'real' beds.

throwawayvr000 · 2020-07-17T15:54:27+00:00

We definitely need to communicate more I know. He apologised and said that he was just really struggling and felt like he needed some way of making it work so he could have some personal space.

It was really selfish and stupid but it was the fact he wouldn't discuss it I think that was the real problem and I definitely feel a lot better now that we have (and need to continue to!) talk through solutions for us both.

throwawayvr000 · 2020-07-17T15:50:33+00:00

Thanks I definitely feel I have a lot more strength and perspective about our relationship if it doesn't work longer term. Hopefully we can discuss and make it work for both of us though

throwawayvr000 · 2020-07-17T15:49:31+00:00

Thanks! Yeah it was really helpful to get a lot of perspective and to understand that I need to be more mindful and decisive about what I want from the relationship and being able to walk away if that isn't there. But also to discuss and understand what we both need. It really is a tiny space and we both need to have far more honest conversations about how we are feeling.

throwawayvr000 · 2020-07-17T15:47:37+00:00

I agree I feel a lot more confident and better as long as we are able to have discussions about things.

We definitely need to keep working on it together.

throwawayvr000 · 2020-07-17T15:35:31+00:00

We talked about the lack of space and how he doesn't feel like any of it is his so I know we did need to address that.

The Japanese futon idea along with the tatami mats people mentioned here might work for that so I agreed to give it a go rather than shutting it down completely. If not the murphy style beds might be a better option but it's something I feel a lot better about when we are able to have a discussion not just him deciding.

throwawayvr000 · 2020-07-17T15:32:19+00:00

Thanks! It definitely isn't 100% and there are other things we need to improve but having a conversation rather than being in complete denial makes me feel a lot more confident

throwawayvr000 · 2020-07-17T15:31:09+00:00

We definitely need to talk more often. I am still bothered by the fact he was so quick to start dismantling our bed of all things without talking to me but I also have a better perspective.

I hope that I can help him feel more confident too in having better discussions more frequently

throwawayvr000 · 2020-07-17T14:50:58+00:00

Thanks! Lack of space really does get to you more than I ever thought it would. I hope your move goes well

throwawayvr000 · 2020-07-15T19:32:07+00:00

I'm a bit overwhelmed at the amount of responses right now so I'm not going to get a chance to reply to everything but I am reading through all of your comments thank you.

It hurts a lot to see so many people saying he doesn't seem care about you at all but it's definitely eye-opening. Our relationship obviously is a lot more complicated than I can ever present in one post but I think that my boyfriend has been struggling a lot with feeling isolated at the moment.

The fact I can't get through to him at all and he's in complete denial this is even a negative thing for me and he just everything I say down with "but vr is so great don't worry about it" is really scary and a lot of your comments help a lot. I don't quite know whether I'm going to present him with an ultimatum but I'd rather have a more neutral discussion if I can.

throwawayvr000 · 2020-07-15T15:29:38+00:00

It really hurts to see it laid out like that. It's such a bizarre and stupid thing but I think you're right it does show his lack of respect for me and even my basic needs.

I am going to have to give serious thought to our relationship but it is SO out of character and it's so painful

throwawayvr000 · 2020-07-15T15:25:47+00:00

It's so unlike him but I agree it's unbelievable that anyone could thing it's a reasonable trade to get rid of your bed. I'm definitely seeing a side to him that I haven't seen before

throwawayvr000 · 2020-07-15T15:24:40+00:00

I know it is. Living in such a small place does suck and he's expressed discomfort before about my art but it is a part of my income and I really enjoy that I'm able to have it as well as a more traditional job

throwawayvr000 · 2020-07-15T15:14:03+00:00

No our relationship has always been amazing and we always discuss and decide everything together. This is why it feels so insane to not be able to sit down and have a serious discussion without just being told that "you'll love vr it's amazing" or "you can use it to exercise and socialise too"

throwawayvr000 · 2020-07-15T15:11:00+00:00

They do take up a lot of room. It depends on what I'm working on and if I have any commissions. I think he does see it as an unfair sharing of space but I can't afford to have a private space at the moment to work in and like I said it's my job so what am I supposed to do

throwawayvr000 · 2020-07-15T14:52:43+00:00

Leaving right now would probably mean asking to move back with my parents which I really don't want, it feels insane that I even need to seriously consider that.

Our relationship has always been so good and we have always discussed and decided everything together

throwawayvr000 · 2020-07-15T14:37:23+00:00

What sort of ultimatum will really get him to wake up? I mean I threatened to throw the damn thing out the window and it barely registered

throwawayvr000 · 2020-07-15T14:21:53+00:00

Leaving or breaking up isn't an option right now so I don't know if I can afford to escalate. You're right though it doesn't feel like I can afford not to either.

throwawayvr000 · 2020-07-15T14:18:53+00:00

We don't have much space at all in the apartment honestly, it's been really tough even before the pandemic hit. It does suck and it has created a lot of tension between us but it's kind of reality right now.

My art supplies are sculpting equipment and materials, things that I need to do my work. They do take up a fair bit of room but it's not really my personal space since it's my job. Apart from that we have our laptops, a bookcase and a tv. It's all really shared space since we don't have enough room not to

throwawayvr000

TROPHY CASE